DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

WTF?!?

Oct 19, 2008 KEYE sucks, What the fuck?

Dear KEYE,

Fuck off and die.

Love,

bfd

(Austin, apparently, is not getting the game today.)

One Last Point On Spin Rosenfucker’s Flying Leap

Oct 9, 2008 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fuck, Ranting, Rosie Rosenfels, The Schaub Experiment, Vince Young can't read this post, What the fuck?

Many people (all of whom I am too lazy to link to) have said some variation of the idea that “Sage Rosenfels made that leap because he was trying to win the starting job.”  Well, if that’s the case, then he’s even dumber than he looked while flying through the air.

Here’s what I mean:  In weeks 1 and 3, yes, Matt Schaub looked like dog ass (at best).  Against Tennessee especially, he was reminding people of David Carr all day long and it wasn’t because of his hair.  There were any number of people, many of whom were not in the Start Sage camp prior to Tennessee, that were suddenly grumbling that maybe Schaub was not the guy.  It was not good times.

But against Jacksonville, however, the fucking week before the Colts’ game, Schaub played one of his very best games ever in a Texans uniform.  That’s not an exaggeration.  Even without Andre Johnson having a monster game, Schaub worked the whole field, maybe fantastic decisions, and managed the whole thing beautifully.  He found Owen Daniels and Kevin Walter every single time one of them had a favorable matchup.  He hit Stevie Wonder in stride on that beautiful TD pass.  All in all, he looked like a better version of the pre-injury Schaub we saw in 2007.

That being so, why in the fucking hell would Sage think that one win, even a big win over the Colts, would make Gary forget that (a) Schaub had played just as well the week prior, (b) Schaub was already the starter and was on the sideline because he had the shits and not because he was benched, and (c) that we paid handsomely for Schaub and giving up on him this quickly would be asinine?

Basically, I don’t care if Sage would have jumped over all three defenders like Sam McGuffie and ran for a game-clinching TD.  There was NO WAY he was going to take the starting job based on that one performance.  Maybe he gets a little closer and makes the leash on Schaub just a tiny bit shorter down the road, but Schaub was starting against Miami regardless of how the Colts game turned out.  And if Sage didn’t realize that and he really thought making that retarded jump was going to change things, then he makes Vince Young look like a nuclear physicist.

And, with that, I’m done talking about that goddamned game.

Texans stick eight forks in my eye. I politely ask for more.

Oct 1, 2008 2008 Season, Posts that list too many players, Secondary issues are primary, What the fuck?

Eric beat me to the posting punch, but this got me riled as much as LoneSpot (I kid because I love).  Via PFT:

Hamza Abdullah, Tyron Brackenridge, Courtney Bryan, Therrian Fontenot, Nick Graham, Terrence Holt, Daren Stone, and Michael Waddell each got look-sees as the Texans prepare for their 2008 home opener against a Colts team that features pass-catchers like Reggie Wayne, Marvin Harrison, Dallas Clark, and Anthony Gonzalez.  It’s a must-win game for both teams; the Texans are 0-3 and the Colts are 1-2.

Of course, you could be like me and think all games are must win, but that would just be dumb, right?  I mean, we WANT to lose a couple, don’t we?

But that’s not what caught my discerning eye.  Oh no.

Look, I’m not the player geek I used to be, but I still consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about league rosters.  However, I only know much about Abdullah and Holt and a passing amount about a couple more.  In other words, we tried out who?

Abdullah actually played ahead of Nick Ferguson in Denver last year, which means something…I have no idea what.  Holt is…well, he’s CC Brown at best.  Otherwise, only Daren Stone catches my eye because he’s a huge young man.

Even if we were to sign one of these, they most likely wouldn’t see PT against the Colts, which is the good news.  The bad news is that the best of these may not be all that worse than CC.

Secondary issues are pri…wait a minute. Have I said this before?

