Elway on the Raiders, Carr
Oct 24, 2008 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
ESPN’s AFC West blog has some excerpts from an article that John Elway wrote for Sporting News on JaMarcus Russell and the Raiders.
We all know that the Raiders and the Broncos probably hate each other at an administrative level moreso than any other teams in the league, including the Jets and the Patriots. These guys have been going at it for years. So it’s interesting from that angle. Elway tries to draw a comparison between Russell’s situation and David Carr’s, and I’m not sure it helps Russell any:
“It’s this kind of organizational instability that can ruin a quarterback, like the Texans ruined David Carr and the Browns ruined Tim Couch. A young quarterback, especially a No. 1 guy with the weight of a city’s expectations on his shoulders, can wilt.”
I have to admit, I didn’t follow the Dom Capers years as intimately as I’ve followed the Kubiak years. But I have never had the impression that the only reason David Carr didn’t succeed was because of “organizational stability.” I thought it was because, you know, he sucked. If he “wilted”, it’s because David Carr is the kind of guy that wilts, period. (Something-something about gloves.)
Elway seems to fall under the impression that, if you’re a #1 overall pick as a QB, you must be awesome, because Elway was awesome and he was a #1 pick. Surely those guys must have had some sort of exceptional talent, but being exceptional at one thing - throwing a football hard and fast and far - doesn’t make you into a good NFL quarterback. Maybe things came really easy to John Elway, and he takes that for granted.
It kind of makes me wonder what Elway thinks of Gary Kubiak’s handling of David Carr. After all, Kubiak was Elway’s back-up and then his position coach, and Kubiak saw enough of David Carr in a year to cut him loose and admit that he made a mistake on thinking the guy was a capable player. So either Elway thinks coaching is important (and implicitly thinks Kubiak was a pretty darn good one), or he thinks David Carr was super-awesome and that Kubiak and every subsequent coach since has made a big mistake on the guy.
Can you guys provide some insight on the coaching that David Carr received, specifically at Offensive Co-ordinator and Quarterbacks Coach? Like I said, I wasn’t paying too much attention then, but I never got the impression that Carr went through the coaching hell that Jason Campbell has gone through since high school. Carr just seemed to me like another guy in a long list of Jeff Tedford QBs that sucked (with the apparent exception of Aaron Rodgers). How much of it is Carr and how much of it is what Elway suggests is an Al Davis-esque level of incompetence?
Update: Completely unrelated, but Stephanie scores a must-read interview with FootballOutsiders alumnus Bill Barnwell. Go check it out now. It makes you want to take up a “Fire Millen” type crusade against Richard Smith.
Kickoff - “Oh, another hurricane? Fantastic. Because I need more rain, right?” Edition
Sep 11, 2008 Ike, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Bob McNair is no weatherman. Uncle Bob is still holding off on announcing the hurricane contingency plans for this weekend, saying “[t]he most likely thing is it will go somewhere else rather than come right here[; t]he probability is it will go somewhere else.” Um, sorry Robert, but no. My prediction is that the game will eventually get bumped to Monday night, but that assumes that the ‘cane will hurry on through once it makes landfall Saturday-ish. If not, then I have no idea.
The cause of and solution to all of life’s problems. Kerry Collins has just the ticket for Vince Young to get his head straight–liquor! (Actually, that’s probably not what the article was about, but I didn’t read it. Facts only get in the way of a tacky joke.)
Aww, how cute. The Baltimore Sun suggests that, because Jared Gaither blocked Mario Williams successfully for about a quarter-and-a-half three years ago when both were in college, that he should have little trouble with Mario now. After all, Gaither shut down Frostee Rucker last week! Prepare to die, Joe Flacco.
Finally. “When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?” “Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.”
Chris Palmer, unfiltered
Aug 15, 2008 Anger, Rendhel and Sid, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Just for fun, some quotes about Zoolander from Giants camp. (h/t Rendhel)
QB coach Chris Palmer had a few interesting thoughts on QB David Carr today:
*On his happy feet: “He’s a talented young man, he’s very athletic, he runs very well, he has a strong arm. But he’s just got to settle down in the pocket.”
Translation: He looks like a QB, but he’s dancing around and getting all skittish even in camp, where he should know he can’t get hit. The fuck is wrong with this dude? Christ, why me? I thought I’d escaped this sonofafuck already. Why does God hate me? Why?!?
