DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

John McClain wears the Santa suit. Every year.

Sep 10, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Pancakes McTard, Weak-ass arguments

McClain isn’t the blow-hard douche bag that Richard Justice is. He actually has a sort of likeable personality. Part of you secretly wishes he would feel-up your grandmother so that she would stop complaining to you about the staff at her nursing home. Uh, I mean McClain is buying in to the silly manufactured controversy that Justice’s buddies at ESPN help to inflate - that Sage Rosenfels will save our season while Matt Schaub will drive the team over a cliff at the next opportunity.

According to McClain, the next game is the biggest in Gary Kubiak’s coaching career! Really though, isn’t the next game always the most important game when your franchise has never had a winning season? When do you just look at a game on a schedule and say “Yea, we can afford to lose that one”? Especially one of the first two games of the year, in any year?!

This next game is probably the most important game since… the last game we had after a loss. Wait, that doesn’t make for an interesting article… let’s scrap it and insinuate that a coach that has brought respect and admiration to a punch-line franchise, that has improved the team’s record every year, has his job on the line in the second game of his third year of coaching. McClain fucking referenced Taps, the song played at funerals held for veterans by a Congressionally-mandated Honor Guard, as a song for the Texans’ season. After two games. Get real.

Well, now that McClain has established that it’s Gary Kubiak’s personal Super Bowl, of course if we lose the game, heads must fall, right? And which head would be better than Matt Schaub’s? As we’ve learned before, every loss can be entirely blamed on whichever quarterback started the game. Those other 21 players? Fuck ‘em. Matt Schaub should be able to pancake-block James Harrison and Terrell Suggs his own damn self. You’ve got two arms, Matt! Block with your left and throw with your right!

Is John McClain really this dumb? Of course not; his name is McClain, not Justice. He’s just intellectually dishonest.

How many games has Schaub started for the Texans? Twelve? And he’s already willing to ditch Schaub. And for what? Who watched that game last week and thought, “Boy, if only we had Sage Rosenfels in there, we would be winning this thing”? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. It’s more like “if we only had two Girl Scouts in the secondary and a welcome mat at left tackle, we could have won.”

If I worked in the Texans’ public relations department, I would think long and hard about issuing an ultimatum to the Chronicle reporters that reads something like this:

“Richard Justice and John McClain serve in an important capacity for the Houston-area sports fans by providing up-to-date information on the Houston Texans and other local sports teams. However, these columnists do the Houston Texans, the fan base, and the newspaper they represent no favors by writing articles based on faulty logic and manufactured controversy. The newspaper industry has seen a declining circulation in the past few years. Perhaps this sort of journalism is the product of a looming sense of desperation, in an attempt to gin up more subscriptions. The evidence doesn’t seem to suggest that this is a sound strategy, however. Besides, everyone knows that DGDB&G does a way better job covering the Texans - at least they link to the other websites they steal material from. The Houston Texans staff will resume interviews and comments to Mr. Justice and Mr. McClain when they have confirmed to us that they will cease such dishonest tactics.”

John McClain and Richard Justice have primo jobs. They write the sports columns for the only newspaper in the nation’s fourth largest city and a top-ten media market. The both of them have opportunities to shine as objective, analytical sports columnists, but this is the sort of shit they churn out in a remarkably consistent manner. Other than contacts within the Houston-area sports teams’ front offices, what do these guys bring to the table?

John McClain can play Santa Claus at the company Christmas party every year, I suppose… but I’m not sure if that’s the reason you let a guy waste this much newsprint and bandwidth on your behalf. Every workplace has that guy. Does anyone think these two clowns at the Houston Comicle are in the same class as the San Francisco Chronicle reporters who broke the BALCO story?

P.S. - Obviously, Richard Justice is the guy that hangs out in the break room most of the day, sneaking bites from your left-overs in the fridge, eye-fucking every woman that leaves the break room in between denegrating them with references to shitty 80s movies while they are gone.

John Clayton eschews reality-based analysis, decides Young is next great QB

Aug 12, 2008 Logo by Chris, Overrated, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Ranting, Rebuttals, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Weak-ass arguments

No, really.  Time to fisk.

The Pittsburgh Steelers‘ personnel officials assembled on the practice field in Latrobe, Pa., Sunday to watch workouts for Byron Leftwich and Daunte Culpepper, two talented quarterbacks who went through the offseason looking for work instead of preparing for the season.

Replacing Chaz Batch with Leftwich or Culpepper?  Was Kordell Stewart unavailable?  How about Spergon Wynn?  Could no one reach Shaun King?

They were amazed. “What are these guys doing on the street?” scouts muttered to themselves.

What were they doing on the street?  Hanging out with other people who are not viable NFL QBs, I guess.  Oh, and in Leftwich’s case, eating.  A lot.

Both quarterbacks are in great shape. They are big and physical with powerful arms.

And all the mobility of a tectonic plate.

Both have been winners in this league.

Jacksonville was 24-20 in games started by Leftwich.  His best record as a starter was 8-3 in 2005.  Winner winner, give this man his chicken dinner.

Feeling as though they had hit the lottery for a quick fix while Charlie Batch heals from a broken collarbone, the Steelers signed Leftwich for the minimum salary.

Their version of the lottery sounds a lot like Shirley Jackson’s.  Can I volunteer to throw the first rock?

The NFL chews up quarterbacks like patrons at a football game devour hot dogs. Alex Smith, the top pick in the 2005 draft, is struggling in San Francisco and could be beaten out by journeyman J.T. O’Sullivan. Matt Leinart is the starter in Arizona, but one stumble could bring Kurt Warner into a starting role again. Rex Grossman isn’t exactly wowing them in the great Chicago Bears quarterback debate.

Yes, it is the NFL’s fault the the QBs you just mentioned are shitty.  That makes sense.  All failed QBs fail not because of their own lack of talent, but, rather, from the evil NFL machine eating them like a hotdog.

With Peyton Manning sidelined with a knee infection and Tom Brady nursing an ankle injury, you wonder, “Where are the next great quarterbacks coming from?”

