DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Like sands through the hourglass…

Mar 4, 2009 Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Gary Kubiak, God hates ugly, Okam's Razor, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Sometimes I worry myself, Too far?, Travis Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

February 25, 2009. Reliant Stadium.  Gary Kubiak’s office.

Gary Kubiak: [into desk intercom] Send Will in as soon as he gets here, Darlene.  I need to get this over with.

Darlene: Damn!  [into desk intercom]  Ok, Mr. Kubiak.  [to Will Demps]  Shit.  Pull your pants up; we’ll have to do this some other time.  Here’s my number.

Will Demps: Dang, girl.  Will Demps wants to take a bite of that onion!  You know Will gonna call you, right?  You mean a lot to Will, Charlene.

Darlene:  Darlene.

Demps:  Yeah.  That’s what Will said.  Will Demps gon’ head on in and talk to Coach.  Will Demps will get back at you after he straight handles his business like a MAN.

Kubiak:  Hi, Will.  Come on in.

Demps:  Now, coach—before you say anything, just let Will Demps tell you that he…er…I…Will is aware that his play was not exactly Pro Bowl quality last year.

Kubiak:  Will, it’s just that we’re going younger in the secondary this year.  We think tha–

Demps:  Coach coach coach…hold on!  Before you make a decision or anything, let Will make you an offer.  Something Will thinks is fair for everyone.

Kubiak: [sighing]  OK…fine.  What is it?

Demps:  I’ll suck your dick.

Kubiak:  What?! The fuck did you just say??

Demps: Naw, hear Will out, dude.  Will Demps ain’t gay or nuthin’.  Totally straight, and you know this.  But Will can suck a mean dick. Or, you know…Will could most likely, if Will was gay.  Which he ain’t.  At all.

Kubiak:  Are you out of your fucking mind?!?

Demps:  Seriously, Coach.  Golf ball through a garden hose, if you know what Will is sayin’.  You just can’t tell nobody because that would damage Will’s cred with the ladies.  And that’s what Will likes—the ladies.  Will is one-hundred percent about that female anatomy.

Kubiak:  Get the fuck out of here!  You’re off the team!!

Demps: Wait wait wait!  There’s gotta be somethin’…[thinking]…OH, SHIT!  Will Demps bets you don’t know who Rhonda been creepin’ ’round with.

Kubiak:  How dare you?!?  I oughta be–

[Dream sequence:  Kubiak flashes back to conversation with Morlon Greenwood.

Greenwood: Ku ya! Me nah need help from de downpressor! Me nuh bubu!

Kubiak:  I didn’t mean anything by it, Morlon.  Just offering to help.  Anyway, the facility will be open to you through the end of the week so you can get your things.  Please drop off your playbook when you come by.  Again, sorry.

Greenwood: Betcha din’ know bout Travis feelin’ d’agony in ye wifey pum-pum. She bumba clot ya! She tek smadi mek poppy-show!

Kubiak:  OK, then.  Very well.  Good luck, Morlon.  [hangs up]  Travis…pum-pum…poppy-show?

/end dream]

Kubiak: Ok…I’m listening.

Demps:  Ok, see, Kevin and Will Demps were in the parking lot…

[five minutes later]

…was screaming “THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SNIZZ”…

[five minutes later]

…sweaty stank…

[five minutes later]

…’bout to taste some religiousness up in here!”

Kubiak: I… but…

Demps: Yeah, dawg.  Fucked up. [moves across the room]  Will Demps feels yo’ pain.  Will Demps is here for you, man.  Will Demps can be a great shoulder to cry on…a great listener, too.  [sits beside Kubiak, puts his arm around him]  Maybe you’d feel a little better if Will Demps–

Kubiak: No.

Demps: No?

Kubiak: Get out, Will.  I need to handle something.

Demps: Fine.  Ain’t this some shit?  Coach actin’ all homophobical!  Maybe you repressin’ somethin’.

Kubiak: OUT!

Demps: [walking out door, talking back over his shoulder] Fine!  But you better not tell anyone!  Because Will Demps is not gay!  Just because Will Demps offered to suck–[sees Darlene]–er punch you in the mouth!  You hear Will Demps?! [shuts door]

Kubiak: [to self]  Stay calm, Gary.  It won’t do any good to flip out.  None at all.  You need to keep a level head until you have all the facts.

[pauses]

Fuck that shit.  It’s fucking ON now.  [yelling] This is not over!!! Vengeance will be mine, Travis!!!  Oh yes…it will be mine!!!!

[Meanwhile, fifteen miles away, listening to the whole conversation via a homemade surveillance device planted in Kubaik's office back in September]

Frank Okam:  Excellent.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

If I were a Texan, I’d stay away from Rick Smith these days

Feb 26, 2009 2009 Offseason, Anthony Weaver is a thief, Black Salaami, Eugene Wilson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

And the Texan houscleaning continues.  Will Demps, Anthony Weaver, and Ephraim Salaam have all been released.  Also, the team has reached an agreement with Eugene Wilson, who may in fact have the least intimidating football name ever.

All in all, none of these are tremendously surprising.  I think most of us can appreciate the work that Demps and Salaam did for us when they came in.  Demps performed admirably as a safety in 2007 before his production fell off last season.  No word yet on how this will impact fake conversations.

Salaam stepped in for an injured Charles Spencer to do a decent, if unspectacular job at left tackle.  He was a little pissed when the team drafted and started Duane Brown last year, but that’s the way the game goes.  Plus, he had that Superbowl commercial with Chester Pitts, so he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.

Anthony Weaver, on the other hand, was an abject failure from day one.  He came in with for top dollar with high expectations and is tied on the Texans career sack list with Lional Dalton.  I understand that sacks are not the end all be all of statistics for defensive ends, but one in three years is pretty pathetic.  Weaver, however, is a pretty well spoken guy and seems to have a good sense of humor, so I would like to see him slide into the announcing world one of these days.  After all, it doesn’t seem like you really need a lot of qualifications for that job.

On a more positive note, Eugene Wilson gets to keep his job.  He did a pretty solid job last season, retarded fumble on his INT return against the Dolphins not withstanding.  With recent history the way it is, though, I wouldn’t bet on three years of job security if I were him.  The Texans definitely don’t have issues with letting guys go before their contract is up.

Mulligan

Dec 12, 2008 2008 Draft, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, H/T Eric, Secondary issues are primary, Stevie Wonder, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

SI’s Don Banks does a re-do of the 2008 Draft.  Stevie Wonder and Kung Fu Panda are both in the Top 12.

Cincinnati Bengals (Original Pick: Keith Rivers, LB, USC)

RE-DO PICK: STEVE SLATON, RB, WEST VIRGINIA
Tough call here. Rivers was playing very well until he got his jaw busted by Hines Ward early in Week 7. And the Bengals loved Jerod Mayo, who went No. 10 to New England. But defense hasn’t been the problem for a change in Cincy, the offense has. When Cedric Benson is your leading rusher, you need help in the running game. Slaton has been a revelation for Houston.

Denver Broncos (Original Pick: Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State)

RE-DO PICK: DUANE BROWN, OT, VIRGINIA TECH
We were tempted to select Oregon’s Jonathan Stewart for the Broncos, given that they’ve gone through running backs like Kleenex this season. But Denver doesn’t take first-round running backs. With no Clady on the board, we stick with a left tackle in Brown, who has started 12 games for Houston and excelled in run blocking.

Banks’ projection has the Texans still trading back (or, more accurately, just drafting in the position where they actually drafted). While I freely admit I was wrong on Duane Brown, I think it’s kind of interesting that Banks had us taking one of the guys (along with DR-C and Balmer) that I was hoping for.

Houston Texans (Original Pick: Duane Brown, OT, Virginia Tech)

RE-DO PICK: KENNY PHILLIPS, S, MIAMI
We could have given the Texans a tackle like Sam Baker to replace the productive Brown, but back surgery took a huge chunk out of Baker’s season in Atlanta. The Texans could have used an upgrade at safety, where Eugene Wilson, Will Demps and Nick Ferguson are so-so. Phillips has shown up nicely for the defending champs.

It’s awful sweet of Banks to label Demps as only “so-so.” I would have gone with “so, so awful.”

Secondary issues are pri…wait a minute. Have I said this before?

Sep 29, 2008 Fire Richard Smith, Secondary issues are primary, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

With a little luck, this could’ve been a good thing.  Nope, I don’t wish that CC Brown would break his arm, considering it seems to be the only way he can tackle.  But I was hoping that it might be a Wally Pipp/Lou Gehrig kinda moment.  Alas, Durga’s still a prick to us Texans’ fans as Brandon Harrison may have been lost for the year during the BE-SF game.

As much as CC gives on the field, the fact is that both he and Smoove Will are both a step or two slow.  Putting Harrison out there would’ve been a tremendous boost to our overall team speed.  Perhaps, just perhaps, this is Dominique Barber’s chance to shine, but he wasn’t considered a speed demon coming out in the draft this year.  And it’ll either be Barber or Nick Ferguson.  So, you know, we’re still slow.

