DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

I pray to the deity of your choice that I am wrong, but I really don’t think Dunta Robinson will play this season.

Shit.

Yeah, that’s right.  BFD came up with the idea for these posts and I claim-jumped the defense.  Because that’s how I roll.  And because I didn’t want to pull my hair out figuring out our best LT. Since BFD is already balding, that won’t be an issue for him.

BUT, since he was a trooper and started with WR2, I can’t totally take the easy way out and start with, say, DE.  So, let’s take a look at the FS position.  In case of nausea, there are airsickness bags in the seatback in front of you.

The candidates:

Matt Stevens
Marcus Coleman
C.C. Brown
Von Hutchins
Will Demps

Ugh.  Hold on for just a second.

*bangs head on desk repeatedly*

OK…so, it obviously can’t be Matt Stevens because he is on the short list of “Worst Texan ever.”  It can’t be Von Hutchins because he was always nothing more than a stop-gap CB-turned-FS.  And he was awful more often than not.  Coleman, likewise, was a corner in free safety clothing.  And Demps has yet to give us a full season (and, apparently, has manos de piedra).

Congrats, C.C.!  Just like Corey Bradford, you win by default! You’re like the prettiest girl in Oklahoma!

Preface: Probably the best baseball blog on the planet, USS Mariner, has been going through some awesome wankery as the team struggles to beat their own Rookie league team.

In that spirit, Matt and I - if we can keep our attention focused on this fucking project - are going to go through the Texans All-Time team.  Yes, this is off-season wankery.  So, you know, bite me.  Because I am the junior here, I get the offense.  Fuck.

First up is WR2.  I mean, it’s not a mystery who WR1 will be, so kicking off with this.

The candidates for WR2 are…well, what’s that word I’m looking for?…..

…………

…………

…………ah yes, the word is pathetic.  The problem is two-fold.  First, Zoolander sucked ass.  Second, Mr. Mittens was more interested in learning about hair-care products than he was banal things like, you know, the fucking playbook.  Finally, WRs have not been part of our growth strategy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing when you have a QB who can’t throw the ball five yards beyond the line of scrimmage.  So, the finalists are:

• Corey Bradford
• Jabar Gaffney
• Kevin Walter

Drum roll, please.  And the winner, somehow, is Corey Bradford.

Gaffney actually gained more yards than did Bradford, but Bradford has a huge advantage in TDs, 10 more than the next non-WR1 person.  Believe it or not, Bradford had 18 TDs receiving, which is depressing but not suicidal.

Congrats to Corey Bradford, the winner by default!  Next up?  Left tackle.

• WR2 - Corey Bradford
• LT - ?
• LG - ?
• C -?
• RG - ?
• RT -?
• TE - ?
• WR1 - ?
• FB - ?
• HB - ?
• QB - ?

(Inspired by this.)

Ted Thompson: Honey, there I am!  This is the part where I kick the extra point to tie the game!

Mrs. Thompson: Yes, dear, I know.  Instead of taking me to the beach or fancy restaurants for vacation, you watch old tapes of yourself playing football every year.  Doesn’t this look nice on me?  Dear?

TT: Sure, honey, you look great in black.  Stabler sure was on fire that game.  *phone buzzes*  What the fuck!  I thought I told people I am on vacation.  *looks at phone*  Oh, it’s a text message.  Honey, do you know how this works?

Mrs T.: *takes phone* Are you ever going to learn how to operate this thing?  *wife looks at text*

Hi mr naughty man u can join me im wet and naked now. i will lick and suck ur hard buddy while u sip my juice ohh honey im coming

Mrs T.: What is this!?!  Are you cheating on me!?!

TT: *takes phone* Oh fuck, it’s Brett Favre.

Mrs. T.: WHAT!?  You lying fuck, you’re cheating on me!

TT: Calm down.  It really is Favre.  That fucker is unretiring again.  What a fucking media whore.

text: wtf you asshole.  im on vacation, and now my wif thinks im cheating.  go fucking retire.