Hmm…let’s see.  My guesses for places you could look for the next great QB would be: 1. Cincinnati 2. New York (Giants) 3. New Orleans 4. Denver 5. Dallas 6. Washington 7. Houston 8. Jacksonville 9. Cleveland and 10. Anywhere other than Nashville or Kansas City.

On a recent trip to Nashville, Tenn., to see Titans quarterback Vince Young, I saw hope for the present and the future.

Well fuck me runnin’.

Young might not be a fantasy football delight because he’s not a numbers guy, but in time, the numbers might come.

“he’s not a numbers guy” = “he fucking blows as a QB under any traditional metric you might care to use, save for ‘being ambiguously gay at da club,’ where he is among the league leaders.”

In the meantime, Young, under the instruction of offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, is taking the next step in developing into an elite NFL quarterback.

Step 1: Run just enough as a rookie that people overlook your mediocre passing.
Step 2: Regress in your second year, cease to run, and ride a great defense to the playoffs.
Step 3: Throw your offensive coordinator under the bus.
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit?

Heimerdinger watched all of Young’s game tapes and developed a plan for taking his immense talents to the next level.

That plan was relayed to Vince using simple, crayon drawings:

While Young is still a work in progress, the Titans are fortunate to have a quarterback who can be a winner on the field while he learns.

Obligatory reminder: VY’s career record: 17-11 (0-1 playoffs).  Rex Grossman, WHO CLAYTON JUST SAID SUCKED ABOUT FOUR PARAGRAPHS AGO: 19-11 (2-2 playoffs).

“Eventually, I think he’ll be pretty darn good,” Heimerdinger said. “This guy’s physical presence is amazing. He’s 6-4 or 6-5. I didn’t think I would see anybody bigger than Steve McNair and John Elway, two guys I worked with.”

So, there you have it.  Vince will be good because he is tall.  Other tall QBs who came in with a lot of hype: Todd Marinovich (6-4) and Ryan Leaf (6-5).  (Also, Heimerdinger didn’t think he’d ever see someone bigger than McNair (6-2) or Elway (6-3)?  Really?  Chad Pennington, whom he worked with, was as big or bigger than both of those guys.)

Young has Michael Vick-type running ability, but his height gives him a downfield edge when he stays in the pocket to pass.

Which would matter if he ever stayed in the pocket to pass.  And if he could read defenses.

In two seasons, he has gone through some interesting configurations. Coming out of Texas, he was a running quarterback who could throw.

And who could probably spell his name if you spotted him the “V-I-N-C.”

He went 8-5 as a rookie starter in 2006 and was billed as the NFL’s next star. He was on the cover of the Madden game. He threw for 12 touchdowns and ran for seven. He was the offensive rookie of the year and earned a trip to the Pro Bowl.

He also threw 13 INTs, which John leaves out because that would be the verbal equivalent of using teeth in this written blowjob.

Not only did he beat the Madden jinx by starting 15 games last season, Young, through his leadership, took the Titans on a surprise ride to the playoffs.

Yup.  That’s exactly what happened.  The playoffs had nothing to do with Tennessee having the best defense in the league.  It was Young’s “leadership” that took them to playoffs.  That leadership included standing away from all the other players, pouting like a little ho when he was not the starter in the game at Houston.  But that kind of leadership is so powerful, it can overcome a 9 TD, 17 INT, year.  That leadership is not fazed by a fall off in yards per attempt, yards per completion, or yards per carry.  Amazing.  He’s like General fucking Patton out there.

Despite that success, things were holding him back.

Based on what we’ve seen and heard from him, I’m betting those “things” were Norm Chow and the itchy, restrictive nature of shirts.

He played a good portion of the season with an agonizing quad injury that handcuffed him.

Little-known fact: An injured quad makes it so that you can’t see the opposing teams’ defensive backs, thus forcing you to throw into coverage a LOT.

Worse, he struggled in his second season, trying to be more of a pocket passer than a multidimensional quarterback.

Sooo…the “next great QB” struggled when trying to be a QB?  Weird.

“My quad, man, it was bad,” Young said. “Every week you get it better, then you go out and play and hurt it again. The quad would get weak. I was taking those pills for the pain. I was running around trying to make plays when it’s not there. The quad is definitely back where it needs to be although I still have a little hole in there.”

Brett Favre thinks you are a total fucking pussy if you can’t plan through some pain while hopped up on Vicodin.  Also, just fyi, the fact that the pain pills make it not hurt during the week does not mean it has gotten “better.”  Further, if it was that bad, why the fuck didn’t you take a few weeks off and rest/rehab it, especially since the team did not miss a beat with Vodka Collins at the wheel.  (Because, you know, that whole “we’re riding our defense” thing)

Heimerdinger returns to the Titans at the right time for Young. Having worked with McNair and Elway, Heimerdinger knows how to craft a plan for a talented quarterback.

OK, first of all, the next person to mention Heimerdinger and Elway in the same sentence gets smacked in the head.  Mike Heimerdinger was the WIDE RECEIVERS COACH for the Broncos from 1995 to 1999.  He had literally DICK to do with developing John Elway.  Yet that is exactly what Clayton is insinuating.

Secondly, though, Heimerdinger also worked with Brooks Bollinger and Chad Pennington when they were in their developmental stages as QBs and neither of them became much of anything.  (That’s called an “understatment.”)  So, it looks like ‘Dinger does well when he has a talented QB (McNair) and not well at all when he doesn’t.  Which makes him no different from anyone else, really.  Besides, you can argue pretty convincingly that it is EASIER to devlop a talented QB, so McNair’s development under Heimer (which, incidentally, came after McNair had been starting in the league for three years, which is the point where many QBs make a large leap in terms of production) is not some merit badge for the OC.

FINALLY, all of this presupposes that Vince is a “talented” QB in the same manner that Elway and McNair were, which has yet to be proven.

Norm Chow, the Titans’ offensive coordinator the past two seasons, helped in Young’s early development but a different set of eyes was needed.

The first thing Heimerdinger did was work extensively on defense recognition.

Not a bad plan.

Young was lax in making pre-snap reads in his first two seasons.

Yes, yes he was.  And Mike Vick was “lax” in taking proper care of his pets, Charlie Casserly was “lax” in properly evaluating free agents and trade proposals, and John Clayton is “lax” on supporting his arguments with anything resembling proof.