Oh, and you said you wanted more good news?  To take CC’s spot on the roster, we signed FB Cecil Sapp.

Fuck.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find the Bitchephant.  I could use that bit of love tonight.

(h/ts to Jersey Bill and Eric, but I’d also been thinking about this post since about noon.  Lousy day job…)

Church

Sep 16, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, I ask that you wash it first, I really need a different hobby, Inflamed body parts, Kevin Bentley, Too far?, Travis Johnson, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Methodist Practice Bubble parking lot, September 19, 2008, after practice

Kevin Bentley:  (jogging) William!  William!  Do hold on a moment, William!

Will Demps:  Will Demps is not very fond of talking to your pretty, er, ugly ass.  Besides, there’s a good chance some random bitches are waitin’ for Will Demps back at, um, Will Demps’s crib, ya dig? Make it fast, mofo.

Bentley:  Well, William, I was just going to suggest that, now that we’ve both made the team and, more importantly, now that Hurricane Ike has given us some perspective on the important things in life—things like family, love, community, and the need for proper skin care in inclimate weather—perhaps we should call off this entire wager.

Demps:  The fuck you mean “call it off?!”  Motherfucker, Will Demps is going full dick ahead with this bet!  Will Demps is going to drive your cockblocking ass out this town, holmes!  Will Demps is going to ball Rhonda Kubiak so good, SHE be callin’ you up to tell you Will Demps won the bet.  Ain’t no calling it off, brothaman.

Bentley:  William, I fear you might have gotten concussed in our competition against Pittsburgh, as you do not seem to be thinking all that clearly.  What makes you think your odds of winning a bet in which you’ve been a decided underdog from the outset have somehow improved of late?

Demps: What makes…odds?  I, er, Will Demps ain’t got no clue what the fuck you’re jibba-jabberin’ about.  But if you askin’ why I’m going to win, take a look in the mirror.  You look like you done gained fiddyleven pounds.  You fat, dawg.  Not P-H-A-T like Kim Kardashian’s ass, either.  Straight F-A-T.  Will Demps is still a sexy ebony god with fifteen inches of throbbing black Jesus.

Bentley: Silly William, I gained a small amount of weight on purpose.  I have neither the time nor the patience to explain the mathematics to you right now, but rest assured that my increased mass gives me more power when I tackle and makes me an even better player.

Demps: On special teams, bitch.

Bentley:  Point taken, William.  Of course, were I to decide I wanted to play defensive back, I am sure I’d have no problem out-performing the disastrous results you and C.C. provided against Pittsburgh.  Tell me, William, is it customary to give wide receivers a fourteen yard cushion when they are at the five-yard line?

Demps: Fuck you, dude.

Bentley: Charming.  So, you really do not plan to give this wager a rest?

Demps: Hell naw, Chubb-o.

Bentley:  Fine.  Then consider yourself forewarned—with your play, it will not be a huge blow to anyone when you leave after I bed our target.

Demps: And, um, consider yourself forewhatevered—Will Demps taps ass.

Bentley: …

Demps: That’s right!

Bentley:  (looking over Demps’ shoulder) Not to change the subject, William, but is that an ass I see over in Travis’s vehicle?

Demps:  That’s Travis’s ass, dude!

Bentley:  And you know that…nevermind.

[Both run over to the truck, where Travis Johnson is having sex with Rhonda Kubiak]

Demps and Bentley: WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Travis Johnson: (rolling down window, but without breaking his stroke)  The fuck you frilly faggots want?

Rhonda Kubiak: Oh oh oh oh god oh fuck yes god holy cock yes oh fuck oh jesus oh mandingo oh pound that snizz you big, black stallion!!!!  THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SNIZZ!!!!

Demps: Will…Will Demps…um…Will don’t…

Bentley: What my semi-literate friend means is ‘How in the world did you get her to have sexual intercourse with you!?!’

Johnson: (stroking) Because, Ass Pirate Roberts, Travis Johnson fucks bitches.  He don’t act like one.  While y’all busy tweezing and buffing, I gots hoes skeezing and sucking.  Ya feel me?

Kubiak: I feel you!  I feel you!  Holy Christ, it’s so big I can taste it!

Bentley:  B-b-but…I have seventeen and a half inches of manhood!  I know you don’t have that!!!

Johnson: (stroking)  Nope, Cockbreath, I sure don’t.  But I have something better.

Bentley: What’s that?

Kubiak: (nearly out of breath) His dick is…consecrated by the God!  So this…isn’t…OH GODDAMN…YES, BIG DADDY…KNOCK THE LINING OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER…isn’t a sin!

Johnson:  (stroking)  That’s right.  I told y’all there was a reason for having the Pope conse– consecr– bless my shit.  Married bitches always be looking for that loophole so they can indulge they fantasies.  I gots the ultimate loophole, Nancy!

Bentley:  (shaking head, muttering as he walks off)  This just…it doesn’t make sense…I was supposed to be knocking that lining out of her motherfucker.  (looks back over shoulder)  C’mon, William.  I’ll buy you a lapdance at Centerfolds.

Demps: Will Demps says the bet is over.

Bentley: (patting him on the shoulder) I know, William.  I know.

Johnson:  (yelling after them)  Wait!  Don’t y’all wanna watch this bitch get baptized?!?  (to Rhonda) Open up, ho…you ’bout to taste some religiousness up in here!

Um.

Aug 19, 2008 2 is not a winner and 3 nobody remembers, Inanity, Preview, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

So, I was looking through the referrals to this fine blog (something I do frequently at work, mainly because I am bored but also because I am paranoid), when I noticed someone had arrived via a Google search for “Will Demps dick.”

Okaaaayyyyyyyyy…

Well, I followed said link, just to see where we ranked in that search.  Go ahead…guess.  Nailed it, didn’t you?

I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said, “how do you spell spell ‘Sartre?’”

Jul 8, 2008 Bitchephant, Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, I ask that you wash it first, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

7:45 PM.  Kevin Bentley’s meticulously-appointed, feng shui-friendly loft apartment. Houston, TX.

Kevin Bentley: (doing situps, counting in Mandarin) …shi si, shi wu, shi liu…

(knock at the door)

Bentley: Enter!  (resumes situps) …shi qi, shi ba, shi jiu…

Frank Okam: Hello, Kevin.

Bentley: Welcome, Francis.  Please, come in and make yourself at home.  I shall only be a few more moments. (finishes situps) …er shi.  (towels off)  What brings you here, Francis?  More questions regarding string theory?

Okam: Not tonight, Kevin.  No, this eve finds me possessed of a worried mind fettered by dastardly plans.

Bentley: Do tell, young squire. You have piqued my interest most assuredly.

Okam: First, allow me to posit an ontological query. Can one actively pursue the destruction of another without in turn destroying himself?  Which is to say, does the driving out of existence one’s enemy have a similarly deleterious effect on one’s own self?

Bentley: Interesting question, Francis. To my way of thinking, when one focuses on his own being qua being, his interactions with others become a necessary rubric for understanding one’s self. That said, those interactions with others only help to cast light upon one’s own being; they are not a condition precedent for being.

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: A moment, Francis.  (answers phone) Hello….yes…I see…well, have you spoken to your sister about it?…and she is fine with the idea?…I see…no, nothing rough…yes…indeed…I shall see you both in one hour. (hangs up)

(resumes discussion) Thus, the destruction — either literal or merely relative to his current socio-economic status — of one’s enemy does not impact one’s being so much as allow one to see the side of his being which is capable of such malevolence.

Okam: Interesting.  So, by that rationale, the capacity to destroy is a characteristic of the destroyer’s being, for better or worse, and does not, in fact, define the being any more than, say, a predilection toward certain cereal brands would?

Bentley: Precisely — so the question is not “will one’s destruction of another bring about one’s own destruction,”

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: Apologies, dear friend. (answers phone) Hello…this is he…the going rate is $500 and hour…yes, that works out to just over $29 per inch per hour…indeed…I can work you in three hours from now…of course…you can make it payable to Lyndon Veins Johnson…yes, see you then. (hangs up)

(resumes discussion) but, rather “can one tolerate the self-reflection that knowing one’s capacity to destroy provides?” Now, obviously, if the answer to the second query is negative, then it could very well be that, by extension, the decision to destroy the other person might lead to one’s own destruction, but it does not by definition have to lead there.

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: Excuse me for just another second or two, Francis.  (answers phone) Hello…speaking…I leave the decisions regarding lubricant to you…sure, but that runs slightly more…all cards except Discover…I ask that you wash it first…of course…see you in five hours. (hangs up phone)

(resumes discussion) But now, Francis, with that query answered satisfactorily, I must inquire as to what tipped you off to my wager with William?

Okam: You find me at a loss for response, sir; I am unaware as to any wager with anyone. I was speaking on behalf of my own concerns and issues. Might you elaborate upon this wager?

Bentley: Well, Francis, upon the realization that the female population is not ample enough to sustain both myself and William Demps, he and I entered into an agreement whereby the first one to bed a predetermined target female would win, forcing the other competitor to leave Houston and the Texans organization at once.