Sep 29, 2008 Fire Richard Smith, Secondary issues are primary, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

With a little luck, this could’ve been a good thing.  Nope, I don’t wish that CC Brown would break his arm, considering it seems to be the only way he can tackle.  But I was hoping that it might be a Wally Pipp/Lou Gehrig kinda moment.  Alas, Durga’s still a prick to us Texans’ fans as Brandon Harrison may have been lost for the year during the BE-SF game.

As much as CC gives on the field, the fact is that both he and Smoove Will are both a step or two slow.  Putting Harrison out there would’ve been a tremendous boost to our overall team speed.  Perhaps, just perhaps, this is Dominique Barber’s chance to shine, but he wasn’t considered a speed demon coming out in the draft this year.  And it’ll either be Barber or Nick Ferguson.  So, you know, we’re still slow.

Oh, and you said you wanted more good news?  To take CC’s spot on the roster, we signed FB Cecil Sapp.

Fuck.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find the Bitchephant.  I could use that bit of love tonight.

(h/ts to Jersey Bill and Eric, but I’d also been thinking about this post since about noon.  Lousy day job…)

Church

Sep 16, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, I ask that you wash it first, I really need a different hobby, Inflamed body parts, Kevin Bentley, Too far?, Travis Johnson, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Methodist Practice Bubble parking lot, September 19, 2008, after practice

Kevin Bentley:  (jogging) William!  William!  Do hold on a moment, William!

Will Demps:  Will Demps is not very fond of talking to your pretty, er, ugly ass.  Besides, there’s a good chance some random bitches are waitin’ for Will Demps back at, um, Will Demps’s crib, ya dig? Make it fast, mofo.

Bentley:  Well, William, I was just going to suggest that, now that we’ve both made the team and, more importantly, now that Hurricane Ike has given us some perspective on the important things in life—things like family, love, community, and the need for proper skin care in inclimate weather—perhaps we should call off this entire wager.

Demps:  The fuck you mean “call it off?!”  Motherfucker, Will Demps is going full dick ahead with this bet!  Will Demps is going to drive your cockblocking ass out this town, holmes!  Will Demps is going to ball Rhonda Kubiak so good, SHE be callin’ you up to tell you Will Demps won the bet.  Ain’t no calling it off, brothaman.

Bentley:  William, I fear you might have gotten concussed in our competition against Pittsburgh, as you do not seem to be thinking all that clearly.  What makes you think your odds of winning a bet in which you’ve been a decided underdog from the outset have somehow improved of late?

Demps: What makes…odds?  I, er, Will Demps ain’t got no clue what the fuck you’re jibba-jabberin’ about.  But if you askin’ why I’m going to win, take a look in the mirror.  You look like you done gained fiddyleven pounds.  You fat, dawg.  Not P-H-A-T like Kim Kardashian’s ass, either.  Straight F-A-T.  Will Demps is still a sexy ebony god with fifteen inches of throbbing black Jesus.

Bentley: Silly William, I gained a small amount of weight on purpose.  I have neither the time nor the patience to explain the mathematics to you right now, but rest assured that my increased mass gives me more power when I tackle and makes me an even better player.

Demps: On special teams, bitch.

Bentley:  Point taken, William.  Of course, were I to decide I wanted to play defensive back, I am sure I’d have no problem out-performing the disastrous results you and C.C. provided against Pittsburgh.  Tell me, William, is it customary to give wide receivers a fourteen yard cushion when they are at the five-yard line?

Demps: Fuck you, dude.

Bentley: Charming.  So, you really do not plan to give this wager a rest?

Demps: Hell naw, Chubb-o.

Bentley:  Fine.  Then consider yourself forewarned—with your play, it will not be a huge blow to anyone when you leave after I bed our target.

Demps: And, um, consider yourself forewhatevered—Will Demps taps ass.

Bentley: …

Demps: That’s right!

Bentley:  (looking over Demps’ shoulder) Not to change the subject, William, but is that an ass I see over in Travis’s vehicle?