For Young, it was back to school and he had plenty of tutors.

The Titans signed veteran tight end and former Atlanta Falcon Alge Crumpler, who’s known as much for his recognition of defenses as he is for his pass-catching ability.

So, they had to bring in someone to yell out the correct answer to Vince?  “R-o-C-k!” “Ohhhh, the ‘c’ is silent!” Sounds like the teaching of Vince was going really well.

Crumpler often bailed out Vick during Vick’s mad scrambles by putting his big body in a spot where the quarterback could see it.

I fail to see how Mike Vick being consistently bailed out by a TE will make Vince a better QB.  I mean, when the guy is having to change his route on the fly and go get the ball from the QB, it doesn’t really sound to me like the QB is “developing” as a QB.  For example, imagine I am horribly shitty at my job (real stretch, I know).  Then, one day, my boss hires a co-worker who, for whatever reason, is an incredibly hardworker and he does all his work and all my work, but I still the get the praise and the bonuses.  Have I “developed” as an employee?  No.  Of course not.

“I see the maturation of Vince,” Crumpler said. “I just want to make sure he doesn’t lose his confidence. Can he weather the storm of being the third pick in the draft and can I be one of those guys who help to get him there? Eli Manning took all the shots in his first few years and he weathered the storm. It’s a great story. I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.”

And Ryan Leaf took all the shots but didn’t weather the storm.  I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.

Vick’s dogfighting trial and later imprisonment were the story in 2007, as much a part of the daily headlines as Brett Favre’s divorce from the Packers this offseason. That experience adds perspective to Crumpler’s move from Atlanta to Nashville to help Young.

Huh?

Vick’s demise and Crumpler’s season of noncommunication with Bobby Petrino were a personal hell for the Pro Bowl tight end and his Falcons teammates. Being with Young is heaven to Crumpler because he can help.

Ah, ok.  Because Crumpler lost his starting QB to federal prison, that makes it much better for him in Nashville.  Fine.  Whatever.  Glad he’s happy.  Quick—name all the QBs who have gone from below average to great due to the signing of a veteran TE!

“Look at it, Vince threw nine touchdown passes and 18 interceptions last year,” Crumpler said.

Close, Alge.  Though it’s funny that you just made his numbers even worse than they really were.

“He had the Pacman Jones distraction.

Everyone who thinks Vince struggled to throw the ball because Pacman was in trouble with the law and suspended by Herr Goodell, please raise your hand.

He had an injury.

Fair enough.  Though, again, if it was so bad that he was hurting the team by playing, then he should have been benched or placed on IR.  If it wasn’t bad enough to affect his play, then it shouldn’t be an excuse for his play.  But, still, I’ll grant the injury as a viable thing that might have distracted a young QB.

Yet he wins 10 games and goes to the playoffs in the AFC South, a tough division.

Actually, he “won” 9 games, at least according to how such things are recorded.  In reality, a much better argument can be made that the team won many of those games despite Vince’s play:
Week 1: 11-18, 78 yds, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD, 1 fumble.  Team wins.
Week 5: 20-33, 157 yds, 3 INT.  Team wins.
Week 8: 6-14, 42 yds, 1 fumble.  Team wins.
Week 9: 14-23, 110 yds, 2 INT, 1 rushing TD. Team wins.
Week 16: 12-22, 166 yds, 1 INT, 3 fumbles. Team wins.
Week 17: 14-18, 157 yds. Team wins.

We have a quarterback. His game management just has to get a little bit better. He’s a difference-maker.”

He’s a difference-maker as a QB like ebola is a difference-maker as a weight-loss tool.

In his first practice this summer against non-Titans, Young completed 22 of 26 passes against the Rams last week in a scrimmage.

Two questions: 1. What were the other numbers, John?  2. You do realize that scrimmage (not even a preseason game!) is rather meaningless, right?

Despite the struggles with confidence and the quad injury last season, Young improved from a 51.5 to a 62.3 percent passer.

And his TD % went down, his INT % went up, and his number of passes over 20 yards went down.  Besides, David Carr was a 68% passer in 2006 with a similar YPC and a better INT %.  I don’t see anyone calling him the next great QB.

In his third season, he’s starting to figure out who he is as a quarterback.

Mediocre and overrated.

“I’m going to try to be rookie year Vince Young that everybody was talking about,” Young said. “I’m going to go out, win games and try to go further in the playoffs.”

Rookie Year Vince: 51.5% completion, 12 TDs/13 INTs, 12 fumbles, 146.6 passing YPG, 8-5 as a starter…way to set those goals high, Vincent.

His improvements are noticeable.

IN TRAINING CAMP.  NOT IN A REAL GAME.  PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PBS-LOGO-LOOKING HEAD FROM HIS CROTCH.

Thanks to his offseason of studying pre-snap reads, Young is comfortable behind center. Heimerdinger has worked him in drills to improve his footwork.

File this under “Things They Hope You Have A Basic Grasp On When You Enter The League.”

“Different drills improved my base on five- and seven-step drops,” Young said. “Now, I’m keeping my feet underneath me and I’m sliding up and moving in the pocket. I’m not just standing in one place and bouncing. Having my feet underneath me, I’m throwing more accurately. You watch Tom Brady. He brings his whole body with him when he moves in the pocket. Sometimes, I would use my arm more and not bring my whole body with me.”

You know who else was fundamentally flawed as a thrower when he entered the league?  David Carr.  All kidding aside, though, did you really just mention Tom Brady in a paragraph about your own development?  That feels wrong on a number of levels.

Heimerdinger showed Young tape of how he would stand eight yards behind the line of scrimmage, bouncing with his feet and looking downfield.

“Bouncing with his feet,” huh, John?  What the fuck else would he be bouncing on?  That’s quality sportswriting.  I suddenly have this feeling that you are going to work some ridiculous pun into this article.

If Young had to run, he was so far behind the line of scrimmage, it would be hard to make a gain.

Yet people talked about how he was a much better runner than a passer.  Odd.

From reads to foot placement to depth in the pocket, Young is starting to turn old school. He’s getting better.

