DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Victory Weekend

Oct 12, 2008 2008 Season, Winner winner chicken dinner

Before the game, Shake and I exchanged a few text messages.  After the UT game yesterday, I was just sure the Texans were gonna win.  I called it “Victory Weekend.”

And so it is.

First thoughts from the game.

1. Teh Schaub is your starter.  Period.  Yes, he started out rusty, but he returned.

2. Mario is a man among children.

3. Was today a coming out party for Manchild in 2008?  And how about Tim “bfd lost a bet to Chris” Bulman?

4. Andre Johnson + Gibril Eugene Wilson = High highs and low lows (h/t The Gourds).

5. Duane Brown is still a little rough.

Edit: I <3 JJ.

That’s all for now.  Leave your thoughts here and drink a beer or 20 in celebration!

Edit #2: FUCK THE COWBOYS!!!

Edit #3: Text from SOLIS:

You want to know the funny thing?  My girl called the QB run the play before.  She said, “Why didn’t he just run it in?  He had the middle wide open.”  Hallelujah!

I was watching with my fam, and I said something to the effect that Schaub needed to pull his head out of his ass because there was nobody close to him and he needs to run.  Funny how that all worked.

An Open Letter to Bill Simmons, From My Giants-Fan Buddy, Rendhel

Feb 4, 2008 Anger, Cooper Manning gently weeps, Curious Coaching, Fuck the Cowboys, National Media, Open Letters, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tremendous Busts, Winner winner chicken dinner

How Dare You?

After a year of reading nothing but Patriots/Brady fellating from you, you have the audacity to write THAT as your post-Superbowl column? Where’s the mea culpa on Eli? Where’s the “sky is falling” commentary? Where’s the acknowledgment that the Giants literally beat the crap out of the Patriots?

Don’t write about how we got all the lucky bounces (false), how your offense just didn’t show up (only partially true), how the coaching staff didn’t call the game aggressively (untrue–how about going for it on 4th and 12? How about the fact that we shut you down on 3rd and short all game? How about the fact that you couldn’t block us?) Where’s the acknowledgment that we made Brady look not only human, but average? Where are the questions about why the perfect Tom Brady didn’t audible to max protect sets or 3 step drops once he realized they couldn’t contain our rush? Where’s the reminder to sports fans everywhere that October is NOT January (or February for that matter) and that there’s no substitute for playing tough hard nosed football in the playoffs? You used to know that. It’s how the Pats won their first three titles.

My Giants just punched Brady, Belichick and Rodney Harrison right in the face and reminded them that this is a man’s game. Take that fancy, all-throwing, non-physical ballet you called your offense and shove it up Beantown’s collective ass. The Patsies just joined the Karl Malone Lakers as the biggest poser teams to ever sell their souls for a championship and come up short. It’s the sports equivalent of cheating on your wife for the first time by renting a high-priced hooker only to find out that she’s got an 8-inch Johnson when you get her home. How’s it taste? The Giants are wicked awesome! Masshole.

“You know, Brian, for two Irishmen, we sure married up.”

Jan 5, 2008 2007 Season, Awesomeness, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity, Winner winner chicken dinner

*Alt-title: “That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special–when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”

At the risk of sounding really lame, every now and then, I realize just how awesome my wife is. I’ve mentioned before that, when pregnant, she snores like a bulldog on quaaludes, right? Well, aside from occasionally teasing her about this, I never say much about it. I definitely don’t complain, as pregnant hormones have been known to trigger homicidal rages. Today, however, with no prompting from me, she came home with BreatheRight nasal strips and is currently wearing one (and snoring noticeably less) as I type this. I have no idea what I did to deserve someone that thoughtful, so I am just going to chalk it up to sexual prowess.

And, with that, we now return to your regularly scheduled general stupidity, already in progress.