Okam: How very fascinating!  Yet, I have found myself wondering of late how someone as vapid as William could find constant success with the ladies.  Surely this competition is most heavily tilted in your favor!

Bentley: One would certainly think so, but Mr. Demps possesses a certain manner of talking to women that makes him, at times, irresistible to them.  He is, if you will, a “cunning linguist.”

Okam: Good show!  Well played, indeed!

Bentley: Thank you.  I found that aphorism quite humorous as well.

Okam: I assume the target female was chosen for her relative unattainability?

Bentley: Very intuitive, young Francis. The target female is none other than Rhonda Kubiak.

Okam: I imagine my face reveals my utter amazement at your answer!

Bentley: Quite!  (laughs, composes self, checks watch) I have greatly enjoyed this conversation, Francis.  Now, I hope you don’t think me a boor, but I must excuse myself post haste.  For, if I don’t apply the champagne and talcum powder mask to my testicles before engaging in tonight’s activities, I will surely find myself chaffed come the morrow.

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: I shall call you soon, Francis.  (answers phone) Hello…

I guess it is Video Day around here

Jun 26, 2008 Awesomeness, Super Mario, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

I can’t decide which of the sacks is my favorite. The first was athletic as hell, but the one-handed third was pretty damned cool. Oh well, just sit back and enjoy.

Also, never forget, Will Demps couldn’t catch clap in a whorehouse. I mean that figuratively, of course. Literally…that’s a different tale.

Kickoff

Jun 21, 2008 2008 Season, Andre Johnson, Corky Johnson, Curious Coaching, Fantasy Geeks, Kickoff, Okam's Razor, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

To Be The Best, You’ve Got To Beat The Best Just Stay Healthy.  CBSSports’ fantasy football coverage offers a write-up of Andre Johnson, how ridiculously good he is, and how important it is for him to be 100% healthy this year. My only knock on the article is that it ends with a hint that Johnson is “injury prone.”  (As an aside: I still rank Kubaik’s decision to leave Johnson on the field once the Panthers game was in hand as his worst single decision ever.) (H/T b0ng, via Eric)

Come Along And Ride On A Fantasy Voyage. Another fantasy sports article regarding your Houston Texans.  A fairly straight-forward and honest write-up, with little in the way of surprise.  In fact, the main reason I am posting it is so I can quote this line: “The only addition the team made to the defensive line was fifth-rounder tackle Frank Okam, who needs to supplant the very injury-prone Travis Johnson as soon as possible.”  Replace “injury-prone” with “retarded” and we are in agreement, anonymous web author. (H/T Eric)

Ladies Love 37th Ranked DBs. Rounding out our Saturday Kickoff fantasygasm, here’s an article ranking the top 50 fantasy DBs coming into 2008.  Our own Smoove Will is #37 and C.C. Brown in #39.  The fact that these two are ranked and Fred Bennett is not should tell you all you need to know about the translation from real-life football to fantasy football.

A revised look at 4-3 defensive theory

Jun 17, 2008 2008 Season, Broken Record, Colvin, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Football 101, I love defensive football, Morlon Greenwood, Okam's Razor, Posts that list too many players, Rendhel and Sid, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Fred, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Because two of my good friends are Giants and Redskins fans, respectively, I find myself engaged in more conversations about NFC East football that one would expect for a Texans fan. However, because I am obsessed with defensive football–especially defensive line play–I actually enjoy these chats and, more often than not, come away with some new ideas about our team.

Anyway, one idea that we’ve been kicking around lately is that the Texans should run a variation on the Eagles’ defense because (a) our personnel is tailor-made for such a system and (b) that system would allow our front seven to protect the weaknesses in our back four, just like it did for the Super Bowl Champion Giants.  Sounds good, no?

Let me back up a bit, though, and lay this out. Back in late October of last season, I wrote a long post advocating, first, that we blitz, and, second, that we come up with some creative fronts and utilize the zone blitz more often.

2b. So, then…how should we go about blitzing (other than with the aforementioned proper use of the WLB)? The answer is simple: the zone blitz

[4-3 defense 102 here. Feel free to skip ahead.]

The idea behind the zone blitz is two-fold. First, duh, create pressure. Second, however, it tries to confuse the offense’s blocking calls by sending any of the three linebackers (or, occasionally, a safety) while someone else fills the space left by the vacating backer. In that way, the defense does not lose the extra hands in coverage, but should still be able to get penetration because the offensive line will not know where the blitz is coming from on a given play.

For example, the zone blitz allows the MLB to blitz through the A-gap, while the nose tackle stunts over through the B-gap. In coverage, the WLB fills the space vacated by the MLB and the RDE drops back and out into the space that WLB would fill in a standard two deep zone. So, when the QB sees the MLB attack, his natural reaction is to look to throw at where the blitz came from (or, if he’s guessing that the WLB will fill, to where the WLB came from), only to find the ball thrown right at a defender.

Then, on the very next play, with the very same package, the team could go with a more traditional WLB blitz, but have the RDE slide back to fill. We saw this play once or twice in the preseason with Shantee Orr lined up outside the RDE and it was effective.

An added bonus of blitzing out of a two-deep zone is that it allows our best defensive player to make even more of an impact on the game. DeMeco Ryans has two sacks this season, both of which have come on a straight blitz. On both plays, he came more or less untouched (one against Harrington late in the game when we decided to actually play D and the one last week where he nearly killed Kerry Collins) because he was allowed to read the offensive line and choose between the A- and B-gap and he smacked the QB right in the mouth. He has also been asked to run blitz a couple times and he’s found success there. So, if we start using him on some zone blitzes, teams will have to account for him more. Meaning that blitzes from other positions–say Danny Clarkstunting over the LDE with Morlon Greenwood dropping back to the middle and DeMeco filling the space where the SLB would normally be–a team throwing over the blitz would be throwing the ball right at our best defensive weapon. Likewise, letting DeMeco creep up and show blitz, especially if he’d already had success, would create more chances for the d-linemen on either side of him to get ignored by an overzealous o-lineman. And so on, and so forth.

[/4-3 Defense 102]

I cannot state this strongly enough. Blitzing is a necessity when you have 1/4th of a real secondary.Zone blitzing allows for our strong front seven to create mismatches while still keeping two or three extra bodies in coverage and allowing our best defensive player to better impact the game. While you cannot necessarily use the zone blitz on every down (it becomes less effective at some point), how is this not a better option than dropping the three LBs, relying entirely on your front four for any pressure on the QB, and watching the QB have time to locate and throw at Petey Faggins?

3. Why do we use our front four in such a vanilla manner?

Just like you can’t run the zone blitz on every defensive snap, if you do anything over and over, eventually everyone in the NFL will know your tendencies. (By “eventually,” I mean “by next week.”) Right now, we have the same formulaic defensive line positions. Mario at RDE on running plays, Mario at LDE on passing plays, blah blah blah.

Why?

First of all, backing up a step, why when Mario moves to LDE–a move I really, really like–do the tackles not flip-flop so that Amobi Okoye is not beside Mario? We’ve covered this before. Yes, I am fully aware that Amobi has four sacks and that, on three of those, Mario is clearly occupying at least two blockers. That’s all well and good, but, like we said before, it’s not really the highest, best use of their talents. Flipping Amobi puts your two-gap, big-bodied tackle between Mario and Okoye. It is this player’s goal to pick up two blockers, which means that either Amobi or Mario (or, possibly, both) would draw single blocking more often than not. Meaning, oh I don’t know, that we would get more consistent penetration from both sides of the line.

But, back to where we started question 3: why even have a definite set order for your defensive linemen? I mean, sure, if you are going to have set positions based on down and distance, then for god’s sake, do it correctly within the constraints of the 4-3. But do you really even have to have set positions? Right now, you have Mario Williams who, though Richard Justice would disagree, is actually playing very well [This sentence is hilarious in retrospect. --Ed.]. You have Amobi Okoye, who is playing the pass-rush role as well as we hoped and playing the running game better than we hoped. AND you have Travis Johnson who is just playing some inspired football right now, hustling, hitting people, and playing like you would hope a first-round DT would [Did I really write that? Jeez. --Ed.]. That’s three real pass rushers, plus we haven’t even touched on Kalu,Weaver, Maddox, etc.

With that kind of ability up front, why become so predictable that teams can game plan and negate some of the advantage you have? Mix it up a little. Go big on one play and have Mario, Maddox, Johnson, and Amobi from left to right. Next time out, go with your more traditional base. Then turn around and go small (relatively speaking) with Mario, Okoye, Cochran, and Orr [Replace "Orr" with "Colvin" or "Thompson" --Ed.]. Create a mismatch by putting Mario at under tackle and then having him twist-stunt with Weaver lined up at DE. The possibilities are vast…if you will just use them.

Note: I am fully aware that Mario moved around a lot last year and that some of the coaching staff thought that might have been his “problem.” You know, rather than just having an injured foot and being a rookie at a tough position. That’s all well and good, but setting up your front so that he is guaranteed to get doubled on every single play is hardly the answer.