Translation: Now that he is learning some of the most basic tenets of quarterbacking at any level, Young is starting to at least resemble a real QB.  (As for the “he’s getting better,” again, can we PLEASE wait until he does something in a real game before we start throwing this shit around?)

Thanks to Young’s development, remember the Titans when picking playoff contenders.

Welcome to Punsville, population: you.  Admit it, you ugly fuck—you wrote this whole goddamned article so you could use that shitty quip, didn’t you?

How ’bout a nice glass of shut the hell up?

Aug 3, 2008 Andre Johnson, Anger, Righteous Indignation, Rumors, Weak-ass arguments, What the fuck?

OK…time to bust out the old Righteous Indignation Machine.

First, it was the interviewer in this chat with Tim suggesting that ‘Dre was frustrating to fantasy owners (at least in part) because he was so injury-prone. (Side note: Tim continues to impress me in these, mainly because he always seems so much more knowledgeable than the host and winds up carrying the interview.)  Then it was shithead supreme Mike Florio who wrote:

The Texans need a healthy Johnson (heh-heh, heh) in 2008.  Regardless of whether the latest injury is serious, it’s hard not to wonder whether Johnson has become more than a little fragile as his career enters what should be its prime.

That’s dumb, but it’s not even the dumbest thing on the page, as that honor goes to the mouth-breathing dumbfuck who left the first comment to Florio’s post:

Surprise, surprise! Andre Johnson has an injury! Has this guy made it through an entire an NFL season in his entire career?

Righteous Indignation Machine…engage.

Plain and simple, if you think Andre Johnson is “fragile” or “injury prone” or “always hurt,” you are a goddamned retard.  Prior to last season, ‘Dre had ONE YEAR WHERE HE MISSED EVEN A SINGLE GAME.  That was 2005, when a calf injury forced him out of a game early and caused him to miss the next three.  Other than that, Johnson had played every single game…and played really fucking well.

Yes, he was hurt last year.  (And, yes, I am still kind of bitter at Kubiak about it, as there was absolutely no reason for Johnson to even be in the game at that point.)  And, yes, there’s a chance that this groin tweak is somehow related to the rehabilitation of the knee injury.  But one serious injury in five years of football does not make someone fragile.

Compare:

Andre Johnson

Steve Smith

Plaxico Burress

Larry Fitzgerald

Terrell Owens

Need I continue? For a little clarification, for the list above, other than Steve Smith (who I included because people constantly talk about how tough he is), I tried to stick with receivers who were similar in size and or playing style to Andre Johnson.  I’m pretty sure I could plug most any #1 WR into this post, though, and have similar results.

So what the fuck gives?  The guy is every bit as durable as the WRs who get lauded for their toughness and/or for being “gamers.”  He’s had one small injury and one big injury in five years, despite being one of the most targeted WRs in the game and despite being one of the more active WRs when it comes to downfield blocking.  He’s been hung out to dry by his QBs (especially the since-departed pillow biter) more often than just about anyone, yet he takes hits, rarely runs out of bounds, is not afraid to go over the middle, and almost never gets hurt.

One injury does not make someone injury prone.  People like Florio who say otherwise deserve to be faceraped.

Righteous Indignation Machine…disengage.

Act III, in which our hero politely tells the villain to go fuck himself

Mar 21, 2008 Bloggerating, Dancing With the 'Tards, Putting people on notice, Ranting, Weak-ass arguments

OK, fuck it.

I was going to write the following post without naming names and without really calling anyone out for anything. My plan was to complain about blog rumor mongering in general and suggest that, maybe, if we wanted blogs to really be seen as the future of sports journalism, some of us should cite sources and try to hold ourselves to some sort of standard. I was going to be even-handed and I was going to try to keep the entire post somewhat light-hearted.

I was, but now I say fuck that noise. There is some bullshit that needs to be addressed in the Texans-centric blogosphere and I am just the asshole to fire the first shot.

Over at Chron.com–the citadel of irritating stupidity–you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone who thinks s/he is the greatest thing to ever happen to sportswriting. I suppose it was only a matter of time before that inflated sense of self-worth spilled over into the Fanblog run by Thomas Hilton.

When Hilton took over the Fanblog that had been previously run by Steph Stradley, it quickly became nothing more than a link dump. New “posts” were put up every few days consisting almost entirely of “here’s what ESPN said about the Texans” and “here’s what CNN said about the Texans” and “Oh, look at all these Texans pictures I found on GIS.” Any sort of additional analysis or insight was notably absent, meaning that a person who surfed the web could find all the same material elsewhere and not need to read Hilton’s blog. Those were the salad days, my friends.

More recently, however, Hilton has pulled a complete 180. Gone are the link dumps–actually, gone are any links to anything at all. Because, you know, it’s hard to link to something YOU JUST MADE UP.

That’s right–I’m saying that all this shit about “my sources in the NFL” or “my sources with the Texans” is nothing more than blatant, Florio-style rumor mongering. I mean, I might be going out on a limb here, but I find it highly unlikely (read: fucking impossible) that Thomas Hilton is privy to information that has eluded Len Pasquarelli and John Clayton. I find it even less likely (read: really fucking impossible) that someone who lives thousands of miles from Houston and is one of the worst writers in the Texans blogosphere would have contacts within the league and within the team that would willingly tell him things for his blog. And I find it both unlikely and curious that these sources would start offering up information right around the time the season ended and everyone’s attention turned to the rumor mills and the “what if” scenarios.

The funny thing is, if all he did was keep offering up these unfounded rumors (and vociferously defending himself as “not making anything up” in the comments), I would probably never have said anything. I mean, I would have mocked him endlessly to other bloggers, but that’s just sort of how this slightly-incestuous club rolls. No, the last straw (as it were) for me was the fact that, over the last few months, Hilton himself has gone from “unassuming blogger who realizes how fortunate he is to have his forum” to “conceited shithead who thinks he is some kind of blog rockstar.” The former version of TH was tolerable; the latter version needs to be kicked down a few pegs.

As such, allow me to thoroughly fisk his response to a reader who asked why he was so “nice” to the people who talked shit in his comments.