Last Week: 10-6

Regular Season Record: 156-91

Playoffs Week 1 Picks:

Washington @ Seattle. The whole “let’s win this for Sean” angle is the stuff Disney movies are made of (if Disney movies included home invasions, machetes, and black people). I am trying to think of some way that they roll into Seattle and win up there. Short of going Kimo Van Oelhoffen on Matt Hasselbeck, I just don’t see it. So, I guess Washington is just going to have to settle for pouring out a little Starbucks for their fallen homie. Also, apropos of nothing, Shawn Alexander is a huge pussy. Pick: Seattle

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh. I love that Willie Parker’s nickname is “Fast Willie.” In a world of professional athletes, how fast do you have to be to get that nickname? I like to think that he is to “fast” what Sam Adams is to “fat.” Or what Tony Romo is to “homosexual.” Of course, right now, calling him “fast” is like when they call fat guys “slim.” Or call Tony Romo “straight.” I think you see where I’m going with this. Pick: Jacksonville

New York Giants @ Tampa Bay. My friend Ren–a Giants fan–used to have this dream where Brandon Jacobs and Ron Dayne would be in the same backfield along with Jared Lorenzen. “The 800 lb. backfield” as he called it wouldn’t really serve a purpose, but was enough of a novelty to be worth wishing for. Didn’t happen. Then, more recently, he had this dream that the Giants would be god awful all year and he would finally be rid of Tom Coughlin. Didn’t happen. Currently, I am guessing that he would like to see the G-men blown out by 500 points in a last-ditch effort to get Coughlin fired. With his recent luck wishing for things, I wouldn’t bet on it. Pick: New York Giants

Tennessee @ San Diego. Good news, Titan fans! Vince might not play! Which means you actually have a chance to win this game! Exclamation points rule! Seriously, though…let’s not rush Vince back. I want him completely healthy for both Texans games next season. (Yes, I am bitter about them being in the playoffs.) Pick: San Diego

Losing is never fun, but here’s a little something to keep your spirits up. It’s real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.

Sep 16, 2007 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Athletes who don't stab people, Batman, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Secondary issues are primary, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment, Winner winner chicken dinner

If today’s performance was any indication, Amobi Okoye would like to invite Mike Florio to kiss his large, Nigerian butt. You see, back on August 22, Florio wrote at Pro Football Talk that Okoye was “another whiff by the Texans.” If Florio had the testicular fortitude to permalink his rumor mill entires, you could read the following at his site. Thankfully, BRB quoted him.

There’s already talk in league circles that defensive tackle Amobi Okoye, the No. 10 overall pick in the draft, could be a bust.

The 20-year-old rookie from Louisville received plenty of hype in the run up to the draft. But the opinion of some is that he is undersized and not strong. As one source said, he’s the “creation of a good P.R. campaign,” and “there’s no way he’s a first-round pick.”

Okoye already has been overshadowed in training camp and the preseason by Rams nose tackle Adam Carriker, the 13th overall selection. Carriker appears to be poised to make an instant impact at this level.

In our view, the biggest red flag regarding Okoye was raised when his college coach, Bobby Petrino, drafted defensive end Jamaal Anderson instead of Okoye. If Petrino, who had prior NFL experience, believed that Okoye could excel as a pro, Petrino surely would have taken the known commodity over the unknown quantity.

If Okoye falters, he’ll be the third first-round pick on the Texans defensive line that has underachieved, including defensive tackle Travis Johnson and defensive end Mario Williams.

In the first game of the season, Amobi notched only one tackle, but there was talk afterward about how he was already drawing double-teams. Today, Amobi showed up and fed Florio (and the Panthers) a Manchild-sized platter of “Shut the Hell Up.” 2 tackles, 2 sacks (for 23 yards), and forced fumble. In his second NFL game. Just for the sake of comparison, Will Smith of the “hey, look, they SUCK this year” Saints was in his second season before he notched a two-sack game, which remains his single-game high. Between Okoye’s production today and Mario Williams and Travis Johnson’s production last week, that single blurb from Pro Football Talk might go down as one of the dumber things he’s ever written. Which is saying a lot.

Moving on to happier, Panther-beatdown notes:

• There was a moment, just after Steve Smith had his filthy way with Petey Faggins for the second time in roughly 13 seconds–seriously, why the hell was Faggins “covering” him?–where I found myself doubting that we could play with the “good” teams. It was just a flicker, just a momentary lapse in confidence, but it was there. You see, these are the things that happen when you are more used to your team being the punchline. Unlike years past, however, there was still a part of me that thought we would be fine if we could punch it into the endzone on the next possession. Thank you Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson.
• Speaking of Amobi and Mario, et al, how about that defensive front seven, baby? Gus Johnson must’ve been sporting a semi with the way he was praising them in the second half. And with good reason. For the second game in a row, we kept the opposition under 100 yards rushing. The line notched 3 sacks. Jake Delhomme looked like he’d been taking happy feet lessons from Zoolander.
• The Schaub Experiment continues to be a success. In addition to his cold-hearted ninja drive for the first TD, he was just Fonzie all day. 20/28, 227 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INTs.
• I continue to worship at the high holy altar of Matt Turk’s golden foot.
• It’ll get mentioned to death in the next six days, but today’s win was our fourth straight going back to last season. Our first four game winning streak. Our first 2-0 start. The latest in the season we’ve ever been in first in our own division. These are not your older brother’s Texans.
• DeAngelo Williams and DeShaun Foster got DeStroyed by our DeFense. Yes, that was lame.
• Because we won, I am more than willing to admit that Steve Smith is friggin’ amazing. On that third TD, despite the fact that DeMeco should have wrapped him up better, he showed exactly why he is the greatest WR in the history of Utah football. Go Utes.
• If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Petey Faggins is awful. Yes, Steve Smith makes lots of corners look bad, but I can’t remember ever seeing one looked confused and scared on every single snap. Credit the coaches for putting Dunta Robinson on Smith after the second TD. And credit Dunta for snagging a sweet INT.
• Finally, how awesome was it that the first extended shot of Zoolander on the sidelines showed him touching his hair with a white glove on his throwing hand. It’s 80 degrees, you aren’t playing any time soon… LOSE THE GLOVE. Maybe stash it in the helmet that you also will not be using prior to the point where Panthers fans consider self-immolation.

I think it goes without saying (but I am going to say it anyway) that next week’s game against Indy is going to be off the proverbial chain. Both teams undefeated. No real love lost between the two teams. Reliant will be as loud as you’ve ever heard it. If anyone has tickets but will be, say, taking their kids to the Houston Zoo, please let me know.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor!

Sep 12, 2007 2007 Draft, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winner winner chicken dinner

Ah, week 2. Before you know it, Halloween will be here, the Browns will have been eliminated from playoff contention, and Trent Green will have a concussion. It’s all as regular as the tides. For now, however, in the final days of summer, the only thing you get are my half-assed game predictions.

Last week: 9-6
Season: 9-6

Week 2 Picks

Cincinnati @ Cleveland. Let’s see… the Browns gave up 34 points (including 4 passing TDs for Ben Roethlisberger) last week. And, last I checked, the Bengals had a much better passing attack than do the Steelers. Over/under on the number of heteroquestionable pictures we see of Brady Quinn this week? 21.5. Pick: Cincinnati

Indianapolis @ Tennessee. OK, so I was WAY off about the Titans’ ability to move the ball last week. I admit it. I still don’t know why the Jags didn’t stack the box and force Vince (11-18, 72 YDS, INT) to beat them with his arm, but whatever. This week, the Colts come to town armed with (a) two WRs that Tennessee won’t be able to stop and (b) a faster defense. Vince took a couple sacks last week, but he’ll taste Dwight Freeney’s this week. Pick: Indy

San Francisco @ St. Louis. For the last time… it was an end around that the Niners used against Arizona, not a friggin’ reverse. [/kicking Barbaro] Now that we have that out of the way, can I point out just how awful St. Louis looked last week? Sure, Jackson won’t fumble twice every week or get your fantasy team zero points (jerk), but losing Orlando Pace isn’t exactly going to improve the passing game. And this “revamped” St. Louis defense (186 rushing yds and 20 first downs allowed) isn’t likely to slow down Frank Gore. Pick: San Francisco

Green Bay @ New York Giants. As a general rule, if you are the type of person who would come into an occupied room and eat Gardettos without demonstrating the slightest concern for just how loudly you are chewing, I probably hate you. Just sayin’. Pick: Green Bay

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh. I’m still angry that so many random “power” rankings have us below Buffalo this week, so fuck them. Pick: Pittsburgh.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay. After last week, people were fleeing the Saints’ bandwagon like rats from a flooding French Quarter. (Too soon?) After this week, a lot of them will come back like hookers and bums to a rebuilt Bourbon St. This game presents a great chance for everyone’s favorite second-string RB to try and improve on his yards/carry and maybe, you know, get a rushing TD. Pick: Saints

HOUSTON JUGGERNAUT @ Carolina. OK, so I predicted this one as a loss in my 9-wins countdown, with the caveat that my prediction was subject to change if Zoolander started the game. Well, Sandy will continue clipboarding, but I am starting to think this game will be tightly contested. Consider: the current Vegas line is Carolina (-6.5). Assuming that all home teams give three points (a fairly safe figure), Sin City says that Carolina is just over a FG better than us on a neutral field. I suppose this sounds about right, but I am way too fucking drunk on the Kool-Aid to pick against us yet. Pick: Roll, Juggernaut!