I guess the bigger point here for question three is JUST DO SOMETHING. Don’t keep running out there with a predictable front four rotation, no blitz packages to speak of, and a secondary that can’t cover for as long as you are asking them to. DO SOMETHING.

The great thing about the 4-3 is the balance. But that balance is in terms of playing the run versus playing the pass, meaning you still have to play to the strengths of your D. Consistency in game planning will always equal regression in the NFL; worse, consistently planning in the same incorrect manner will always equal failure.

While a number of you bought into my arguments, there were a good number who argued that “we’d blitz if we could” and “Richard Smith is doing the best he can with what he has.”  Of course, my whole argument was that, no he wasn’t, but that’s beside the point.  The point is the team did start blitzing the very next week (I know you are reading this, Smith!) and did so with success, I might add.  Unfortunately, it never really got into the idea of true zone blitzing or, more importantly, blitzing teams with high-octane offenses (read: the Colts game) and there was little or no creativity shown in our alignments and packages.

Now, I still stand by my assertions that my approach to the defense would work and work well given our roster.  However, upon further review, I see that there is an even better approach we could take.

Which brings us to the Eagles’ scheme.  And, even better, brings us to an Xs and Os breakdown of said scheme.

The Eagles ostensibly run a 4-3 defense.  Their system differs from the standard 4-3, though, in a number of ways, all of them significant.

1. The Outside Linebackers. Instead of having a true SLB and WLB, they make the two OLBs interchangeable in terms of responsibilities and positioning. Using these fungible LBs, on nearly every play one of the OLBs rotates up, creating a five-man front and showing blitz while the other rotates back, creating additional space between himself and the line.  Despite being on the line, however, there is no guarantee that that linebacker will blitz; the Eagles will sometimes bring the other OLB, a CB, a safety, or nobody at all (though bringing no one is rare–the Eagles blitz almost 65% of the time), with the up linebacker dropping into coverage either by hitting a specified zone or by picking up the TE or RB or FB in man coverage.

On the other hand, there will obviously be times when the up linebacker does blitz.  In this system, though, he might be joined in the rush by the other OLB, by either corner, or (one of the Eagles’ favorite moves) by the safety.  Or maybe he’s joined by two or three of those guys.  Or maybe you think he’s going to be joined by the safety, only to find the safety back in coverage right as you release the ball…see where I’m going with this?

Another facet of the Philly scheme is that OLB speed is not as important as instincts and the ability to get where you need to be in coverage. This is not to say that speed isn’t an asset–of course it is. Rather, it just means that a player like Greenwood who has shown great instincts (see, e.g., the Atlanta game when he realized Faggins had blown the underneath coverage and tried to get there from his spot on the edge) becomes more  valuable in this system. 

2. The Middle Linebacker. The Eagles’ system simultaneously limits the MLB and gives him greater freedom to impact the game, which sounds illogical but isn’t.  In your standard 4-3, the MLB generally reads the offensive line and the FB and then flows to a hole, whether that hole is in the A-gap or all the way out in the D-gap. But his flow to the hole is limited by his added responsibility of maintaining interior defensive positioning until he is sure there is no cut-back run.  Only after making all of the proper reads is your MLB free to use his speed and be the sideline-to-sideline playmaker.  

In the Philly scheme, the MLB has two responsibilities–the A-gaps–because all of the other holes are filled with rushing bodies. If the play goes away from these gaps, the MLB’s defined responsibilities are done and he is freed to roam the field, ad-lib, and create plays, meaning that he doesn’t have to have the same great recovery speed that the standard 4-3 MLB does.  It is this simultaneous limiting and freeing that makes someone like Jeremiah Trotter a dominant MLB in this system; ask him to play sideline-to-sideline like a typical 4-3 MLB as they did in Washington and he sucks immensely, but put him in Philly where he only has to play the A-gaps and he’ll consistently get 100 solo tackles and 3-5 sacks a year.

3. Defensive Line Theory. In Philly’s scheme, the only player in the front seven who has true two-gap responsibility is the Nose Tackle, and even he only has to do it every once in a while.  (The MLB is responsible for two gaps, but they are really just the same gap on either side of the center and not a two-gap responsibility in the same sense that the NT has.) Now, on the face of it, that is not so different from a standard 4-3. The devil is in the details, though.

A typical 4-3 is a read-and-react defense for everyone except a blitzer (and, really, even he is supposed to do this).  Now, while the linemen in a 4-3 only have one gap responsibility, the difference between their one-gap requirements and Philly’s DL one-gap requirements is one of intent and initial movement. For example, in the read-and-react approach, his primary responsibility is to read the lineman blocking him because, while he has C- or D-gap (depending on alignment and shift) requirements as well as contain, he has to remain in position to go either direction with respect to his blocker–on an inside run, he has to be able to shed the block and crash down; on an outside run, he needs to get free of the block and seal the edge. To do this successfully, the lineman must stand his blocker up and stay square with him long enough to read the play and react to it (hence the name).

In an attacking, Philly-style system, which is a one-gap attacking approach, the first responsibility for the DE as well as all the other lineman is to get 1.5 to 2 yards upfield, then flow to the ball. What this means in practice (assuming perfect execution) is, in a read-and-react D, every lineman stands his blocker up, then flows along the face of the blockers down the line of scrimmage to the ball, while, in an attacking one-gap system, the defensive linemen get behind the blockers and then flow (or, more accurately, crash) to the ball.

As a quick aside, obviously, each system will have its flaws and benefits. The read-and-react defense expect the linebackers to make most of the tackles, which means consistent positive yardage for the opposing team, yet it also gives you a safety net of a clogged line and three backers moving to the ball. The attacking defense runs a risk of giving up the big play if the linemen or LBs miss their tackles, but it also gives you a near certainty of consistently stopping the opposition for no gain or a loss.

A second difference in D-line theory between the two schemes is movement of the front four by way of stunts and whatnot. Because it is a one-gap system, the linemen are freed to do any number of a variety of stunts so long as the movement ends with one of them in each gap. While such stunts are theoretically possible in a standard 4-3, you can’t do it too much when the DTs may have multiple gaps or when you are worried about breaking contain on the outside. When you are sending the house on a blitz, however, all that matters is (a) that a body ends up in each of the gaps and (b) that you can count on your MLB to make tackles on anyone who comes thru the A gaps or slips around the edge (which goes back to the freedom of the MLB’s responsibilities).

4. Coverage. Much like the front seven, the coverage in a Philly scheme is incredibly fluid. If you watch the Eagles (or the Giants, who are actually a better comparison given their lack of a super secondary), the coverage calls might change two or three times before the ball is snapped. An initial coverage is called based on down and distance. Once the offense breaks its huddle, the coverage is changed if necessary to account for the personnel and the formation. Even better, the coverage can change on the fly after the ball is snapped. So, while the Cover 2 (which is pretty much a one-gap system up front) has players moving to specified zones and has some discrete coverage schemes within the larger system, the Philly system moves seamlessly from zone to man to zone again.

I just re-read that paragraph and it is not overly clear. By way of an incredibly simplistic example (that doesn’t account for some coverage variables): In the Philly system, assume the defense has called a 5-man blitz based on the offense’s personnel of two WR and two TE on third-and-long and that the OLB who has rotated up to the line is supposed to cover one tight end, the nickel corner is coming on the blitz, and the other OLB is picking up the second TE. Now, presnap, the offense shifts the second TE out wide, so the coverage audibles for the third CB to pick up the second TE and the OLB who was going to pick up that TE to blitz. At the snap, the TE who was to be picked up by the up linebacker stays in to block, so that OLB instantly becomes a blitzer as well.  You’ve gone from a 5-man corner blitz to a 6-man two-LB blitz without changing your alignment or your package. By bringing out the extra TE, the offense has caused more blitzers to come.  That’s some beautiful stuff right there–it’s the beauty of the system that, should the defense recognize the initial blitz and audible into something else, your system accounts for that by changing your blitz altogether.

The second part of the scheme is that it does not pigeonhole your coverage into a certain system. So often, teams that run a Cover 2 design their blitzes based on the principles and assignments of the Cover 2. You will almost never see them come with a safety blitz because that leaves a hole in the coverage they are comfortable running and it is impossible to disguise from the Cover 2 alignment. A corner blitz is disguiseable because the CBs line up on the line, but it requires an OLB to cheat out and cover the area where the corner vacated, which is always dangerous.

But, as Philly showed against New England and Dallas last year, their system doesn’t force you into any specific pass defense. Against the Pats, the Eagles blitzed constantly, from all sorts of angles, and played straight up man coverage behind it and very nearly won that game. In the first half against the Cowboys, Philly again brought extra rushers, but alternated between man and zone behind it. Then, in the second half, they continued to show blitz on every play, but dropped everyone into coverage. The first half pressure had gotten to Romo, though, and he could not find a rhythm even when the blitz didn’t come.