Uncle Jack,
I am more than capable of standing my ground and berating someone.

Congratulations.

However, I don’t really see the need to argue and do that with posters whom I have never met before and they have never met me.

Two sentences in and we already have our first instance of ridiculously bad grammar. Sadly, I don’t even think that is a new record.

It’s easier to start arguing or putting someone down when the person you are doing the berating to probably will never come in contact with the person acting like an A-hole.

Guh? So, ignoring your tortured use of the second and third person, you are saying it is easier to ridicule someone you’ll never meet? This is probably true. Of course, if someone really needs to be ridiculed–more on that theory in a bit–then whether you will ever meet that person should be irrelevant.

You see, I am not worried about my own pride being crushed because I didn’t retaliate. I am not intimidated by anyone.

Translation: I’m too much of a pussy to really lay into someone when they point out that I write like a dimwitted ten-year-old, so I am going to pretend like I am taking the moral high road. These mean commenters don’t intimidate me! I am a big deal around here! I GO TO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL!!!! I HAVE MANY LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS AND MY APARTMENT SMELLS OF RICH MAHOGANY!!!!

I view all of us as equals.

Two things: 1. No, you don’t. You like to think you are somehow superior to others because you go to Penn. Hell, you mention your school almost as much as you mention the Texans. 2. If you do view all of us as equals with respect to blogging and commenting, then you are a delusional little shit. Some blogs are better than others (note: yours is not better than any others) and some commenters are better than others. We are not all equals in this enterprise.

Usually folks that scream and argue with one another is good at times, because at least it’s communication.

Your Ph.D. is not in English, is it?

The other side of it is some folks like to argue and shout and scream because they are either very unsophisticated, low-brow, or they have very low self-esteems.

Yes, the people who like to argue on the internet do so because daddy didn’t love them enough as a child. Or–and I’m just spitballing here–maybe it’s because they disagree with what you’ve written and the fact that you come across both as a liar and smug asshole makes the commenter a little indignant.

This is what a lot of people (but nobody on this blog) don’t understand.

A lot of people don’t understand your overarching sociological theory about why some people argue on the internet? Well, please enlighten us, George Herbert Mead.

As a civilized society (humans), we all were born with this mechanism in our brains that is utilized for “constraint”.

Flaw #1: All humans are arguably born with this, but not all humans are part of a civilized society. Even tribal peoples who would not fall under any definition of civilized are, in theory, born with the same sort of internal restraint. Also, I am reasonably sure Liston and Shake were both born without such mechanisms.

It keeps us humans and our society civilized so that we don’t act on every impulse or desire that pops into our heads.

Pardon me, but what the shit does this have to do with people arguing on the internet? If we are all born with this mechanism–as you suggest we are–then the fact that people are arguing on the internet must stem from something else. I really fail to see where you are going with this, but, then, I didn’t go to Penn.

If we all acted on every impulse, it would be utter chaos and we would see the fall of our own society collapse.

“[T]he fall of our own society collapse?” The fuck does that even mean? Pull back on the hyperbole throttle, take a deep breath, figure out where you are going with this, and fucking proofread from time to time.

The reason I don’t yell back, is because I don’t need to.

And, also, because yelling at your computer doesn’t accomplish much. Also, see this primer on comma usage.

I don’t have to act like I know everything, because I don’t (not even close).

No shit.

The constant bickering and arguing on who is right and who is wrong is silly, if you sit back and actually listen to it.

Ah, yes…arguing two sides of a debate is silly. Why the hell would people want to argue a topical as trivial as sports? Don’t people appreciate that you go to Penn and, therefore, have all the insight? They should just allow you to inform them and not try to argue counter-points.

That’s kind of childish. I don’t mind debating and disagreeing on the topic at-hand, but I expect it to be done in a respectful manner for everyone on here.

So, wait. “Arguing” is bad but “debating and disagreeing” is ok? And the only difference between the two is whether you think the people involved are being respectful? That’s fucking gay. Yes, ideally you will get high discourse between two informed, civil parties and those parties will reach a mutually-agreeable conclusion. In reality, however, that shit doesn’t happen. People get worked up about sports, they get angry because they care about their team, and that anger spills out into posts from time to time.

You’ve been on this blog as an original member of this forum. Remember a year ago when I started to take over this blog and everyone on here asked why I was so polite to the negative people who took shots at me.

This should have a question mark.

I said at that time that I am a nice and polite person by nature, but I also pick my battles.

Oh my god, that’s Thomas Hilton’s music!!!!! I feel a battle coming on!

We’ll I guess the chickens have come home to roost.

All that cool shit I just said? Yeah, you ruined it with the chicken reference.

I have a list of everyone that has either shot insults at me or other readers on here or who have constantly corrected me on my grammar.

I let all of that go last year because we were just getting this blog jump-started.

How noble. Of course, you took the blog over from Steph and promptly made it shitty, but that was all part of the “jump start” strategy, I guess.

Today, we have a massive following and since I have been doing this for just over a year, I have reached almost 400,000+ visits for a 12 month span. That calculates to almost 30,000+ visits each month and 10,000+ visits each week and 1700-2000+ visits per day to our blog.

This might be the most irritating part of your entire, rambling, semi-coherent missive. You throw those numbers out there like they are a reflection of your ability or the quality of your blog, ignoring the fact that you have the only fan blog on the only website for the only daily paper in the fourth-largest city in America. If you were NOT on the Chron, you’d be lucky to crack 2000 hits a month with the way you write and the ignorant shit you post. I said it earlier, but it bears repeating–you have THE WORST TEXANS BLOG IN EXISTENCE. And it’s not even a particularly close contest.

Does that sound like sour grapes? I suppose, to a certain extent, it is. The fact that you can consistently churn out drivel and still get more hits than all the other Texans blogs combined is pretty fucking insulting. Yet, instead of realizing how fortunate you are, you are trying to get high and mighty and start laying down the law to people. Fuck that.

This could not have been possible without all of you readers doing your parts by coming in here and just either wanting some information, updates or you may have a good idea that you want to share with the rest of us.

Honestly, is writing not a pre-requisite to get into Penn?