*On his mind: “Like a lot of young guys, they lose their confidence and how fast can you come back from that? I think he’s starting to have a little success, he’s starting to understand what Tom wants from the quarterback position. If we can keep him in rhythm, keep him balances and not in a hurry to flush from the pocket, he’ll be fine.”
Translation: He’s one of those weak-willed douchebags we used to kick the shit out of in high school. At least he didn’t curl up and die like a botched D-and-C today; that’s success, right? Maybe we can get him to do a regular five-step drop tomorrow and, if I am really lucky, he’ll actually stand in and deliver a throw instead of running away, screaming. Yep…that’d be awesome. At least that’s what I will tell myself as I lie awake in bed tonight. Why did we cut Jared Lorenzen again? [weeps]
*On his low arm angle, which has been an issue since he was drafted: “It’s a little bit lower than it was (when Palmer was the Texans’ offensive coordinator). We talk about that all the time. He’s got a very quick release, he’s got a strong arm. He’s getting in a stage in his life when he’s going to start hurting his elbow or start hurting his shoulder if he doesn’t become more mechanically sound. But he’s got pretty good whip as far as throwing the ball. He’s got such a strong arm, he has so much torque in his body that he gets it out there, but at some point that torque is going to tighten up on him and he’s going to have trouble with his shoulder and his elbow.”
Translation: Wait…what the fuck?!? This guy couldn’t quarterback a pop warner team and you are asking me about his goddamned arm angle?!? Jesus Christ, that’s like standing at Auschwitz and asking about Hitler’s mustache. There are much bigger problems than his fucking motion. [contemplates suicide]
*On why he started dropping his arm: “Because you get away from your mechanics. If you’re a golfer, why do you hit a ball on the driving range and then go out on the course and it doesn’t do the same thing? You just have to continue to work on it, you have to put things in front of him and make him throw over. You can do those things to get him back in stride.”
Translation: I am this close to killing everyone in this room. I shit you not. I will murder each and every one of you. “Dropping arm.” The fucking nerve you have. I AM AN NFL COACH; I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!
My crush note to Paul Schwartz
Jul 31, 2008 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Dear Paul,
It was with much interest that I read your moronic fluffing deeply insightful article on Houston’s most wanted favorite son, David Carr, aka Mr. Mittens. As a tribute to your l33t reporting skills, I will give your article the proper respect it deserves: a full-on Fisking.
Let’s begin, shall we?
ALBANY - David Carr plans on using the Giants. The Giants plan on using David Carr.
Holy crap. You actually write for a living? Write in English? And for a major newspaper? I’d say this is cliched, but you’d probably just take it one day at a time.
“I told Coach [Tom] Coughlin I want to help the team any way I can, and I’m looking for them to help me as well,” a relaxed Carr said yesterday in between practice sessions at Giants training camp. “If we can both do that, it’s going to be positive for everybody.”
Hmmmmm, yes, I can see how this is an important quote to have in your “paper.” A player says a cliche, and you are more than happy to gobble it up. Well done!!! That’s the precise definition of journamalism!
Consider this the ultimate user relationship.
What in the fuck does that mean? I have no idea. Please clarify.
This can be viewed as the last roundup for Carr, 29, who in 2002 was the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft, a great honor that devolved into a great headache when he languished within the moribund offense that was the Houston Texans.
Wow, where to begin. Last roundup, you say? Nice Texas reference, if it was at all amusing. A “moribund offense,” you say? Did it ever occur to you that the weak-working pretty boy was a primary reason for that “moribund offense?” Do you think that the guy who didn’t attend team meetings and showed no passion for the sport might be a cause of the “moribund offense?” My Durga, you are a fucking moron.
Five years later, he was mercifully released, the best option for his body and mind…
…to say nothing of Texans’ fans bodies and minds…
…and last season struggled through an unsatisfying and unsuccessful one-and-done stay with the Panthers.
Lemme guess. That was the fault of the Texans, as well? It had nothing to do with the fact the guy played dead on the field more than a passive opossum?
Can a career in tatters be repaired by the Super Bowl champions?
W.T.F? Do you mean to infer that Super Bowl champions have some super-healing powers like de Leon’s Fountain of Youth?