TT: There, that should do it.  CRAP!  I missed my kick!  Now I have to rewind the tape.  That fucker is trying to kill me.  Could you get me another beer?

Mrs. T.: You know, Teddy, that text message gave me some great id—*phone buzzes*—FUCK!

Favre text: “sry, my first booty text.  cmon, take me back.  you love me!”

TT: That motherfucker really wants to unretire.  We had to put up with John Madden’s incessant cock-slobbering the last couple of years, and this guy can’t even play anymore.

text: ur retired.  fuck off

TT: Dammit, I re-wound too far.  Where’s that beer?

Mrs. T.: You know, speaking of cock-slo..*phone buzzes*….damn you, and damn him.  I’ll be in the bedroom.  Don’t come in for at least 20 minutes.

TT: Of course not!  I still have overtime to watch!

Favre text: the panthers want me!  cmon, take me back.

TT: I hate this fucking guy.

TT text: u suk.  no they don’t.

Favre text: the texans want me!

TT text: ???

Favre text: cmon!  you know you love me!  ima gunsliger!

TT text: FOAD, you fucking drama queen.  and quit texting me.  *gets up and throws phone into the backyard pool*

TT: Now, finally, some peace and quiet.

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

No, not that way.  No, not that way, either, though I am flattered.  Definitely not that way.  I mean, not even for $20 or something.  Maybe for $50, though.

Anyway, Matt and I are going to start working on a full-fledged site redesign, and we want input from you, our dearest readers.  Keep in mind that we already assume you want:

1. More hard core nudity, especially Filipino tranny porn (h/t Lee), and
2. Us to fuck off.

For example, one of the things we’d like to implement is the “Reply to” feature as on Deadspin.  We figure it’ll make it easier for Stacy and Foomey to hurl insults at each other (though can you really get enough anal fisting jokes?  I thought not.).

So, let’s hear you loud and hear you proud:

Dear Matt and bfd, I would like to see __________ to help improve the website.

Your biggest fan,

You

Thank you for your assistance.

So, I have been spending some time lately doing some spring cleaning.  As a long-time pack rat, getting rid of my old sports magazines - which date back to 1977 - has been interesting.

Today, I ran across a cover with Tony Rice, RB, ND, on an old Sporting News.

And it got me thinking: who was my most embarassing man-crush?  IOW, who was it that I cheered for relentlessly when they turned out to be a total scrub?

Now, as a grown man, I’m not prone to man-crush-itis, so childhood fave and accomplished wife beater Cesar Cedeno doesn’t count.

Sadly, some of you rooted for Zoolander Jackson like that.  No, I never really did cuz I never thought he was worth a shit and was a horrible pick from the start.

Here’s mine: Michael “Puppy Master” Vick.  Yes, it’s true.  I thought he was all that and a bag of extra crunchy Cheetos where all the Cheetos look like Abraham Lincoln.  I loves athletic QBs in the Randall Cunningham mode, and I thought for sure even *he* would be able to pick up enough of the offensive playbook to destroy opposing defenses.  Alas, he sucked.  Badly.

So, as we hear about Matt’s adventures with beer, who was your embarassing man-crush?

Apparently, Kim Kardashian thought it would be funny to tell the press she was pregnant with Reggie Bush’s kid.  (Note to female readers:  This is never, ever, EVER even slightly funny.)

As for the sparkling ring she was wearing, Kardashian told PEOPLE Magazine, “I’m about two months pregnant right now and we’re getting married on August 8th of 2008.”

Bush reportedly appeared shocked until Kim added, “Its a joke.”

If the media involved believed this even for a second, I can only assume they were all E! News reporters and shit like that; any football writer worth his salt would know Bush can’t hit the hole with enough authority to get anyone pregnant.

I realize how quiet it’s been around here of late.  That should all change with OTAs kicking off next week.  As for me, I have a BBQ competition this weekend, so I don’t foresee much in the way of posting until Sunday afternoon at the earliest.  But we should be back to full-strength as of Monday morning.  Until then, I suggest all of you look at porn.