My readers truly are the most knowledgeable and respectful people I have ever been a part of.

Correction: The readers who keep sucking your ass and telling you that you are doing great are the the knowledgeable and respectful ones. The ones who dare to argue with you are mindless assholes.

Now that we have grown so big, the people that ever put me down for trying to do my best, these people will be “officially” banned form this blog from now on.

Awesome. Now that you have “grown so big,” as if you had any fucking thing at all to do with that, you are going to ban people who have put you down? Are you ten years old? One of the very best parts of blogging is that the readers serve to let you know when you are slipping and to call you out on bullshit. I don’t think anyone put you down for TRYING to do your best; people put you down because your best seems to include unfounded rumor and mildly retarded sentence structure. That seems like a reasonable reason for putting you down, really.

Full disclosure: I realize that I banned Douchebag Tom. That was not because he was “putting me down,” however. It was because he was a mindless troll who was following me from website to website and was not willing to address any counterpoints I made. I even let his stupidity go on for a while before it became a distraction in the comments to every post. Other than that asseating shitbag, I usually welcome disagreement–the debates in the comments are where I get ideas for future posts and they help me see the light when I am offbase on something. But go ahead and silence anyone who you might find insulting, Adolf. (As for people correcting your grammar, maybe that should tell you something about you and not about the person who is correcting you. Just sayin’.)

It’s not because they disagree with me.

Bullshit.

I am not asking anyone to agree with me, but someone who’s wanting to find every little thing to criticize me about in a disrespectful way will no longer be allowed to post and will be blocked from this blog.

Oh no…whatever will those people do? I am sure the suicide rate in greater Houston will skyrocket.

I could also have them banned from ever posting on any blog on the Chron.com website.

Aren’t you a fucking badass?

It wouldn’t matter if they changed emails and names. We have a tracker of everyone’s ISP address, so there’ no way they can get one past me.

First of all, you mean “IP” address, not ISP address. That you got such a simple thing wrong tells me you probably don’t know dick about internet technology. This suspicion is verified when I see that you have completely ignored the fact that many, many people have dynamic IP addresses. So, unless you are willing to block large chunks of IPs and risk blocking people who are more than willing to suck the golden sunshine from your ass, you will fail at banning any number of people.

Trust me folks, I am not trying to show off or act like some hot-shot.

“…BUT I DO WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I GO TO PENN AND IT IS A GOOD SCHOOL AND YOU SHOULD ALL JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT I AM DEIGNING TO SHARE MY INSIDER KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU!!!!”

I just feel that since I more than happily do this blog for all of you without any compensation or complaining, I am starting to realize that I don’t deserve to be put down or ridiculed (or any other reader for that matter).

I am literally getting a headache from trying to decipher your sentences.

I sincerely do the very best I can for you all and you all know that if my responses come out as maybe I was defensive, I am and was always the first to apologize and ask what I could do take make it up to that person.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe your “best” isn’t all that great? It’s totally possible. If the Rockets put me at point guard and I got destroyed on every single possession, my claiming to have “done my best” wouldn’t really mean much, would it?

I think for the most part, I feel I am courteous and treat everyone as an equal.

And “I think for the most part,” you offer nothing but made up bullshit and that people are right to call you out on it. Giving people “just wait and see…the media will pick up on it eventually” doesn’t mean shit.

That being said, nobody deserves to be ridiculed for anything they are trying to convey.

Wrong. When you are making up rumors and/or writing in a manner that is only slightly coherent and/or showing a complete lack of football knowledge (not knowing who had signed where, not understanding why certain players are a fit for certain systems, etc.), then you do deserve to be ridiculed for these things if/when you choose to ignore the initial constructive criticism.

With the Texans finally getting better, our blog is just going to get even bigger. I was glad for this opportunity to start before the Texans got really good. The better they become, the more traffic we will get on here and more discussions will develop. PS. Sorry for the long post, Jack. I just needed to use your post as a springboard to all the readers out there. Thanks, for hanging in there with me and never given up on me! Take care. -TH

Yeah, it sure was nice of them to never “given” up on you. Goddamn.

As I see it, the best part of the team continuing to improve is that, at some point, the people in charge at Chron.com will decide “you know, we are getting a lot more traffic–maybe we should bring in a blogger that doesn’t make Richard Justice look like Ernest Hemingway.”

***

Like I said earlier, I know that some of this will come off as sour grapes. I am totally fine with that. What I am NOT fine with is some assbag getting high and mighty and pretending he is some big success when this blog, BRB, TTG, Houston Diehards, and the like put out better, more insightful content in our collective sleep than TH does at his “best.” That is horseshit.

Consider yourself on notice, fuckwad.

Recent Signings - the end of Petey?

Jan 21, 2008 Demarcus Faggins sucks, Undrafted Free Agent watch list, Weak-ass arguments

Along with Okobi, the Texans signed others recently. 1Tex wrote me asking about them, and here’s a quick take (and, to be honest, I don’t know a helluva lot about a couple of these guys):

DE Eric Powell - He couldn’t make the fuckin’ Bills, and they cut him even though that left them with only three true DEs. Pass!

RB Arliss Beach - He had a very impressive pre-season game for the Packers, but when a lot of their RBs wound up starting the season healthy, he got the ax. Ran a 4.45 at a combine, but went undrafted. I don’t think we’ll hear much from him.

CB Derrick Johnson - Somehow managed to get a start in SF, but he makes Petey look less sucky than normal. Pass!

S Brandon Mitchell - good size (6′3″ and 210 lbs.), but a bit slow for the position.

LB Kevis Coley - Ummmm, OK. His name doesn’t even ring a bell. He appears to have bounced around a bit. Anything else you know about him is purely a bonus.

OL Dan Stevenson - Probably no more than a backup out of Notre Dame. But, with the additon of Gibbs, anytime an OL is signed, it should pique our interest.

CB Derrick Roberson - A workout fiend. Ran a 4.34 40. As crappy as our non-Dunta/Bennett CBs are, and with my worries that Dunta even returns close to normal, I’m hopeful we give him a genuine shot to make the roster. He’s about the same size as Petey and, better yet, he’s not Petey.