Underlying each of these differences are the basic tenets of the system–create confusion by showing lots of different looks pre-snap and by bringing pressure from all sorts of locations, never let the offense know who is coming or how many are coming (anywhere from 5-8, but more than 4 about 2/3 of the time), and plug every hole while confusing the O-line and causing them to make mistakes. Basically, it’s an offensive take on defense: an attempt to create plays rather than reacting to what the offense is doing. Get upfield, and then play football.

How Does This Apply To Us?

Which brings us to the point of this post. Namely that your Houston Texans possess enough talent and flexibility in their front seven to run a modified version of this system and run it well.

Our defensive line would thrive in the one-gap approach. Imagine telling Mario Williams and even Anthony Weaver, “ok, first we want you to just get in the backfield, then worry about where the ball is.” Could anyone stop Mario in that situation if he didn’t have to react to the play before choosing a lane? Hell, could any TWO people consistently stop him in that situation? I think not. Weaver, likewise, would thrive because he would not have to react to left tackles–something he lacks the speed to do consistently–as much as just beat them off the line and get past them on whatever line he wants. Amobi and Frank Okam on the inside would also be fantastic in this scheme–you wouldn’t be asking two young players to read the play and their blockers. Amobi has already shown a nose for the ball, so you’d be telling him to follow those instincts. And Okam would actually be better than anything Philly uses on the inside–both of their starting DTs are much smaller than he is–and as the only two-gapper would have the girth to really eat up the blockers in his path. Hell, this system would even make Travis Johnson valuable again as the backup for both tackle positions. Love him or hate him (and I did both last year), his biggest problem is that he’s too small to really be a two-gap NT. This system would make him just put his head down and go upfield rather than trying to take on two blockers, so you could spell Okam with him when you didn’t need a two-gapper at all, or Johnson could back up Okoye. Oh, and Rosie Colvin? He could be the second D-end in nickel situations because, like Weaver, his success would not depend on being able to react and beat a LT. Much like Mathias Kiwanuka was for the Giants, he would be the pin-your-ears-back rusher in pure passing downs.

Like I said way back up there, this defense would make Greenwood even better than he has been for us. (And he has been very good, but that’s a whole other article.) Opposite him, it would make life both easier and more fun for Zac Diles–he would be freed from playing the standard run-stopping role of the SLB and would be allowed to use his speed and ability more freely. Plus, you are simplifying the game for a young guy learning a new position because you are giving him specific assignments–rotate up and blitz, rotate up and cover the TE (but blitz if he tries to block you), rotate back and cover the TE/RB, rotate back and blitz. Simple, straightforward.  You could also sub in Chaun Thompson in pure passing downs if you thought he was a better blitzer than Diles because teams would then assume he was coming, even when he wasn’t.

I’ve mentioned the Giants a few times through this thing as a more apt comparison for us and a better model to build from. This is because the Eagles have one piece that we do not have–Brian Dawkins.  Dawkins role in the Philly system is manifold: he is an additional linebacker, he plans man-up on WRs, he blitzes, and he patrols the deep middle. We don’t have a player that can do that unless and until Dunta comes back as a FS.  (Which would be amazingly perfect for this system.) The Giants don’t have the dominating safety, nor do they really have an impressive secondary, but they run a version of this same Philly defense up front (Steve Spagnolo is from the Philly organization) and they won the Super Bowl with it! All without a great secondary.  Sound familiar?

The important thing is, if you lack the physical presence of a Brian Dawkins, you have to have a safety back there who is smart enough to make the right reads for the coverage. For the Super Bowl Champion Giants, it was Gibril Wilson. For us, it could just as easily be Will Demps, who might not be Dawkins but is a smart, instinctive safety nonetheless.  In fact, to paraphrase my buddy Rendhel, the Giants have not had a great secondary in years, but they always have a good defense because they understand the value of pressuring the QB.  When they got Spagnolo and the Philly system, they took this appreciation of pressure to a new level.

Right now, we don’t have a very good secondary, but we seem to also lack the proper appreciation for just how much QB pressure can improve the coverage. Jacques Reeves is blindingly fast, meaning he could come on corner blitzes. But he could also stay with anyone in the league for two or three seconds. It’s when you start asking him to cover longer that he becomes a liability. Fred Bennett is an instinctive young player and will probably become pretty good, but he has still shown that he can be beat if you ask him to cover too long–why not remove that liability more often than not?

I could go on and on, but the point is that we have the personnel to do this and we have first-hand evidence that this kind of defense turns an otherwise non-spectacular team into a playoff team and a real contender. Unfortunately, we also have a defensive coordinator who wouldn’t blitz at all until around Halloween and then backed of his blitzing any time it stumbled a bit. That is the absolute worst attitude a d-coordinator can have.  Now, maybe the presence of Ray Rhodes (phormer Philly coach!) will give Smith the testicular fortitude to at least be more aggressive. I can dream, I guess. Because, until we get a new coordinator or our coordinator gets a new outlook, this post is nothing but navel gazing to a disgusting degree.

Like always, though, just because they won’t do it, doesn’t mean I am wrong.

Bentleysutra

May 7, 2008 Bitchephant, Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Kevin Bentley, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Rendhel and Sid, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Will Demps: Man…this is some shit. How the fuck is Will Demps supposed to win this competition? Will Demps has to think of something.

(thinks of himself, naked on a bearskin rug, making love to a woman who looks like him)

No, no…Will Demps has to think of something different.

(thinks of himself masturbating to the thought of himself masturbating)

Goddamnit. There has to be a way. How can Will Demps get some sweet Rhonda Kubiak nappy and win this bet? Will Demps HAS to win…if only there was, like, a god or something that could just make her fall in love with Will Demps.

(thunder)

(lightning)

(suspicious-smelling smoke)

(peacock scream)

(porn music)

Demps: What in the motherfuck is THAT?!

Kama, Hindu God of Desire: Hello, there, young William.

Demps: The fuck?!

Kama: Young squire, I am Kama, the Hindu god of desire. I am here to help you win this bet.

Demps: Yo, dawg…your skin is, like, green and shit.

Kama: Yes, but that is not important. For, you see–

Demps: And, hold up…that’s not an elephant; that’s a buncha hoes crammed together to LOOK like an elephant!! How in the sweet fuck did you do THAT?!

Kama: My appearance is not important, William. What is important is that I can help you win this bet of which you speak. I am the god of desire and, when I shoot my arrows, I can make people fall in love.

Demps: Like cupid?

Kama: No, not like cupid! Cupid is a faggy little cherub who ripped off my game! Does cupid have a Bitchephant like I do? Does cupid get down with, like, 100 hoes a day? DOES CUPID HAVE A SEX BOOK DERIVED FROM HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME?!?!

(takes deep breath)

I apologize, William. I should not yell. That is just a rather sensitive subject. I blame Hallmark. ANYWAY…as I was saying, I can help you. All I need is some information and the bet will be yours. Now, who is the target?

Demps: Rhonda Kubiak.

Kama: Easy enough. Hell, getting a 40-year-old white woman with a workaholic husband to fall for you will hardly require any effort at all.  I think I shall use one of my weaker arrows, as there is no need to expend a great deal of energy completing such a menial task as this.  Say, who are you competing with in this wager of love?

Demps: Kevin.

Kama: Kevin? You mean Kevin Bentley?! Oh, shit, dude…even I can’t compete with that pretty motherfucker. Have you SEEN the dick on him?!? Praise Ganesh!

Demps: Hold up, man! Will Demps can compete! Will Demps just need a little help…

Kama: Fuck that…you’re on your own. Let’s go, Bitchephant!

(disappears to the sounds of Barry White)

Dahling, with the first pick the Texans will take…

Apr 11, 2008 2008 Draft, Amobi Okoye is 20, Boobies, Dancing With the 'Tards, Little Dickie Justice, Pancakes McTard, Please let the season start soon, Secondary issues are primary, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

On TexansTV (under Special Segments), Pancakes (in his best Howard Morris voice) predicts the Texans will take Aqib Talib.

Here’s hoping that Pancakes, as always, is wrong. Again.

Now, I’m not saying that the Texans don’t have a need at CB – oh no, far from it – so give Pancakes credit for actually picking a position of need (I think we know that Little Dickie Justice would be pushing to trade all our picks for *longing sigh* Vincy-pooh). Talib has considerable character issues, which, as the article states, has caused many teams to drop him off their boards completely. Last year, we did draft ManChild even after he admitted wearing green sweaters, but Talib has had a tough time staying out of trouble.

Then, when you consider his tendency to be downright toastable in pass coverage, we have a combination that can be beat with our first round pick. I just can’t see the Texans taking Talib here, though it’s not impossible, but I hope we go in a different direction.

_____________________

I don’t have time for a separate post, but guess which Texans’ ladies man extraordinaire will be a judge at the Texans’ cheerleaders competition? Could they have possibly chosen anybody better than Will Demps? Check out the TexansTV link above under Football.

The interview is so banal all the way until he’s asked about the judging, and then he’s more flustered than…well, than I would be around a bunch of scantily clad hotties jumping up and down and up and down and up and down in front of me. As DiehardChris, who sent the link, mentioned: you can see his face light up. You can see Demps trying to figure out how to bed them all.