Minnesota @ Detroit. Both of these teams are looking for their first win of the seas–. What? They are both 1-0? You’re bullshitting me. Seriously? Like, seriously seriously? How the hell… oh well, fuck it. Pick: Minnesota

Atlanta @ Jacksonville. Three things I would do if I had a time machine. (1) Get down with Audrey Hepburn circa 1960, (2) invent the Pet Rock a week before the other guy did it, and (3) change my prediction that Jacksonville would win 9 or 10 games. Still, if you get destroyed by Tavaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson, you probably won’t fare much better against David Garrard and MoJo Drew. Pick: Jacksonville

Dallas @ Miami. Dear The Fans of the Miami Dolphins, Eli Manning and Co. hung 35 points on the Cowgirls depleted secondary last week. If Trent Green does not get you at least 24, you should probably consider calling it a season. You always have jai alai to watch, though, so all is not lost. Sincerely, Matt. P.S. Feed the ball to Ronnie Brown. Please. Pick: Dallas

Seattle @ Arizona. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Matt Leinart is simply Scott Mitchell with a much better sex life. He also looks less adept at throwing on the run than Stephen Hawking would be. Pick: Seattle

Kansas City @ Chicago. If you live anywhere between Ohio and Colorado, odds are you are being subjected to this game. Not that our defense isn’t fairly good, but if Houston holds your all world RB to 43 yards, the Bears probably won’t struggle too much against your ground game. The only question in this game is if Lovie gets fed up with Ced Benson and (the other) Adrian Peterson enough to give Garrett Wolfe some reps. The only person who can lead the Chiefs to victory in this one is Rex Grossman. Pick: Chicago

Oakland @ Denver. Did you know Josh McCown was 30-40 passing last week? Wild. And the Raiders actually, like, scored points and stuff. They still lost–some things never change–but they were in the game until the fourth quarter. Of course, that was against Detroit. Denver, led by scramblin’ Jay Cutler will not be so accommodating. Also, as a public service announcement, I would just like to remind all Oakland fans traveling to this game to make sure your female companions are on birth control; Travis Henry can impregnate with a stare. Pick: Denver

New York Jets @ Baltimore. To quote my Ravens-fan friend Orlando: “Six turnovers, 7 passes thrown over the heads of receivers, robbed of a TD by a horrible call, another horrible call on an interception that bounced on the ground (and not within the control of the defender), 8 chances to score from the 5 yard line, and injuries to [Jon Ogden] and Ray-Ray…and still we had chances to win. There lies the agony of being a Raven’s fan, we are too good to fire Billick, but too bad to ever be comfortable with him at the helm.” That’s rough. Pick: New York

San Diego @ New England. Whoever first said “cheaters never win” is a motherfucking liar. Just ask the Pats. (Side note: Firefox recognizes the word “motherfucker” as being correctly spelled.) My question is, why does the list of possible punishments not include forfeiting the game in which they cheated? Taking away a 3rd round pick won’t do shit; making the current standing say “Patriots 0-1″ certainly would. While we are talking about cheaters getting caught, lets not forget Shawne Merriman. Oh, wait, this is football. We don’t care if someone used steroids. Pick: New England

Washington @ Philadelphia. I was going to write something insightful and witty here, but the twit who shares my office is whining into her phone because she’s a fucking moron. (And because someone said something kind of mean to her, likely because she’s a fucking moron.) I’m outta here. Pick: Washington

Schaub + Mario + AJ + DeMeco = 20

Sep 10, 2007 2007 Season, Athletes who don't stab people, Matt Turk rules, Reggie Bush, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, Winner winner chicken dinner

As soon as the game ended, I wrote a post about it. Which I promptly deleted, because it was too… um… overreaching. To say the least.