C Greg Eslinger - Eslinger was the 2005 winner of the Rimington Award for the best college center. Drafted originally by Denver for his athleticism and his seeming fit in a zone blocking scheme. Of all the guys here, he’s probably the one with the best hope of being on the 2008 roster.

Dancing With the ‘Tards

Nov 28, 2007 Curious Coaching, Dan The Assassin, Dancing With the 'Tards, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Houston Chronicle, I really dig my readers, McTard, Morlon Greenwood, Secondary issues are primary, The Fred, Von, Weak-ass arguments

It wasn’t all that long ago–four days, actually–that I said, “[a]s of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle.” I meant it. However, I realized today that I needed to expand the exception slightly. We all know they are never going to link to me or BRB–we are beneath them, of course. So, I am expanding the exception to read “as of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, or is clearly referencing/replying to something I wrote, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle.”

Which brings me to my actual post. It seems that John McClain’s latest missive attempts to answer the questions “why don’t we blitz” and, tangentially, “why Richard Smith is not a horrid coach.” Hmm. Interesting approach, General. Whatever made you think to approach that issue as answering a question? Because, correct me if I am wrong, but your article kind of reads like an attempt to respond to “how does a person who ignores the basic fundamental tenets of defense–things like ‘increasing QB pressure makes a shaky secondary better’ and ‘blitzing a linebacker will keep your pass-rushing DE from being routinely sodomized by two or three men’–seem less-capable at performing his job than any number of fans walking down the street?” by attacking the underlying assumptions about blitzing. But, then, you would never deign to read something as lowbrow and mindless as a–gasp!–blog written by a fan, would you? Of course not.

Just for a laugh and because I have nothing to do here at work, let’s examine your response a little more closely and see what, if anything, we can learn from it.

I’ve known defensive coordinator Richard Smith since he entered the NFL as an assistant under Jerry Glanville in 1988.

Congrats. I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything, but whatever.

If a psychiatrist put Smith on his couch and analyzed him, here’s what he would learn: Smith would blitz most of the time if he thought it would work. He’s a Glanville disciple. His nature is to attack, attack and attack some more.

He “would blitz more often if he thought it would work?” He hasn’t blitzed enough with this year’s team to have any idea whether it works. So, if he is just basing his decision on what he thinks of blitzing in general, I’m not sure you can call him aggressive.

So why doesn’t he do that with the Texans? Well, it’s simple. Blitzing for the sake of blitzing is bad coaching.

True, but blitzing for the sake of taking pressure of your young and/or below average secondary is good coaching. You should probably establish that we would be blitzing just for the sake of blitzing before you give your conclusory statements.

Fans who complain the Texans don’t blitz enough must not remember how many times it didn’t work or they got burned.

Ooooooooh, snap! You are talking about me, aren’t you, John? You showed me; after all, the lack of success of Texans teams in previous years certainly has a ton of bearing on whether this current unit would succeed. What’s that? Oh, I just received message from Captain Obvious that, no, it really doesn’t matter how previous Texans teams did. Interesting. You almost had me convinced, though.

Rushing more than four — usually one or two linebackers and sometimes a safety — is foolish if they don’t have the speed to pull it off.

John McClain, bringing the truisms today! Of course, the converse of that, that it is NOT foolish if they DO have the speed, is also true. And when I look at our LB corps, the one thing I see (especially out of DeMeco Ryans and Morlon Greenwood) is speed. Even Danny Clark is fast enough to blitz. You are making it sound like someone needs to run a 4.4 in order to be an effective pass rusher. Also, you conveniently overlook the possibility of working in some zone blitzes, which would allow us to create pressure through confusion while not leaving wide open holes underneath the secondary. In that scheme, the speed issue is negated somewhat (to the extent that it even exists) because you are still only sending four rushers. Now, of course we can’t solely run the zone blitz, but you can’t sit there and pretend that our linebackers are simply too slow and, thus, we have no options when it comes to pass rushing.

The coaches watch film of every game and practice over and over and over. They know what they get and don’t get with a four-man rush. They also know what they get and don’t get when they blitz.

It is good that they are watching game and practice tape. I’d be worried if they didn’t. But, saying they know what they get and don’t get when they blitz is nothing more than bit of sophistry. They don’t blitz enough to know what they get when they blitz. And, on the rare occasion that they do blitz, they have shown some success. DeMeco’s sack and a run stop for a loss against Atlanta came on a blitz. DeMeco’s sack, forced fumble, and first career TD against Tennessee came on a blitz. And, since you were the one who broached the subject of what past season’s blitzes have yielded, all 4 of Dunta’s career sacks came on blitzes. If anything, knowing what they get when they blitz should equate to “man, we’re having a little success when we mix that in.”

Right now, blitzing a safety could be disastrous. Rookie cornerback Fred Bennett has made three career starts. Veteran cornerback Von Hutchins has made three starts at his position. Leaving them in man coverage at this point in their careers is asking for trouble.

I don’t know why we would choose to blitz one of our safeties when we have ample speed/size/strength in the linebacking corps. Still, while your initial premise is fine, your reasoning is obtuse and idiotic. “Leaving them in man coverage…is asking for trouble?” Seriously? Well, then, why the hell do we keep leaving them in man coverage when we aren’t blitzing? It’s not like we are strictly playing zone; there is plenty of man coverage going on. Just look at the repeated immolation of Petey Faggins, especially in the Atlanta game. Most of that has been in man situations. So, I ask you, which is better–to leave them in man coverage for 2.5-3.5 seconds during a blitz or for 3.5-5 seconds without the blitz?

Think about this: Cleveland quarterback Derek Anderson’s strength is throwing down the field. The Texans determined that rushing four and dropping seven, forcing Anderson to throw underneath the coverage, made more sense than blitzing and leaving their defensive backs in man coverage against tight end Kellen Winslow and receiver Braylon Edwards.

What the hell? You did watch that game, right? Winslow had 10 catches for 107 yards and a TD. THAT is your proof that the existing plan is somehow better than forcing the QB to make throws more quickly? And, besides, like I keep screaming about, a zone blitz would not necessitate much of a deviation from the zone coverage that you seem to think is working wonders.