Indecent Proposal

Mar 28, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Tempting Fate, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Houston Texans lockerroom, 9:35 pm

Will Demps: (singing to himself) It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl / Christmas…dick in a box / Hannukah…dick in a box / Kwanzaa…dick in a box / Every single holiday, a dick in a box / Over at your parents house, a dick in a box / Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in a box…

Kevin Bentley: Hello, William.

Demps: Whoa! Will Demps didn’t see you there! Why are you sitting in here with no music on? (turns Justin Timberlake CD on) I’m bringin’ sexy back…

Bentley: I was conjugating irregular Latin verbs from memory, William.

Demps: Conju-what?

Bentley: You know, “sum, erum, ero…” You have no idea what I am talking about do you?

Demps: Will Demps caught his reflection in the mirror and totally stopped listening to you.

Bentley: Anyway, William, much like our last encounter, it is fortuitous that I have again encountered you.

Demps: Speak English, motherfucker. Will Demps doesn’t speak uppity college jibber-jabber.

Bentley: (sighing) Cretin. Like I was saying, it’s good that you are here. Let me preface this by asking a question–you consider yourself quite the ladies’ man, don’t you?

Demps: Does a bear shit in the woods? Will Demps has been in more bush than Crocodile Dundee. Will Demps has plowed more fur fields than John Deere. Will Demps has bon–

Bentley: Christ, I get it! OK, that said, I think you realize that there can be only one, William.

Demps: What kind of Highlander shit are you talking about?

Bentley: This lockerroom–nay, this TOWN–is not big enough for both of us. There are only so many fine young females to go around, you know. So I have come up with a solution…if you have the courage for it.

Demps: Motherfucker, Will Demps has all the courage in the world. Will Demps once let a hungry fat girl go down on him; you have any idea what kind of courage THAT takes?!?

Bentley: Glad to hear it. Here’s the deal–a Contest of Sexual Conquest. Except, rather than sheer numbers, there is only one lady who matters. Bed this prize and you win; I’ll ask to be released so that I can go finish the Great American Novel. But, if I win, you must leave Houston and never return.

Demps: Shiiiiiiiit, holmes. Will Demps has never met some red snapper he couldn’t filet with a quickness.

Bentley: Is that a yes? I rarely have any clue as to what you are saying.

Demps: Fuck yes, it’s a yes. Wait…who’s the Golden Vag?

Bentley: Rhonda.

Demps: Rhonda? Rhonda who, Will Demps don’t kno–WAIT! You mean Rhonda KUBIAK?!?!

Bentley: Indeed, young William. Indeed. You see, I have found that the only prizes worth chasing are the ones that require the most risk. Much like how, once a man has killed another man, mere hunting of dumb animals never satisfies his blood lust again.

Demps: (looking confused)

Bentley: (exasperated) Yes. Rhonda Kubiak. Bed her and you win.

Demps: Will Demps is not so sure this is a great idea…but Will Demps loves him a challenge. Let’s do this. May the best man win.

Bentley: Oh, I shall, William. I shall.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty.

Mar 8, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?, You're the Man Now Dog

Will Demps singing to himself) …don’t you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me…don’tchu dont’chu?…

(cell phone rings) Hello?

Will Demps’ Agent: Will?!

Demps: Yeah, whassup dawg?

Agent: I can’t hear you! Can you turn down the radio?

Demps: WHAT?!

Agent: TURN! DOWN! THE! RADIO!

Demps: Oh, ok. Hold on. (turns down radio) What’s up, man? You got Will Demps signed anywhere?

Agent: Well…sorta.

Demps: What the hell do “sorta” mean? Am I signed or not? Will Demps needs to start working the print advertisers in my new city.

Agent: Well…it…um…seems…that, well, the only people who wanted to sign you for much of anything were the Texans. No one was really interested in a guy who had three-fourths of a good season.

Demps: Oh, that is SO gay!

Agent: (mumbling) You’d know.

Demps: What?

Agent: Nothing. Anyway…there’s something else I need to tell you.

Demps: Whazzat?

Agent: Well, it seems that the Texans also signed Kevin Bentley.

Demps: What the fuck is a Kevin Bentley? Is that a car? Will Demps loves him a fine automobile.

Agent: No, it’s another player.

Demps: What the fuck does Will Demps care about another player. Will Demps only cares about his pretty, pretty self.

Agent: Well…uh…it’s just that Bentley is sort of–

Demps: Will Demps does not have time for this idle chit-chat! (hangs up phone)

[Five hours later, at Zeppelin]

Demps: (entering the club) Will Demps in the HOUSE, ladies! Whassup?! Will Demps, bitches! Will Demps! Who wants to buy Will Demps a drink?!

(gets no response from the ladies) What the fuck? Bitches, I said ‘Will Demps!’ (to random girl) Hey, baby…as sexy as you is, you wanna get down with some Will Demps?

Random Girl: Puh-lease. You know who is here? Kevin Bentley. You ain’t no motherfuckin’ Kevin Bentley, either. Busted ass motherfucker. (walks toward back of club where a throng of women surround Kevin Bentley.)

Bentley: …so, yes, football is my job but Bikram yoga is my passion. (lifting shirt) I think you ladies will agree that it has done wonders for my abs.

(collective swoon by the ladies)

Demps: (shoving to the front of the crowd) Yo, yo, yo…what the FUCK is this? Who the FUCK are you? Oh, damn…nice abs, brotha. (offers handshake) Will Demps, strong safety for the Houston Texans. But you probably already knew that.

Bentley: Actually, I was utterly unaware as to your identity. This is fortuitous, however, as it appears you and I are now colleagues. My name is Kevin Bentley and I, too, am employed by the NFL team located here in the Bayou City.

Demps: Please, Will Demps has no “colleagues.” Will Demps is in a class by himself. Will Demps not only plays football; Will Demps is also a high-sought-after male model. (whips out 8×10 glossy)

Will Demps is a beautiful, beautiful man. Here, let Will Demps autograph this for you.

Bentley: That’s not necessary, my good man. I am also a male model. In fact, during my tenure both at my beloved Northwestern University as well as throughout my NFL career, I have done several print ads. I am told that my combination of good looks, fantastic physique, and high intelligence make me one of the more desirable models in professional sports. Perhaps you saw this picture of me from a few years ago?

Demps: No, Will Demps did not see that picture. Well, let Will Demps tell you something, Kevin. Will Demps is the man in Houston and the man in the lockerroom. You best stay out of my–I mean, out of Will Demps’–way. If you know what’s good for you, that is. You don’t want to have to go up against Will Demps.

Bentley: I’m sorry to hear you say such things, William. You see, I hear words like “beauty” and “handsomness” and “incredibly chiseled features” and for me that’s like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of. I like to let my body of work speak for me, but not define who I am. (bats eyelashes at ladies) I feel like this enlightenment makes me a much better person…and a much better lover.

Demps: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Yeah, well Will Demps believes this fifteen inches of black, throbbing Jesus makes Will Demps a better lover.

Bentley: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Interesting. But I think you ladies will find my seventeen inches of spiritual awakening even more impressive. (to Demps) It seems, dear William, that the irony of this is that your own ego forced you into a competition that you cannot win–which is to say, your own ego has caused itself to be hurt by the very things that drive your ego in the first place.

Demps: (in tears) GodDAMNit, this isn’t fair! It’s not fair! I am the pretty one! This isn’t over…you…big…meany-head!!! (runs away)

Bentley: What an odd fellow. (to ladies) So, which one of you fine Texas hoes wants to get on your knees and kiss President Lyndon Veins Johnson?

Mr. and Mrs. Glass

Feb 20, 2008 Faggination, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Johnny Fisterbottom, Pro Bowl 2008, Too far?, Tremendous Busts, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

February 15, 2008. Manvel, TX. 10:30PM.

Jerome Mathis: (in car, to himself) Damn. DAMN! I have completely fucked up. Fuck. She is going to be pissed, too. Why the fuck did I let the dogs get out? After the year I had…man…I’m fucked.

(pulls into driveway, goes into house) Erica! Erica?! You here?

Erica Smith: (from upstairs) Yeah, I’m upstairs. Hold on. I’ll be down in a minute.

Mathis: (to self) Fuuuuuck. OK, Jerome. Hold it together. You’re a Pro Bowler; you’ll get a job somewhere. And she loves you for you…y’all having a baby together and shit. OK, here she comes. Stay calm. Don’t get defensive… (to Smith) Hey, baby! How was your day?!

Smith: Motherfucker, how do you think my day was?! I am fucking pregnant. I threw up this morning, then I was tired, then my feet started hurting, then I threw up again, then I had to nap for a while. That’s how MY day was. But that’s not what concerns me right now. What concerns me is whether you talked to McNair about what we talked about last night.

Mathis: Yeah, I did.

Smith: And?!?

Mathis: He said the team wasn’t entirely sure if they were going to bring me back. He said the pit bull incidents really having him questioning whether I have the right kind of character to be a Houston Texan.