“Being around a good group, guys who had the camaraderie these guys had, I watched them all through the playoffs, that was neat to see, man,” Carr said. “You don’t see that at this level, you see it in college and high school, there are no selfish guys. Seemed like the place I wanted to be.”
Because it is a proven fact that the Texans have 14 guys on death row, so this obviously makes sense.
This is a one-year trial for Carr, who after 262 career sacks - including a ghastly 76 as a rookie - is looking to reclaim the form and confidence that once made him a hot commodity. The backup role for the Giants is the cushiest job around, as long as Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning remains healthy.
No, the cushiest job around is being a writer for the New York Post because you have no editor, no knowledge, and no accountability.
Given the impossibility of Manning getting unseated, the security of five returning offensive linemen and the winning attitude permeating the franchise, Carr hopes he can get himself right in a pressure-free and hospitable environment and then head elsewhere to reclaim a starting role.
If there was one part of this article that proved you have no idea about football, this was it. Your argument is, basically, that if he can hold a clipboard without dropping it or tripping over his own feet, it’s proof that he’s suddenly of starter quality? And New York is a “pressure-free and hospitable environment?” Personally, I’d like to know how you are still alive because breathing and walking at the same time must be terribly confusing for you.
One caveat: He first has to make the team.
But…but…but…it’s all the Texans’ fault!!!! By himself, Zoolander is a god! You’ve spent the entire article telling me so!
Carr missed the first handful of practices with a sore foot (plantar fasciitis) and watched while last year’s backup, Anthony Wright, hit the ground running.
Texans’ fault. And, once again, this sentence negates everything above. Your ability to self-contradict is awesome.
“He has been good in camp,” Coughlin said.
There you go again. He missed practice, but he looks good in camp. You are the one who inserted this quote, asshole, and you’d better be able to justify it.
Wright, 32, is in his 10th NFL season and a journeyman. If the Giants truly believed in him, they would not have signed Carr to a one-year deal. The No. 3 quarterback spot likely is reserved for rookie Andre’ Woodson.
Wow, you cited some facts and you didn’t fuck it up. Well done.
Despite his pedigree, Carr is no lock.
But you spent the first part of this article telling me how nothing was Carr’s fault. Ever.
This version is skinnier, has shaved off almost all his hair and certainly has been humbled.
Kick ass! We have found the keys to his world domination! If he wasn’t a dirty fucking hippie while he was with the Texans, he would’ve been good!
His offensive coordinator in Houston, Chris Palmer, is the Giants quarterback coach, which is a big plus.
Why? Because Palmer was so successful with him the first time around? Because Palmer has suddenly become the best QB coach in the history of man-kind? Why? Please tell me why this is good.
The question is whether the pummeling Carr has taken has turned him into a shell-shocked, jittery quarterback.
You really don’t know football, do you?
Asked to sum up his mentality with the protection-challenged Texans, Carr said “Survival, man, I was just trying to get back to my kids.”
And there you have it. If you had any reason to doubt David Carr’s class or Paul Schwartz’ reporting ability, it’s captured right there.
Mr. Schwartz, let me finish this post with one, simple message: If you are going to report on football, at least take the time to watch a game or two and learn about it. Otherwise, you’ll just post needless trash like this.
Oh, and FOAD.
Yours in Christ,
bfd
Kickoff
Jun 27, 2008 2002 Draft, Fuck, Horribly obvious jokes, Huh?, Inanity, Kickoff, Sandy Vag, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself. In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)
Wow. Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture. I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.
Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun. Is that a velour hat? And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation. Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.
An Open Letter to David Carr
Mar 14, 2008 Anger, Blasphemy, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Dear Homo,
When you lost your job first to a 44-year-old QB and then to an undrafted rookie, I assumed we were done hearing from you. I mean, any QB with any fucking sense would just go away, but I suppose “any fucking sense” is giving you way too much credit. After all, if you’d had any fucking sense, you wouldn’t have spent half a decade scrambling into opposing rushers and working “Fetal Position Blue on 3″ into the playbook, right?
What I don’t get, though, is why you feel the need to continue saying shit that makes you seem borderline retarded. Because, really, it seems like every time you get a change of scenery, you say some kind of ignorant-ass thing that makes it seem like YOU are not the cause of your own problems. Which we both know is a goddamned lie.