Demps:  That’s Travis’s ass, dude!

Bentley:  And you know that…nevermind.

[Both run over to the truck, where Travis Johnson is having sex with Rhonda Kubiak]

Demps and Bentley: WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Travis Johnson: (rolling down window, but without breaking his stroke)  The fuck you frilly faggots want?

Rhonda Kubiak: Oh oh oh oh god oh fuck yes god holy cock yes oh fuck oh jesus oh mandingo oh pound that snizz you big, black stallion!!!!  THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SNIZZ!!!!

Demps: Will…Will Demps…um…Will don’t…

Bentley: What my semi-literate friend means is ‘How in the world did you get her to have sexual intercourse with you!?!’

Johnson: (stroking) Because, Ass Pirate Roberts, Travis Johnson fucks bitches.  He don’t act like one.  While y’all busy tweezing and buffing, I gots hoes skeezing and sucking.  Ya feel me?

Kubiak: I feel you!  I feel you!  Holy Christ, it’s so big I can taste it!

Bentley:  B-b-but…I have seventeen and a half inches of manhood!  I know you don’t have that!!!

Johnson: (stroking)  Nope, Cockbreath, I sure don’t.  But I have something better.

Bentley: What’s that?

Kubiak: (nearly out of breath) His dick is…consecrated by the God!  So this…isn’t…OH GODDAMN…YES, BIG DADDY…KNOCK THE LINING OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER…isn’t a sin!

Johnson:  (stroking)  That’s right.  I told y’all there was a reason for having the Pope conse– consecr– bless my shit.  Married bitches always be looking for that loophole so they can indulge they fantasies.  I gots the ultimate loophole, Nancy!

Bentley:  (shaking head, muttering as he walks off)  This just…it doesn’t make sense…I was supposed to be knocking that lining out of her motherfucker.  (looks back over shoulder)  C’mon, William.  I’ll buy you a lapdance at Centerfolds.

Demps: Will Demps says the bet is over.

Bentley: (patting him on the shoulder) I know, William.  I know.

Johnson:  (yelling after them)  Wait!  Don’t y’all wanna watch this bitch get baptized?!?  (to Rhonda) Open up, ho…you ’bout to taste some religiousness up in here!

Dear meth-laden BE-SF fans*: A love note from bfd

Aug 19, 2008 Broken Record, Bud Adams is evil, Logo by Chris, Suck it bitchez, What the fuck?

Earl Campbell?  Really?

When Earl chose Houston to call his home, he knew no one man could do it alone.

That, if you don’t know, is a lyric from “Big Bad Earl” by Tom Cantrell.  But if you are an average BE-SF fan or a complete dumbass like August West, aka cumsucker, you wouldn’t know that, would you?  And why would you not know that?

Because Earl Campbell never played a game in that back-assed state.  That’s why.  How is this concept even remotely confusing?

Sure, we can blame the makers of the poll for this error the same way we can blame your 6th grade English teacher because you still think it’s spelled “kat,” but that misses the point, doesn’t it?  You morons simply don’t understand that the Oilers aren’t your team.  It never was, and it never will be.

And contrary to Tom’s argument, there is plenty of justification to be pissed.  Bud Adams did his best to alienate the city of Houston at every opportunity.  That fucker’s only interest is self-interest, and he hated that Bum Phillips and Earl Campbell and the waiter at Los Tios were far more popular than he was.  For that prick, the goal was never to win, but to make as many shiny dimes as possible.  As far as I’m concerned, Bud Adams is a perfect fit for you people: you can have him, but you cannot have the Oilers.

After all, how many of you actually cheered for the team?  How many of you invested every NFL Sunday rooting for them?  And how many of you actually *WATCHED EARL CAMPBELL PLAY?*  None?  Or is it less?

I will end with, fuck you to all who voted for somebody other than Steve McNair or Eddie George.  To those who did vote for those guys?  Thank you for actually paying attention.