Smith: You ignorant motherfucker! I told your stupid ass to chain those dogs up! Did you listen?! Fuck, no, you didn’t listen. You just let those mutts go out and maul some people. Brilliant. Asshole. Did you at least mention that you were a Pro Bowler not that long ago?

Mathis: Yo, you need to ease up off me a little bit. I thought I told you I wasn’t going to put up with that kind of tone anymore.

Smith: Fuck you, jack. Who the fuck do you think you are? Motherfuckin’ Ron O’Neal or somethin’? Talkin’ ’bout I better not talk to you like that.

Mathis: Look, bitch, seriously…I’m not going to put up with much more of this lip.

Smith: Whatchu gonna do, then? You ain’t gonna hit a pregnant woman. Besides…remember what happened last time you tried to pick a fight with me. You want your ass kicked again?

Mathis: Bitch, I told you I had a sinus infection. And I was kinda drunk. You can’t take me in a fair fight and you know it!  I’m in the NFL, goddamnit.

Smith: Yeah…that “F” stands for “Fragile As A Motherfucker.”

Mathis: I am leaving before you make me break my foot off in your ass.  (turns to leave, pauses, turns back) Hey, where the hell is my phone charger?  I need it–my Blackberry is dead.

Smith: Just like your career, apparently.

Mathis: Shut up. Just go get my charger. (shoves Smith)

Smith: Make me, bitch.

Mathis: That’s it.  It’s on now! (grabs Smith by the throat) Yeah! You like that?! You like…wait…what the fuck…LET GO OF MY NUTS!!! OW OW OW OW OW!!! FUUUUUCK!!!! (begins weeping)

Smith: Yeah! You think you’re bad?! You ain’t bad! You ain’t shit!! Get the fuck out of my house, bitch! (throws him out the front door, locks it behind him, heads back upstairs)

Will Demps: (from closet) Everything cool.

Smith: Yeah, baby. It’s cool. Come give mama some of the black throbbing Jesus before I call the police on his unemployed ass. I love me some Pro Bowler sex.

Merry Christmas from DGDB&D

Dec 25, 2007 Holiday posts, Inanity, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Happy Holidays, Joyous Kwanzaa, and Merry Festivus to each and every one of you.

Just remember, though, if you are in Houston and a man in a fur-trimmed red suit is saying “ho, ho, ho,” it might be Santa, but it could just as easily be Will Demps talking to his ladies.

Who’s the Boom King? Hah! I’m the Boom King!

Dec 19, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kris Brown's golden leg, Pro Bowl 2008, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007. 6:45PM EST.

Will Demps: (looking in mirror) Daaaaamn. I look goo-ooo-ood. (yelling into other room) Yo, Casper!

Kris Brown: What?

Demps: Come look at how fuckin’ perfect these eyebrows are. And these waves I got hooked up in my hair. Sheeeeit. You’d do good to take notes, Powder. Bitches love this shit.

Brown: I thought we were just going to Mario’s house for dinner.

Demps: We are, but you still gots to be prepared. You never know when you are going to get bum-rushed by some hoes who are demanding to see the 14 inches of throbbing black Jesus. And besides…I need to look good because I plan on admiring myself in the rearview mirror on the way over.

Twenty-five minutes later, in Will’s car

Car Radio: “…Cribbs and Special Teamer Kassim Osgood round out the AFC Roster.”

Brown: WOW! We are Pro Bowl alternates! That is fantastic!! And, golly, DeMeco is a starter?! This is great!!

Demps: (turns off radio, grips steering wheel tightly) Oh, HELL no! This ain’t “great,” gabacho. This is some BULLSHIT! How the fuck they gonna leave Smoove Will off the motherfuckin’ roster?!

Brown: Well, I mean, you weren’t even on our roster in week one.

Demps: The fuck does that matter?! This thing ain’t nothin’ but a popularity contest. And who is more popular than Smoove Will D? WHO?! Bob Sanders? Cracker, please! Bob Sanders is a little midget and I guarantee he didn’t get 15,000 hits to his website last week. Ed Reed? Man, fuck him. He ever had Beyonce ask him to be in a video? Hell to da naw, dawg!

Brown: That’s not really what they are voting on. It’s abo–

Demps: Well it should be! They want to increase exposure, right? Appeal to more demographics? Then put Will in the game, baby! Every woman in America will be watching. It ain’t like Troy Polamalu has women text-messaging him, asking to let them bounce quarters off his ass while they feed him grapes! Well, maybe some Samoan bitches, but that’s it. Will appeals to all women, including them big-ass Samoan hoes.

Brown: But Mario didn’t even make it, and he’s having a great year. If anyone should complain, it’s him.

Demps: That’s what I am saying, Miss Lilly! This ain’t nothing but a popularity contest, but somehow they forgot about Will! I mean, yeah, Mario has 13 sacks and shit like that, but he ain’t pretty. Will done brought sexy back so long ago that sexy is old school now.

Brown: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.

Demps: Let me break it down for you, real simple like. You know how every television news station has a token hot skank that does the weather?

Brown: Yeah…

Demps: Well that’s me.

Brown: You are a skanky weather girl?

Demps: No, you simple corn-fed motherfucker. I am the pretty piece of ass that would make the Pro Bowl worth watching, just like the skanky weather girl does for the 6 o’clock news. But the NFL and the powers-that-be refuse to put this fine mocha-colored Adonis to his highest, best use. And that’s a damn shame, Beaver Cleaver. A goddamned shame. There’s really only one thing I can do to get rid of this anger.

Brown: Drown in some stripper poon?

Demps: Word. Now you’re gettin’ it, Opie!

Hula Dancing 101 (3 credit hours) Instructor: Prof. Mario Williams.

Dec 14, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Awesomeness, Black Salaami, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players, Reggie Bush, Rosie Rosenfels, The Future, The Schaub Experiment, Undrafted Free Agent watch list, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

It wasn’t that long ago that Comcast cable decided to slip on the old sandpaper condom and bend me over by moving the NFL Network from basic cable to the “Sports Entertainment Package” and charging extra if I wanted to watch it. I have to say…that was the best extortion I’ve ever been victim to. In all honesty, following last night’s impressive win, I would have paid five times as much for the NFL Network. [Author's Note: If anyone at Comcast reads this and bumps the price up, I'll fucking blow your shit up. For real.]

Anyway, what you witnessed last night–from the pitch-perfect opening drive to the Mario Williams show–was the most complete and most dominant game your Houston Texans have ever played. Ohmygoditsbulletedlisttime!!!!

• Like you don’t know where I am going to start. Mario Williams–excuse me, SUPER Mario Williams–is a bad motherfucker. He’s like Shaft, but with a better 40 time. Who’s the defensive end/ that just sacked Cutler again?/ MARIO!/I can dig it. Seriously, though…wow. As one of roughly nine people in the world who liked the Mario pick from day one, watching last night’s game gave me a weird sense of satisfaction. 13 sacks on the season, our single-season and career sack leader (besting immortals Jeff Posey and Kailee Wong, respectively), and, by all accounts, a great guy and an emerging lockerroom leader? Fuck Reggie Bush.
• How great was that first drive to watch? The line held up well, Darius Walker ran just enough to make the play-action make sense, and Andre Johnson had his way with the Denver DBs. Seeing how much Andre’s mere presence changes this team, there are a whole lot of “what ifs” about this season that revolve around him not missing eight games. After all, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say his presence would have been worth at least one more win, possibly two. Atlanta? Tennessee? Indy? How much different is this year if he’d stayed healthy Kubiak hadn’t allowed him to get hurt?
• Morlon Greenwood continues to be the most underrated player on this defense. 12 tackles, solid in both pass and run defense, and a couple big hits. I don’t know about you, but I will take that out of my Will every single Sunday. Or Thursday.
• Two dropped INTs aside, this patchwork secondary continues to play miles above their heads. That play Jamar Fletcher made in the endzone was as good a recovery as you’ll see. Fred continues to develop nicely. Smoove Will might have butter fingers, but he is hitting people like they are standing between him and sweet virgin ass. Girl ass, even. Getting Petey out of there and getting the defense to blitz (more on that in a second) has made all the difference in the world for this unit. When (if?) Dunta comes back healthy, he and Bennett should be a better one-two punch than we’ve ever had. Or, if we really want to give me a raging boner, we could sign Nnamdi Asomugha and let Dunta play free safety, where he could hit people and go after the ball without worrying that the surgically repaired leg was going to hamper him in one-on-one coverage. Just sayin’.
• If you are Rick Smith, don’t you HAVE to sign Andre’ Davis to a multi-year deal with some guaranteed money and just tell Jerome Mathis not to let the door hit him on the way out (lest it break his fragile spine)? Davis was fantastic in the receiving game when Johnson was out and he’s become a kick return ninja of late. Why not ink him?
• Mario Williams. Just wanted to mention him again.
• ND Kalu…nice to see you again!
• Whether or not you are on the Sell Sage bandwagon, you have to admit that he did nothing at all to hurt his value last night. He even offered the slowest bootleg TD run in history and capped it off with a Special Olympics bronze-winning dive.
• I have no idea how he did it, but Ephraim Salaam managed to make Elvis Dumervil a non-factor last night. If you’d given me 100-1 odds that Salaam would pull that off, I still wouldn’t have touched it. That was beyond surprising.
• Early in the second quarter, a friend of mine in NY turned on the game and, almost immediately, sent me a text saying “was that a Texans blitz?!” You bet your ass it was. Over the last two weeks, this defense has worked straight linebacker blitzes (especially using Charlie Anderson off the edge) and zone blitzes with Anthony Weaver and/or Anthony Maddox dropping into coverage to fill the holes. Now, I ain’t sayin’ that the powers-that-be read my little truck stop/strip joint on the information superhighway, but I am pretty sure I’ve seen this before. Now…how is it that it took them 13 weeks to figure this out?
• As with any game, win or lose, there were some things that still need to be fixed. First, Jacoby Jones–seriously, what the fuck? How can he be Dante Hall in the preseason and Dante Hicks in the regular season? Second, can someone PLEASE explain to me why Vonta Leach is getting so many looks in the passing game? General rule: Your run blocking FB getting a one-yard TD run? Acceptable. Your run blocking FB getting a 23-yard pass thrown his way on a skinny post route? No gracias, amigo.
• It feels weird to be this far into a recap without having mentioned DeMeco Ryans. Playing on a bum wheel, he notched six tackles and was a half-step short of getting a sack. Meaning he is better with a bad ankle than a lot of linebackers are at 100% health.
• Finally, kudos to Darius Walker and Ron Dayne on a very productive night running the ball. 24 carries for 143 yards and a TD is something we’ll take from the running game every single week. I am right at the point where I feel like we should keep the Dayne Trayne around next year as our RB2. Preferably behind Michael Turner or Felix Jones.

