David Carr’s dirty secret
Jun 19, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Sandy Vag, Zoolander's blond love interest
Carr residence, 10:43 P.M.
Melody Carr: (lying in bed, next to her husband) Davey. Hey, Davey…you feel like fooling around a little? (inches close to him) It’s been a little while. Like…six months, I think. I really miss the feel of making love to you. I want to be in your arms.
David Carr: (pouting) I dunno. I suppose we could.
Melody: What’s wrong, hon? Did I do something wrong? I just…I don’t understand why you never want to make love to me. What has happened to our sex life? Do you not find me attractive anymore?!
David: Sure…I…do…. It’s just, well, I just think that maybe we should do some stuff to, say, spice our sex life up a little bit. It’s not that I am bored, really…but, ya know…I think we need to be a little more, um, adventurous from time to time?
Melody: Like what–something other than missionary? You want to leave the lights on or something?!
David: Well, yeah, kinda. But, I was thinking, you know, um…maybe we could work some costumes into the mix. Nothing weird like Little Bo Peep, just more regular costumes.
Melody: (hesitating) Cos-tumes? Like what?
David: (reaching under the bed for a box) Well, I got some stuff here. Nothing specific–just a couple random ideas I had at some point prior to today. I mean, not that I’ve been planning this or anything. Anyway, first, why don’t you put on this wig?
Melody: That’s a blond wig, David. I already have blond hair.
David: I know, but this one is wavier than your hair. And I like the shape of it.
Melody: The shape? David, that is a mullet. Why do you want me in a wavy blond mullet wig? That doesn’t make any sense at all. (pauses) You know, what? Nevermind, this is something you want and if it’s going to help our sex life, I’m going to keep an open mind about it. (Puts the wig on.)
David: Very nice. I’m getting excited already. Now…I was thinking we could draw some tattoos on you. Something edgy, but still artistic and classy.
Melody: Huh?
David: (takes out Sharpie) Yeah, some real cool stuff on your shoulder and arm. (starts drawing on her) Like, um, I’ll draw a big eagle head here on your right arm. (draws big eagle head on her right arm) And, yeah, in the background, I’ll do an American Flag. (in background, draws American flag)
Melody: Wow. I, um–I had no idea that you liked tattoos. Isn’t that a little manly, though?
David: No! Not at all! It’s very feminine. OK, then I was thinking that you could put on a football jersey. I have one of mine right here.
Melody: That’s not your jersey, Dave. That’s number 80. That’s Jeremy’s jersey.
David: Oh…hmm…I must’ve grabbed the wrong one on the way out. No biggie, you can go ahead and wear it. 80, 8…same same, ya know?
Melody: Ewww! What is that smell?!
David: Um…dunno…maybe I grabbed the jersey from the dirty pile instead of the clean pile. It’s just a little sweet musky odor. No big deal, right? I mean, you said you were going to keep an open mind about this…
Melody: No no…that’s fine. It’s only a little smelly. I can wear it (gags as she pulls it over her head) EWW…it’s still damp. David, this is gross. I’m only doing this because I love you. I hope you realize that.
David: I do, honey. I appreciate it a lot. Now, turn around so I can see the wig and the jersey. (mumbling) Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about it. God, I want you to fuck me.
Melody: What?
David: Uh…you look awesome. There’s just one more thing I want you to put on before we make love. It’s over there, in my top drawer.
Melody: OK. (walks to drawer, opens it) OHMIGOD!!! David, this is a used jockstrap with a dildo duct-taped to it! What the fuck do you want me to do with that!?!? (turns to see David naked, face down on the bed, clutching a giant tube of Anal-Eze) Oh Lord!! (faints)
David: Damn it! I was this fucking close!