Again, I say to anybody who rooted for the Oilers while they were in Houston and followed that “loyalty” to TN: you are a fucking idiot of epic, titanic proportions.

Yours in Durga,

bfd

* Excludes Tman and NTT, both of whom I actually like and enjoy reading what they have to say, even if I disagree.

How ’bout a nice glass of shut the hell up?

Aug 3, 2008 Andre Johnson, Anger, Righteous Indignation, Rumors, Weak-ass arguments, What the fuck?

OK…time to bust out the old Righteous Indignation Machine.

First, it was the interviewer in this chat with Tim suggesting that ‘Dre was frustrating to fantasy owners (at least in part) because he was so injury-prone. (Side note: Tim continues to impress me in these, mainly because he always seems so much more knowledgeable than the host and winds up carrying the interview.)  Then it was shithead supreme Mike Florio who wrote:

The Texans need a healthy Johnson (heh-heh, heh) in 2008.  Regardless of whether the latest injury is serious, it’s hard not to wonder whether Johnson has become more than a little fragile as his career enters what should be its prime.

That’s dumb, but it’s not even the dumbest thing on the page, as that honor goes to the mouth-breathing dumbfuck who left the first comment to Florio’s post:

Surprise, surprise! Andre Johnson has an injury! Has this guy made it through an entire an NFL season in his entire career?

Righteous Indignation Machine…engage.

Plain and simple, if you think Andre Johnson is “fragile” or “injury prone” or “always hurt,” you are a goddamned retard.  Prior to last season, ‘Dre had ONE YEAR WHERE HE MISSED EVEN A SINGLE GAME.  That was 2005, when a calf injury forced him out of a game early and caused him to miss the next three.  Other than that, Johnson had played every single game…and played really fucking well.

Yes, he was hurt last year.  (And, yes, I am still kind of bitter at Kubiak about it, as there was absolutely no reason for Johnson to even be in the game at that point.)  And, yes, there’s a chance that this groin tweak is somehow related to the rehabilitation of the knee injury.  But one serious injury in five years of football does not make someone fragile.

Compare:

Andre Johnson

Steve Smith

Plaxico Burress

Larry Fitzgerald

Terrell Owens

Need I continue? For a little clarification, for the list above, other than Steve Smith (who I included because people constantly talk about how tough he is), I tried to stick with receivers who were similar in size and or playing style to Andre Johnson.  I’m pretty sure I could plug most any #1 WR into this post, though, and have similar results.

So what the fuck gives?  The guy is every bit as durable as the WRs who get lauded for their toughness and/or for being “gamers.”  He’s had one small injury and one big injury in five years, despite being one of the most targeted WRs in the game and despite being one of the more active WRs when it comes to downfield blocking.  He’s been hung out to dry by his QBs (especially the since-departed pillow biter) more often than just about anyone, yet he takes hits, rarely runs out of bounds, is not afraid to go over the middle, and almost never gets hurt.

One injury does not make someone injury prone.  People like Florio who say otherwise deserve to be faceraped.

Righteous Indignation Machine…disengage.

I get emails…

Jul 28, 2008 What the fuck?

Subject: Is that YOU,John??!!!

Please tell me more about our beloved Houston Oilers!!!! I`m also in my fucking 80`s and I only care about the football team that was here in my youth. Also, tell me all about the Baylor Bears,again!! I still like the 1st movie with Walter Mattheu. Those kids are funny!!! Is baseball the only sport they play?!! Are Anna-Megans` tits real?!! I`d love to take out my teeth&gum those babies,would`nt you,Johnny?!! Hey,great chatting with you! Suck up a 12-pack&enjoy your day!!!     XX……………PS:If you think of any more Texas sports legends from the `20`s or 30`s I should be idolizing,please let me know.

There are so many things wrong with this, but does this person seriously believe I am Pancakes????  I guess it’s my Keats-like odes to Pancakes that confuses this gentleman.