Look, I know it was only one game. I realize that it’s possible (though not probable) that we could go 0-15 the rest of the way, making yesterday’s game beyond meaningless. I even realize that–protestations of their fans aside–the Chiefs might be one of the two or three worst teams in football right now.

Even knowing all of that, I can’t help but be excited about the way the game turned out. I mean, when you

• haven’t won a season opener since 2003,
• hold Larry Johnson to less than 50 yards rushing,
• far exceed even your own fans confident expectations,
• allow your fans to actually HAVE confident expectations for the first time,
• see your “bust” of a draft pick have the kind of thoroughly dominant day that you have been hoping to see out of him for a year,
• see your other, older bust (Travis Johnson) get a freaking interception off a guy who had only one all of last season,
• set a franchise record for the longest clock-killing drive in team history to finish off the win,
• have your all-world WR set a new career long TD reception, and
• watch your new QB do everything right where your old QB would almost certainly have done everything wrong (deep passes, pocket poise, team leadership, etc.),

well then, yeah, your fans are going to be as excited as they’ve been since September 9, 2002.

Because it’s a Monday and I am slightly hungover, you’re getting the rest of this post in bullet point form, too.

• The All White Pants Party (or whatever they were calling it) looked pretty cool. It’s not something I’d want them to do more than once or twice a year, but it should definitely stay as part of the rotation. Also, in a nice dose of irony, people living in the other city where a football team occasionally wears all white did not get to see the Texans’ version of that uniform.
• Mario Williams. SUPER Mario Williams. Look at this line: 2 sacks, 5 tackles, 1 FR (38 yds), 1 TD. He was also in on (though did not get any credit for) Kalu’s sack near the end of the game. He is already halfway to last season’s sack total. He has more TDs this season than Reggie Bush. Putting him on the other side and running twists and stunts with him made Mario look like a monster. I am ready to up the projected sack total to 14. (Oh, speaking of Reggie Bush, everyone’s favorite Future Hall of Famer averaged 3.2 yards per carry, with a long of 9 this week. Awesome.)
• At some point over this training camp, Travis Johnson won me over. I didn’t realize it until he picked off that pass, but I was genuinely happy for the guy.
• You want to know why Matt Turk is a fantastic addition? Look no further than that 59 yard punt (5.0 second hang time!) from our own 17 just before halftime. Not to pile on the guy, since he’s apparently “hurt” and all, but there is no way in hell Chad Stanley pulls that off.
• The only bad news that came out of yesterday was that Jason Simmons is gone for the year with a torn patellar tendon. If we weren’t so thin at safety, I wouldn’t even bat an eye at this. Thankfully, Von Hutchins played well in his stead and we have Boulware waiting in the wings. This is not a unit that can lose any more bodies, but I think we’ll be fine with the current pieces. Besides, Hutchins is the one “safety” we have who has shown any kind of nose for the ball. He had his preseason pick and then followed that up with the forced fumble that Mario recovered. In a perfect world, he would play FS and C.C. Brown/Boulware would rotate at SS, but beggars and choosers and whatnot.
• I’m not going to lie–after seeing how Carolina destroyed St. Louis yesterday, I am a little scared about next week. Unless Zoolander plays.

20-3, fool. How you like THEM apples, Herm?

Ugoh? Keiaho? So?

Sep 6, 2007 Peyton Manning's lovelife, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winner winner chicken dinner

It dawned on me this morning that I hadn’t finished my countdown to nine wins. So, here they are–wins 8 and 9. Yes, I am totally mailing this one in.

For an explanation of what the heck I’m talking about, look here.

Win #8–Week 16 @ Indianapolis. Here’s the deal–I think all the talk of the Colts’ demise is greatly overblown. Yeah, they lost Tarik Glenn, but they have a talented (if not polished) rookie in Tony Ugoh to fill his shoes and–much more importantly–they have a great o-line coach and a QB who is fantastic at avoiding sacks (at least the football kind). On defense, they lost a few parts, but it’s not near enough to matter. Hell, they improved by getting rid of Cato June and letting Freddie Keiaho play.

And that is exactly why we will win. By week 16, the Colts should more or less have their playoff positioning set. Which means they will have no need to play their starters very much, if at all, especially on offense. We, on the other hand, should be scrapping for those last few wins to push us over .500. That’s a solid combination.