The Texans’ defense played well enough to beat Cleveland. All three Browns touchdowns came after mistakes — two interceptions and a missed field goal.

OK. So, aside from when they messed up, they played well enough to win. Fair enough. But what does that have to do with whether they should also have been blitzing? Nothing. You are simply trying to confuse the issue here. “They played well enough to win” does not equal “there is no need to blitz because this system works just fine.” Some of your sycophant cabana boys might buy into this sort of “logic,” but I don’t. Nor does anyone with half a brain.

Now, if the Texans are going to blitz and leave their corners in man coverage, it makes sense to do it against the Titans because they don’t have receivers like Cleveland’s, right? Oops! They did that in the first game against Tennessee, and Roydell Williams caught a 46-yard pass against Dunta Robinson to set up the winning field goal.

First, I was at that game and saw the play with my own eyes. There was a safety in the area who, for whatever reason, did not roll over the top and help Dunta. This is not pure man coverage you are talking about. Second, Dunta played that route as well as humanly possible, but simply missed when he stuck his hand up, so I am not clear on what this completion “proves” with respect to the blitz. Third, whether you are blitzing, rushing four, or rushing none, that route unfolds exactly the same way; it’s not like Morlon Greenwood covering in the flat would have changed the direction of that ball. Fourth, why do you keep trying to make it sound like the options are only “blitz with man coverage” and “don’t blitz with zone coverage?” Why do you ignore zone blitzing or even sending one linebacker and still playing a two-deep zone? Finally, stop pretending like we are not already leaving these guys in man coverage from time to time and consider whether those situations would be easier for the corners if they were covering for a shorter period of time.

You are making no sense here, John. If the problem is that the secondary is shaky (it is), then blitzing slightly more often is going to alleviate that problem somewhat. Note: no one is suggesting that we need to play like the Eagles and bring some kind of blitz on nearly every play. What we are suggesting is that Richard Smith’s approach to the game suggests that either he is too timid in his play-calling as a matter of course, that he is deathly afraid of getting yelled at if a play fails, or that he simply doesn’t see the flaws in his/your reasoning clearly enough to understand how to fix them. None of those scenarios is an acceptable answer, however. As Stephanie pointed out in her comment:

I cannot think of a single reason why the Texans should keep Richard Smith.

You know, I really try to be fair to people. But really, I can’t think of a reason to keep him. He wasn’t the Texans first choice, and if there are options out there to replace him, I’d like them to do it.

Here’s some additional reasons against:

1. He has no defensive philosophy other than “Don’t do the thing that sucked really bad in last weeks game.”

2. He has no record as a solo defensive coordinator before coming to the Texans.

3. He previously was the co-defensive coordinator of a 3-4. But only in name only because Saban really ran that defense and ran all the meetings.

4. Last year, he put pictures of rocks in the defensive players’ lockers to tell them that they are part of a rock. Yeah, that’s inspiring to the younger generation. Rocks don’t bring much of a pass rush either because well, they are rocks.

5. He’s a yell at the players guy. I don’t like yell at the players guy unless they are the best at what they do. If you yell all the time, and you don’t have the respect of the guys you are coaching because you’ve never accomplished anything, well then, you are just annoying.

6. If the players for the other offense call your defense “vanilla” before you have even played them (Winslow), it means they have no respect for it at all.

7. There is no 7.

8. I am thinking of burning an old 8 jersey as part of an anti-jinx against that number for a Texans QB.

9. It makes me physically ill to see 3rd and longs just wasted by the Texans defense. You know, “Great it’s 3rd and 8.” And then “@#$%, they just completed a pass for 24 yards.”

10. Did you have the thought when watching the Eagles play the Patriots the other night that Smith could have ten years with the Texans, and never bring the sort of stuff on D that the Eagles were doing to the Patriots? I get the same sort of training wheels feeling watching the Texans defense as I did when I watched Pendry’s offense in 2005. Very simple to avoid big mistakes. I know the Texans have a lot of injuries on defense, but it’s hard to watch.

Basically, why should ANYONE have confidence in what Smith is doing? There’s nothing in his background that should convince fans or the players that he knows what the hades he is doing and that it is going to get better.

Funny, John, it seems like everyone who is writing about this issue has a solid understanding of the little things, like “logic” and “reasoning” and “coherent arguments” and “basic tenets of football defense.” Maybe you should give that a shot.

I realize I am being flippant and kind of a jerk here. That is intentional, as it is the same approach John and the others like to take when they are forced to slum it and respond to people who disagree with them. The only difference here is that I also attempted to offer a counter-argument in between jabs at McClain.

(Ironically enough, in the comments to the post about blitzing, Will asked how long it would be before the Chron picked up on the idea and had a story about our lack of blitzing. Apparently, the answer is two days.)

Cleo Lemon aids in clipboard duties

Jun 24, 2007 Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans, Weak-ass arguments

Confused? Don’t be. Look here for an explanation of what’s going on.

Win #3–Week 5 vs. Miami. In the interest of full disclosure, I suppose I should mention something. I have always been and continue to be very anti-Trent Green. I’ve hated him since I lived in Kansas City and I think he’s horribly overrated. I also think he’s a concussion-prone ninny who throws like a 12-year-old girl on any pass over 20 yards. So, this animosity surely played into this post.

Anyway… aside from Trent Green, two other things made me mark this one as a win. First, there is the Dolphins’ schedule. Their game against Houston comes in the middle of their “easy” stretch (Oakland, Houston, Cleveland) and this stretch is followed by a home game against the Pats. Now, I suppose that the Cleveland game is more technically the “trap” game, but I really think the location of the Houston game in the schedule plays to our advantage. They play Oakland the week before and, while the Raiders might not score many points, that defense can smack people in the mouth.

Second, there is just a gut-feeling at work here. Every year, teams win (and lose) games they have no business winning (or losing). I just have a hunch that this is one of those games. Green is going to be beaten up by Oakland, the Dolphins are going to be somewhat flat because of the perceived ease of the schedule, and the Texans are going to be up following the win against the Falcons the week before.

Yeah, I know how weak this one sounds. You’re just going to have to trust me on it. Or ridicule me in the comments. Whatever.