Here…allow me to refresh your memory. When you got signed by Carolina [Author's note: Scoreboard, bitch.], you remarked:
As far as the talent on this team, it’s something I haven’t been around. It’s fun for me, just coming out here and playing with a group, both offensively and defensively, that has (so) much skill. […] If you’re not having fun, it’s going to be like what I had the last couple of years where you almost don’t even want to come to work.
How’d all that “talent” and “skill” work out for you, cockmouth? Oh…wait…that’s right.
Anyway, like I said, I thought we were officially done with you after you lost your job twice and posted a stellar 58.3 rating. At worst, I assumed you’d sign somewhere and quietly collect a paycheck from the sidelines, lest ye really make an ass of yourself. “No way,” I thought, “will he try to claim that his failures were due to BOTH of his teams not being good.”
I guess I underestimated your competitiveness douchebaggedness. How else do you explain this:
I have a lot of calluses, Carr said. I’m like an old carpenter[;] I’ve been through it. If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job. One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.
“Playmakers,” huh? Seriously? Have you taken so many dicks to the throat hits to the skull that you’ve forgotten about Andre Johnson catching 103 balls in 2006 and generally keeping you from looking even worse than you already did? Or about Steve Smith having success with every QB in Carolina last year except for you? Or abou– Hold up! Are you really saying that Plaxico Burress is better than Andre Johnson and Steve Smith? Fuck you, dude.
I know you are probably thinking this is just sour grapes on my part. That’s what asshole losers like you tend to claim when someone points out what an asshole loser you are. But it’s not sour grapes–we are well past that point. No, this is a genuine, unfettered missive of hatred. I went from just being glad you were gone to enjoying watching you fail to sincerely hating you with every fiber of my being, all in less than a year. I only take solace in the fact that pretty much everyone other than you, your wife, and your dad realize how much you fucking suck and, therefore, no one takes your comments to be much more than the insipid drivel they are.
I’ve got $10 that says you don’t see the field next year.
Yours in Christ,
Matt
P.S. I hope you have to watch your mother get sodomized by a pit bull. Twice.
Texans fans: The Giants luv you! {hugs}
Mar 11, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Blasphemy, Broken Record, Casserly blows goats... I have proof, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, I really dig my readers, Non-Texan stuff, Pacman Jones' gunrack, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
This post is about four hours late this morning. Doesn’t my employer know that work time is blog time? DAMMIT! Anyway, work sucks today, so sorry for the delay.
The big news of the morning is, of course, that the New York Giants loves them some Mr. Mittens. The mere fact that the Giants want to keep Mittens in the news is proof that *the God of your choice* loves us and wants us to drink more rubbing alcohol beer! The danger is that Mittens actually beats the monstrous Jared Lorenzen (that’s Shake on the left), and Jared simply pops Carr into his mouth like the worm from a bad bottle of Mezcal. Obviously, our nation would grieve for days after the loss of someone of Mittens’ stature, but I don’t think Mittens has much of a chance of winning the backup job. (original link courtesy from profootballtalk.com)
If that isn’t enough to make you swoon, then how about signing Pacman Jones (again from PFT):
If Titans CB Pacman Jones is reinstated and traded to another team, the new team would be on the hook for base salaries of $1.29 million in 2008, $1.74 million in 2009, and $2.19 million in 2010.
Yeah, I am willing to take a chance with salaries like that, especially in lieu of our signing Petey Faggins, Jr. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that parts of the Texans nation are developing a nice little man-crush on Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (ADF, Matt, me, I’m looking at you). Sadly, I don’t think he’ll be there for #18, and it looks like the Ravens are zeroing in on Leodis McKelvin with their pick.
I’m neither inherently a risk-taker, nor am I risk averse. I am, however, optimistic that things would work for Pacman in Houston, but I’ve got nothing to base that on other than my formidable gut.
Finally, and a little off-topic, but it looks like the Stros’ Kaz Matsui has a little pain in the ass. This is ironic, of course, because watching him play this year will cause pain to all our asses.
Crap. Back to work. “Clean your windshield, sir?”
Don’t forget to pack those gloves, Zoolander
Feb 11, 2008 2007 Season, Awesomeness, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Free Agency, Sandy Vag, Sucks to be John Fox, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I suppose I should take the high road, but that is clearly not my style. So file this under “Things That Continue To Make Me Laugh.”