Win #9–Week 17 v. Jacksonville. I have zero explanation for our continued success against the Jags. It’s inexplicable. Yet, we keep winning against them. So, I’m just calling the two matchups a split this year because I am nearly certain we will win one of them. That’s how we roll.

28-16

Aug 26, 2007 Andre Johnson, Athletes who don't stab people, Dan The Assassin, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Owen Daniels is a big ol' Pimp, Preseason 2007, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, The Schaub Experiment, Winner winner chicken dinner

I’m not gonna lie. I was cheering and yelling at the television as if last night’s game really mattered. Considering I have no special feeling for the Governor’s Cup (I mean, he’s not even my governor), I can only chalk this up to some combination of seeing the team play well and hating the Cowboys.

And they did play well, especially the first team, in all three facets of the game.

OFFENSE
Matt Schaub is rapidly making his signing look like the smartest thing this organization has ever done. Which, I realize, is not saying much–kind of like calling him the prettiest girl at Flathead Valley Community College–but still. He is poised in the pocket. He can make all the throws from all the possible drop distances (as well as rolling to either side). He can avoid sacks with his feet. He gets rid of the ball in short order. And so on, and so forth. In short, he’s doing absolutely everything we could have hoped for. Plus, he has a totally awesome first name.

I was also thrilled with the WR play of Andre Johnson, Apostrophe Davis, and (of course) Jacoby Jones. AJ flashed speed and nice open field moves on one catch, then turned around and showed his amazing strength/size combination on the TD grab. Without jumping that route, I can think of only one or two CBs in all of football who might have stopped him on that slant. Apostrophe looks like he is completely fine with playing the role of slot guy/3rd WR, which is perfect for what he brings to the table. JJ has done absolutely everything and then some to win the role of WR2 (leaping TD grab/end around speed), PR (breakin’ off a little somethin’ somethin’ twice), and defender of the free world (he could totally catch bin Laden).

Batman looked great. Power runs, toss plays, that huge off-tackle gain… so this is what it’s like to have a real running back. Weird. I like it. The Dallas announcers can make all the Ahman-is-old jokes they want. When push came to shove, he run the ball right at them and–with the help of some good blocking–took them from first to fourth in average rushing yards allowed this preseason. I’m still calling 1100 yards and 8 TDs this year.

Speaking of the blocking, I thought the o-line looked very good in run blocking and above average to good in pass blocking. We knew Dallas was going to throw more bodies (and faster bodies) at us than we’d seen so far. The unit was able to pick up blitzers and/or slow them down enough to keep Matt Schaub upright for all but one play. In fact, that one sack wasn’t even on a blitz so much as it was a blown assignment where Burnett came free. Sure, you have to credit a lot of that to Schaub’s ability to avoid sacks and whatnot, but it was still a good performance all around. And it was nice to have Chester Pitts back.

Owen Daniels and Jeb Putzier played well, too. And that’s all I feel the need to write about TEs.

DEFENSE
Super Mario, baby. Sure, I am probably putting too much emphasis on this one game. I’ll even stipulate to that. But here’s the thing: I am only a fraction of the importance on this good performance as people were putting on his two previous games. If Chicago and Arizona were proof that Mario is a piece of shit bust who should probably just go play in traffic, last night’s game supports my notion that he is the greatest athlete ever to play any sport anywhere in the world. The truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle. Still, by my count (though I haven’t gone back over the tape closely) he had 3 tackles, 2 assisted tackles, a sack, and at least one hurry. More importantly, though, is that he did a lot of this from the LDE spot, which physically he is probably better suited for.

DeMeco and Dunta continued to shine. D-Rob was the third man to the clusterhump that missed TO on the touchdown, but he otherwise had the Dallas headcase on lockdown. DeMeco was in on 8 tackles. What else is new?

Other defensive notables included Jamar Fletcher, who had a nice defense of a quick pass to the slot man, Jason Babin, who had five tackles and a big sack (as opposed to ND Kalu’s 1 tackle and virtual anonymity), and Danny Clark, who should be the damned starter at SLB.

SPECIAL TEAMS
JJ. Punt return TD. Again, he flat ran past people like he was a created player in a video game. I am currently petitioning the wife to let me name the new child, boy or girl, Jacoby. She seems unreceptive.