So, that’s that. 7-7 with two potentially brutal games upcoming. It could be better. It could be a lot worse. Fuck it…bring on the Colts.

Rumpleforeskin

Dec 11, 2007 Boobies, Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Johnny Fisterbottom, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Junior High Principal: If everyone could please take your seats and settle down, we’ll get started. As you know, this…um…sex education lecture is normally given by Coach Wright. However, due to certain ongoing legal proceedings, we didn’t feel that would be in the best interest of the school this year. So, we decided to bring in a local celebrity to talk to you about…um…sex today. So please give your full attention to Mr. Will Demps of the Houston Texans.

Will Demps: Hello, little school children. Principal Whitey–

Principal: That’s “Whitley.”

Demps: –asked me here today to talk to you young men about sex and peer pressure. Now, I asked myself, “what do I wish someone had told me when I was in seventh grade?” Then I remembered that I actually lost my virginity in fifth grade–that’s the type of thing that happens when you are a natural-born athlete with 14″ of throbbing, brown Jesus in your jockstrap. (adjusts junk) Tell ya what… how about I just answer some of your questions about sex and we can go from there? Let’s see. You, the skinny cracker in the back. What’s your question?

John: Well…um…I was…well…could you kind of…uh…explain a woman’s anatomy?

Demps: Seriously? Y’all don’t know?

(lots of head shaking and nervous glances around classroom)

Demps: DAMN! Ok, no problem, young devil. First, you know, you have them big ol’ tit-tays up top, right? That’s like the previews at the movies. You don’t actually do anything with those, because there is nothing in it for you, but they are kinda fun to play with and look at for a few minutes. Plus, if you have a big girl, you can use those things as a flotation device should your boat capsize.

Down below, you’ve got the vagina. This is made up of, um, the meat curtains and, uh, the love button and some other parts that scientists don’t totally understand. This is where the magic happens, though. Next question?

Steve: Yeah, my older brother says that you can get AIDS from oral sex. Is this true?

Demps: No, you cannot get AIDS from getting head because that ain’t how it works. I mean, they calling it “getting” but you are the only one giving anything away in the transaction.

Steve: But what about from giving oral sex to a girl?

Demps: Only lesbians do that. True playas don’t snack on fuzzy tacos, Whitebread. Next question.

Brian: Um, I was with my girlfriend the other night and, well, it…I mean…I couldn’t get it up. Is there something wrong with me?

Demps: Look, I’ve sexed with pretty much every beautiful woman between New Jersey and Houston and never once did my Fallopian Fiddler have trouble playin’ his tune, knowatImsayin? So, yeah, if you couldn’t get your little Escalante to Stand And Deliver, then there must be something wrong with you. Now, I’m no doctor, but I would say you either have a venereal disease or you caught the gay. Or you are dating a fat chick. Next?

Jason: I have a date with a girl tonight and I don’t know what to do for fun. Any ideas?

Demps: Let’s see…I’d go with “do her in the butt.”

Eric: Mr. Demps, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to have sex, even though I am not sure if I am ready. I just think that maybe a man should wait unt–

Demps: Hold up, Honky Lips. That’s not pressure to have sex; that’s pressure to not be a big ol’ pussy. What do you mean, “not sure if you’re ready?” I seriously can’t believe I’m hearing this shit. “Not sure if I’m ready.” Man, you have got to be kidding. Would I be where I am today if I’d been a scared little bitch when my fifth grade teacher started feeling me up? Hell to da naw, dog.

Look, I’m about out of time here, so I am going to leave you with this advice: LIFE is about two things–getting someone to mouthify your wang and getting some funk on your hangdown. The rest is just gravy.

There’s a full moon rising on the Cuyahoga River

Nov 20, 2007 2007 Season, Ron Dayne likes pie, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Fred, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

One of the great things about last Sunday’s win (and, really, any win) is that it allows me to move on quickly to thinking about the next game instead of dwelling on all the ways I’d like to injure Richard Smith (i.e. with a tack hammer, throwing him in front of a train, etc.). So, it’s on to the City by the Lake. Or, if you are the negative type, that place where the fucking river caught on fire multiple times.

Two weeks into this season, I was contemplating hiring someone with large hands to fist Randy Lerner because it looked like that draft pick they traded to Dallas was going to be a top 5 pick and would net Dallas Darren McFadden. Thankfully, they have improved since then, negating my need for paid sexual assault. Somewhat.

Unfortunately, if you are a Texans fan, the Browns’ improvement has been significant. They are currently 6-4 thanks in large part to the play of Derek “Horse Balls” Anderson and a couple nice field goal bounces. Fortunately, if you are a Texans fan, they Browns record is due in no way to their defense, which could not stop a fat a Girl Scout from gaining 75 yards on 20 carries. (This is especially good news for Ron Dayne who is, in many ways, our own fat Girl Scout.)

Over at BRB, Mr. “Oh, yeah, I completely forgot that there were two bloggers,” Scott, offers up a detailed examination of the AFC Playoff picture and where the Texans fit within it. Basically, if we win our next two games–@ Cleveland and @ Tennessee–we will have a real shot at playing into January; if we don’t, we can probably start making reservations for whatever the hell people do in January. Simple.

So, what will it take to win this week? Well, as I noted above, Cleveland’s defense is about as potent as a mustard burp on a windy day in the stockyards. They rank 31st in the league against the pass and 28th against the run. Now, while we might not have much of a run game (inexplicable Ron Dayne performances notwithstanding), we can pass the hell out of the ball, ranking 7th with nearly 255 yards per game. And that was without AJ for most of the year. If Schaub doesn’t crack 300 this week, something went wrong. Thus, we should have little-to-no problem scoring. THUS, whether we win is going to come down–as it always seems to–to whether we can stop the Browns passing attack (10th in the league with almost 240/ypg).

If you’d asked me prior to the Saints game if we were going to beat any team that passed the ball well, I’d have kicked you in the junk for being a facetious asshole. Now, however, I can at least have hope.

For one thing, the secondary played very well last week and, in a bizarre turn of events, decided that they should attempt to intercept the ball. Always a welcome addition, that. They are not going to be mistaken for a Pro Bowl roster, but they seem to play well together and everyone seemingly has a role. The Fred gets to be the physical corner, bis the ball-hawking corner, C.C. gets to knock the shit out of people, and L.L. Smooth Will is the Indian Chief. In theory, that works.

In reality, however, that only works when you have adequate pressure on the QB. After the Saints game, we now have proof that, properly motivated, the defensive line can get some pressure on the opposing ball chucker by themselves. This week will give them a chance to prove that they can do it against an NFL-quality line, as Anderson has only been sacked 8 times this year. And, since we know that Richard Smith blitzes roughly as often as I post without swearing, the front four is going to have their work cut out for them.

Barring anything unforeseen, that is pretty much the long and short of the game: can our pass defense hold up enough to keep Cleveland from matching us score for score? I mean, after watching Mario and Co. superman Reggie Bush, I have little concern that Jamal Lewis is going to break 80 yards on us. On the flip side, I think the Dayne Trayne will rumble for just enough against Cleveland’s run “defense” to keep the Browns honest. All of which means that, as of this moment, our playoff hopes (or, stated more generally, our hopes for a winning season) rest on the shoulders of four guys who were either not starting in week 1 or who were starting at a different position.

Strangely–and perhaps this is a sign of how far this team has come–I am not near as worried as I probably should be.