CHARLOTTE – It’s time to begin trimming the fat from NFL rosters.
The Carolina Panthers, like other teams around the league, are free to begin releasing unwanted players Monday morning as the NFL waiver wire picks up. The cuts will come for various reasons – age, overall ineffectiveness, injury concerns and high salary cap figures.
After finishing 7-9 in 2007 and failing to make the playoffs for a second straight season, the Panthers are likely to see plenty of turnover. As owner Jerry Richardson said last month, the Panthers can’t afford to have a “ho-hum” off-season.
That means the team will be looking to make changes. And to make room for the new, the Panthers in many cases will have to part with the old.
And while the cuts won’t all come Monday – and, in fact, some may takes weeks or months to make as the team makes certain it has a replacement in place – you can bet the Panthers roster will look very different when they report to training camp in July.
That said, here are a number of players who should be a little concerned with their job security over the off-season:
QB David Carr
Reasons to cut him: Carr looked frightened in the pocket and his teammates quickly lost all confidence in him. By the end of the season coach John Fox was even afraid to play Carr, demoting him to third string. With a cap figure of more than $4 million, keeping Carr would be, well… ludicrous.
Reasons to keep him: Can’t think of any.
My take: To me, this is easiest cut in franchise history. I would anticipate the team will waste little time parting with Carr.
Over/under on how long it takes before he starts blaming the players around him and suggesting that, had there been more talent, he would have succeeded?
The Northern Lights? At this time of year, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?
Dec 26, 2007 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Beer, Holiday posts, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Reggie Bush, Rumors, Self-Referential Stuff, Spanish, The Future, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
There is something about the first day of really shitty weather each winter that makes me bust out the old guitar and waste the afternoon. As I was playing today, however, I thought to myself, “I really don’t do this often enough…I should make a New Year’s resolution to play more often!”
Anyway, lameness of my inner conversations aside, I was struck by the fact that no one ever seems to make resolutions that reflect the hedonistic, self-destructive, and questionably-legal things they actually want to do. All we ever hear are “I want to lose weight” and “I want to learn a foreign language” and “I want to catch up on my child support.” Where are the “I will have much more meaningless sex” and “I will drink my body weight in bourbon weekly” that would actually please us if we carried through with them? Think about it–if someone gave you the choice between learning Spanish or having sex with 40 members of the gender of your choosing, which would you pick? Si usted dijo el “Spanish,” usted es un mentiroso. [Author's note: my Spanish sucks.]
To that end, I present the first annual DGDB&D New Year’s Blogolutions. In 2008, I will:
- use the words “fuck” and its derivatives (fucknut, fuckstick, fucktard, etc.) more often.
- make at least one post questioning the heterosexuality of random players and coaches each month.
- continue to mock David Carr and laugh at his failures, even as he becomes less and less relevant to Texans fans.
- continue to make bets of liquor with people I have never met. (Hopefully, I will win one at some point.)
- make a trip to Austin next season to watch a game and get as drunk as possible with people I met on the internet.
- embrace the dorkiness inherent in blogging. And then molest it.
- push fake conversations to the point that someone sends me a cease and desist letter.
- run better between the tackles than Reggie Bush.
- maintain my dominance in Google searches for “Filipino tranny porn” and try to improve my ranking for “houston bukkake parties” and “texans blog.”
- create wildly speculative pre-draft rumors, and proclaim my brilliance for any that might come true.
- convince myself by February that the Texans will make the playoffs in 2008.
Feel free to leave yours in the comments.
“A man without hand is not a man. I’ve got so much hand I’m coming out of my gloves.”
Dec 5, 2007 2007 Season, Fake Conversations with Real People, Fisted by Jessica Alba, I guess this storyline has run its course...or has it?, Non-Texan stuff, Sandy Vag, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Saturday, November 24, 2007. Panthers locker room, top shelf of locker #8.
David Carr’s Left Glove: Psst. PSST! Righty, you awake?
David Carr’s Right Glove: Guh! I am now, asshole. I was dreaming about getting fisted by Jessica Alba, you jerk.
Lefty: My bad, dude.
Righty: S’alright. What’s up?