Matt Turk averaged 39.7 on his three punts, pinning two inside the 20 with one of the boots going 51 yards. TEP hit one 32 yards, yet somehow managed to avoid today’s roster cuts.

Keeping up with The Jones.

Aug 19, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Jacoby Jones is unheralded, Preseason 2007, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, The Schaub Experiment, Winner winner chicken dinner

First off, I know that wins in the preseason mean about as much as to the outcome of the season as campaign promises do to the direction of a presidency. Still, given the choice between playing well and winning or playing well and losing, even in the preseason, that’s no choice at all.

Second, I feel sorry for the fans of the Arizona Cardinals. You have, hands down, the worst television announcing duo I have ever heard. They talked so highly of everything Arizona did, you would think the Cards were coming off a Super Bowl threepeat. They honestly seemed to believe that every position player for the Cardinals is Pro Bowl quality, and the play-by-play guy makes every tackle sound like it was Mike Jones against Kevin Dyson. Even worse, they whined about every call that went against the Cardinals, while ignoring that the Cardinals offensive line play seem centered around holding. Horrid. Even my wife, who couldn’t be less biased about any of this, remarked when the coverage switched to the Texans feed after halftime, “Did they change announcers? These guys don’t sound so retarded all of the sudden.”

As for the game itself…

• Matt Schaub looked fantastic. He completed his first six passes to five different guys, finishing 9/12 for 108. He showed an ability to roll to either side and deliver a ball. He stood tall in the pocket without getting happy feet and delivered a couple great throws–including the one to Owen Daniels down the middle on the long drive–and showed some good mobility on the naked bootleg TD. What was that people were saying about him being immobile?
• Jacoby Jones continued to be, for lack of a better word, amazing. He gained 10 on an end around on the long TD drive in the first and another 14 on an end around in the second. (Note: Not to go all Gregg Easterbrook on you, but both of these runs were end arounds and NOT reverses, as stated here.) He had 2 catches for 32 yards. Oh, and there was little 80 yard punt return TD, wherein he straight ran away from people who had good pursuit angles.
• Danny Clark showed why he has been bumped into a starting role when he stuffed the 4th down attempt by Arizona. Clark came in untouched, got a hold of the RB, and held on long enough to allow the line to snuff out the play. I continue to be more and more excited about the Clark-Ryans-Greenwood trio.
• Sage Rosenfels and Charlie Anderson were the best 2s of the week. I don’t think Anderson played well enough to get back into the starting threesome–nor do I hope he did–but he provides some really nice depth at that SAM position.
• If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times, but Petey Faggins is NOT GOOD. I know it’s hard to stop Anquan Boldin, but Faggins’ play made one wonder why the Cardinals did anything on offense other than throw to Boldin. He was also caught napping on the TD pass to James, as the throw went right to the spot he mysteriously vacated. I know Faggins is a crowd favorite, but c’mon… enough already.
• Dunta Robinson continues to knock the crap out of people this preseason. It’s always fun to watch a 180-pound DB level someone.
• According to the NFL Gamebook, Jason Babin played. Though you wouldn’t know it by watching the game or looking at the box score. Not really the best way to follow last week, Babs.
• Not to toot my own horn, but in last week’s state of the roster post, I threw out the line “though I suppose Charlie Adams could make some noise before it’s all said and done.” A 40-yard TD grab officially counts as some noise. And it pretty much guarantees that Bethel Johnson should update his resume.
• DeMeco Ryans was quietly solid as per usual. It’s really nice to have that sort of talent and consistency in the middle of the field on a weekly basis.
• Owen Daniels had 3 grabs for 45 yards and delivered as much damage as he received on the tackles. He is a underrated weapon and a fantasy football sleeper.
• Kris Brown is still banging them through. Though I wish he wasn’t getting so many from stalled red zone drives.
• You can color me surprised if Scott Jackson gets anymore lip service from Kubiak about “getting more reps with the 2s.” He nearly got Sage Rosenfels killed.
• This lack of a pass rush from the front four (one sack so far, courtesy for Th. Johnson) is going to kill us. I don’t want to opine on the reasons just yet, as I hope to go through the tape of the first team a little more closely, but it has reached “critical concern” status. The defense as a whole, actually, is underwhelming. We can’t seem to stop the short passes and the check downs, and the Cardinals showed that our secondary is highly flammable against big receivers.
• Two picks, regardless of the QBs throwing at the time, is still a nice development. Jason Simmons, however, is not a starting safety by any stretch of the imagination. VIVA VON HUTCHINS! (Sorry.)
• Mario Williams, ND Kalu, and the aforementioned Babin… we’re sure they dressed for the game, right?
• The Arizona broadcasters just said “DeMeco Ryans… I think he was the defensive rookie of the year.” Really?