I’ve had a bit of a cold over the past couple of days, and it’s been a bear to sleep.  Top it off with a huge line of storms that hit at about 5:30, and I’m running on little sleep.

So, in that time, I’ve been thinking about Duane Brown, football, and sweaty men in tight pants in general.  After looking at the other comments, I think a lot of us having been thinking about large men with big, manly hands…and have come to fairly similar conclusions.  Here’s my take:

I woke up next to Duane this morning, and I didn’t have a case of coyote ugly.  I looked over at Duane and thought to myself, “You know, he ain’t bad.  He’s not a cheerleader, he’s not the hottie drill team chick….he’s kinda like the homely looking Debate Club girl, not at all as in Not Another Teen Movie, though.”

Now, we had a good time, but I’m not quite ready to meet his parents yet.  Frankly, he’s going to have to work on a few things to win me over completely, such as creating holes, getting to attack points, getting stronger, and washing windows - you know, the usual stuff.

Now, the last time Alex Gibbs set somebody up in the first round with a LT, it was George Foster.  Foster was also a “terrific athlete” who was supposed to be all that and a bag of Cheetos.  Sure, we can’t control the fact that he ate all that, the bag of Cheetos, and the bag, but it still turned out to be a bust of a pick.  Alex seems to be a bit better at the whole “My Fair Lady” thing, taking lumps of clay and molding them into gold.  Matt Lepsis, who was signed as an UDFA by the Broncos, is a perfect example.

We did get 3rd and 6th round picks to make up for trading back.  And, heck, I would be elated to take Jamaal-American Charles with one of 3rd rounders to bring in for the occasional menage-a-trois to spice up the marriage a bit.

One additional comment: Somebody mentioned (too lazy to look, sorry!) that this was like 2006 all over again.  I respectfully disagree.  I think there was consensus that we wanted a LT, just not one so damn early, especially considering we passed on Rashard Mendenhall, a bunch of DEs, and other schwag on the way through.

Don’t worry, Duane: I’ll call you in the morning.  I know some people - and they apparent already really like you, as well - that can fix you up to make me proud to be in a long-term relationship with you.  It’s a little more maintenance than I had hoped, but I’ll give it a chance to work.

{hugs and kisses},

bfd

First take: Seriously?

Second take: No, you can’t be fucking serious.

Third take: Seriously?

4th-Nth takes: See third take above.

Yes, it’s like that.

Look, I recognize that he “fills a need.”  But as somebody who could’ve been drafted 20 picks later, who cares.  Ya see, Brown is what we call “a reach.”  A “reach-around” is almost good.  Hell, depending on the pitcher and the money involved, I’d be down with that.  A “reach” is ***not*** good.  Not in the least.

The draft is about maximizing talent and maximizing what your team needs.  Yes, we need a LT - and the problem, after reading his fucking scouting report, is that we still do - but we could’ve traded this pick, gotten more schwag (a la our 18th), and still been happy.

Duane Brown as a Texan?  Not a bad idea.  Duane Brown as the 26th pick of the 2008 NFL draft?  Fuck.

Get the point?

Truly, I am not trying to be angry with the pick.  If the Cards hadn’t dicked us by taking our beloved DRC, then all would’ve been good (props to whomever reminded us of this misjustice).  But that didn’t happen.

Reaching is simply a different way to say that we did not maximize our pick @ 26.  The last time Alex Gibbs “drafted” an OL was when he took George Foster out of Georgia…the same dude who got traded to Detroit for buffet costs.  I don’t understand why we didn’t give Gibbs a chance to work with what we already had, especially if we were trying to sell Barbaro has healthy.

Let me end this rambling, drunken post with one, single word:

Reach.

As always, give yourself a cookie if you know the source of that title quote.

So, Steph made some thoughtful arguments in re: the Schaub/Rosy/Van Pelt discussion. While gazing at the awesomeness that is my navel, I decided to put together a little rant as to my over-riding roster philosophy (this won’t be all encompassing, but it will hit on a couple of self-important points).