Next week… the Governor’s Cup. Our starters are supposedly going to play into the third quarter. Cowboys jokes are encouraged in the comments.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips

Jul 25, 2007 Batman, Posts that list too many players, Preview, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment, Winner winner chicken dinner

What in the world??? Fear not… just read here for an explanation.

Win #6–Week 12 @ Cleveland.

During warmups for this game last season, Ron Dayne passed out after eating a whole tub of Crisco¹ and Jeb Putzier fractured his foot. Even worse, Zoolander went 9/15 for 86 yards and a red zone INT. Still, when the shooting stopped the Texans were on top 14-6. (Thanks, in part, to Anthony Maddox getting a sack, forced fumble, fumble recovery, and 47-yard TD all on the same play.)

So, what has happened in the days between Dec. 31, 2006, and right now? Dayne has been replaced by Batman. Carr has been replaced by Matt Schaub. The offensive line (save for Chester Pitts) is healthy.

In Cleveland, however, they drafted a whiny crotch grabber (who might hold out), then decided that they would stick (at least initially) with the QB who lost to Houston last year. Jamal Lewis takes the place of Reuben Droughns, which is what the guys in Vegas call a “push.” They did improve the O-line by drafting Thomas and getting Bentley back, but even the mid-90s Cowboys’ line couldn’t make Charlie Frye into an NFL QB.

Here’s how I see it playing out. Quinn will have gotten the nod about two weeks before this game. However, since he missed some of camp and because he is a complete ninny, he will still be somewhere near the bottom of his learning curve. Joe Thomas, as good as he might be, will struggle with Mario. Our running game will chug along, but probably not crack 100 yards. This won’t matter, though, because Schaub and Co. will pick on Eric Wright, et al, to the tune of 250 and 3 TDs. Good times.

¹ Or, if you want to believe the media, he aggravated an existing ankle injury. Either way, he didn’t play.

Brian Bosworth gets shell shocked watching Raider games

Jul 17, 2007 Bo Jackson was a Tecmo God, Preview, Shantee Orr, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winner winner chicken dinner

Confused? Don’t be. Look here for an explanation of what’s going on.

Win #5–Week 9 @ Oakland. Let me start by saying that the Raiders have a very, very good defense. Kirk Morrison and Thomas Howard are an amazing duo at LB and the secondary is highly underrated. (I also keep waiting for Anttaj Hawthorne to pan out, but that’s neither here nor there.)

So, why am I chalking this up as a win? Because a rookie QB + a ridiculously bad offensive line (it’s nice to be able to say that about someone) + a couple malcontents at WR = a recipe for dysfunction not often seen this side of Detroit.

Did you know that Robert Gallery allowed 10.5 sacks in 10 games last year? That’s awful. Like 2004 Texans awful. Of course, the bad news for the Raiders is that the rest of the line is nearly as bad. And that JaMarcus Russell isn’t exactly mobile. In fact, here’s a prediction for you: this game will be Shantee Orr’s best of the season, with him putting up at least 2.5 sacks. Yes, that’s right, I just made a Shantee Orr prediction… because that’s how I roll.

Anyway.

No, I am not just assuming that everyone will beat the Raiders this year. There is enough talent on that defense that I can see them winning 5-6 games with a couple lucky bounces.

Still, I think their deficiencies on offense play exactly to our strengths on defense. Plus, we play them at the end of a good stretch (from our perspective) of their schedule–two conference games @ San Diego and then home against KC followed by a (winning) game against Tennessee, where they will chase VY around for extended periods of time–so, we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

I don’t expect this to be a high scoring affair. Wait…you know what… it’s not even 6PM and I am almost drunk, so I’m going to take this even further. I’ll give you a score: Houston 17, Oakland 6. You should bet on that.

And, when you speak of me, speak well.