1. Salary caps are a zero-sum game. I don’t mean this on only the macroeconomic player scale, either. I’m focused more on the microeconomic, or team-specific, meaning. When a team goes out and signs somebody like Ahman Green, that is money that cannot be used to sign somebody else. Not only that, but there are opportunity costs for not signing that other player AND costs by tying up the roster spot with a long-term contract. Even though Green is only guaranteed two years versus the four he signed for, he’s still costing us money and a roster spot. Which leads to #2…

2. Signing a 30-year old running back, and expecting him to be your starter, is never a good idea. Ever. Call me ageist, but the simple fact is that, and this is especially true at the skill positions, but players 30 and older have very little chance at contributing consistently. Whether this is general fatigue from years of football, the increased rate of injury, whatever, it’s an indisputable fact (offensive lineman and defensive tackles are the most common exceptions).

Physically, these players have also reached their peaks. Younger players have a better chance to improve in the physical aspects of the game than do older players.

3. “But we didn’t have a starter!” To me, that’s not a valid argument. The term is replacement level. At some positions, replacement level is easier to meet than others. At RB, for example, the replacement level is relatively easy to meet, especially when a team is more dependent on a system than a player. This is also not an excuse to sign mediocrity to huge contracts. See Reeves, Jacque.

4. Either shoot for the stars, or accumulate talent. This goes back to the backup QB discussion. Yes, I agree that the replacement level of Schaub with Rosy is fairly close, but I still don’t believe Rosy to be a playoff capable QB. He’s a 30-year old career backup who has made a career of proving he’s a backup. For me, the bottom line is that there would’ve been little difference between our being 8-8 and 4-12. Either way, we don’t make the playoffs. Carrying Rosy is a luxury we can’t afford when we have so many other holes to fill in order to become a consistent playoff team. Once we have accumulated the necessary talent, that’s when we sign the above-average backup QB, not before.

Which leads me to tie everything together with a big pretty bow. Don’t waste roster space on players who aren’t going to be there when you are good, anyway. Don’t waste precious salary cap room on mediocrity just because you have a position to fill. The replacement level gain/loss for signing Reeves does not, and I don’t think ever will, make up for the hit we will take against the cap. Finally, deal from depth to accumulate that talent. Rosy for a 3rd rounder? Oh, yes, please!

I don’t think that we are a playoff caliber team just yet, especially due to weaknesses in our defensive backfield, among other below-average players at a couple of other key positions. I think we should build for 2009 and beyond under this much-improved team management (Smithiak). This means smart roster and salary management and accumulating the necessary talent to make a dynasty. That’s when you sign the mercenaries for that big, final push.

Now, back to my navel…

According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:

At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.

W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:

They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.

Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?

I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.

Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.

Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.

Yes, that’s right, I’ve got nothing better.

Look, I have excuses, but they all suck. Life is just super-busy these days, and Matt thinks that watching him “star” in blow-your-own-trumpet films qualifies as pay. Now, as incredibly flexible as he is, I can’t send that to the mortgage company. Those hardasses!

Tim is doing a fantastic on taking a look at positional needs, and I can’t beat that. As far as off-season material, I can’t think of many things better.

So, I look to you, my fan club. What would you like to see?

I hope to post more Football 101 type material (though, seriously, the zone blocking thing was more like 185 type stuff). I think there should be a deep, probing expose on cheerleading twins that I would be happy to undertake. Is there anything else? Seriously, I am stuck for ideas right now as we lead up to the draft (when I won’t shit TF up).

Post ideas here. And post anything else you might be pondering. Umm, regarding football. Only *I* am allowed to talk about my sex life here. And Matt’s.

Like I mentioned in the last post, I am BBQing today. (You can go back and re-read that post if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait.

…

Ok? Moving on.) Anyway, one of the real joys of this chore is that it takes about 10 hours (minimum) to do correctly, meaning there is ample time to study the Old Testament drink beer.

Which brings me to my question: I cracked my first beer open at 5:45 AM; does this mean I am an overachiever or that I might have a problem?