Lefty: Well, I was thinking. This whole “actually being on the field” thing sucks. There’s a grass stain on my palm that will probably never come out. Captain Buttplug can’t keep himself upright long enough to do anything and we are taking a beating because of it.
Righty: Dude, TELL me about it. If John Candyass goes all fetal position and lands on me again, I’m going to fucking lose it.
Jar of Pomade: (lisping) Would you two shut the hell up? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Lefty: Don’t make me slap the shit out of you, hair snot. I’m not even fucking kidding. I’ll shove you to the goddamned floor and break your jar again. You didn’t like that last time, did ya?
Pomade: (lisping) Asshole.
Righty: Homo.
Lefty: ANYWAY, here’s what I was thinking. If you can make the Rump Ranger look like total shit tomorrow, that might just do it. I mean, Coach Fox is pissed as it is–surely one more bad game would do it. And it’s not like you’ll have to work that hard–he’s totally capable of looking like shit on his own. You just need to kick it up a notch or two.
Righty: Dude, that’s brilliant! If we do this right, we’ll get to hang out on the sideline and hold a clipboard for the rest of the year.
Lefty: Man, I love holding a clipboard. It fe–
Jockstrap: Guys, not to butt in, but I am not totally sure about this. We could get in a lot of trouble.
Righty: Listen here, cockrag–no one asked you. If I want an opinion on the relative merits of shaved testicles as compared to unshorn, I’ll find you. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and contemplate just how ironically useless you are.
Lefty: So, it’s settled?
Righty: Hell yeah. It’s on.
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 2:15PM CST.
Lefty: Dude, what are you doing?! He’s completing passes to Steve! That is so not cool! It’s second and eight from midfield–fucking throw an interception!!
Righty: OK, OK…chill out. I got this. (pulls thumb off the ball too early)
Radio Announcer: “Carr takes the snap, steps up in the pocket. He looks left. He fires deep to Carter down the left side aaaaaaannnnnnd INTERCEPTED!! Carr threw that ball right where Craft could get his hands on it. That ball never had a chance. New Orleans takes over at their own twenty-one.”
Lefty: AWESOME! Nice fucking throw, man!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!!! BOOOOOOOOO!!!! WE WANT MOORE! WE WANT MOORE! GET THIS TURD BURGLAR OUT!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Righty: Dude! Look! Coach Fox is over there, talking to Matt Moore. It looks like he’s telling the kid to warm up! We did it!
Lefty: Fuckin-A, man. Fuckin-A.
Batman my ass
Nov 16, 2007 2007 Season, Batman, Boobies, Fuck the Cowboys, Inanity, Posts that list too many players, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I think there’s a good chance that, years from now, the most embarrassing thing about this blog will not be the forcible sodomy jokes, or the blasphemy, or even the fact that I spent most of my time making up conversations between people I have never met.
Nope, while those will all certainly be cringe-inducing to varying degrees, the most embarrassing thing is going to be this comment on Ahman Green:
I gotta say, along with The Schaub Experiment and the Okoye-Mario tandem, I am pumped about Batman being in a Texans uni. I even wrote a post on it somewhere (post-vacation hangover–way too lazy to look for the post). Barring something catastrophic, I think we can pencil him in for over 1100 yards. When’s the last time you were thinking that going into a season?
If you followed my advice–and, if you did, shame on you–go ahead and erase that “1100 yards.” Feel free to replace it with “14 injuries.”
Seriously, though–what the hell? I thought we’d get somewhere between 12 and 14 games out of him. Instead, if Kubiak’s latest is to be believed, there’s a chance we won’t even see him again this season. Fantastic.
Last week: 9-5
Season: 86-57
Week 11 Picks
Miami @ Philadelphia. I’ve never been to Philly, so everything I know about the city, I picked up from Rocky movies. For instance, meat packing plants have no supervisors, so you are free to go in and beat the shit out of beef. There are bums singing around burning trashcans on every corner. And people will pay rapt attention to computer-simulated boxing matches during SportsCenter. Odd place, Philadelphia. Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta. A-T-L, Georgia, what can we do fo’ ya?/ Bulldoggin’ hoes like them Georgetown Hoyas/ Boy you sounding silly, think my Brougham ain’t sittin’ pretty/ Doin’ doughnuts ’round you suckas like them circles around titties. Pick: Atlanta
Cleveland @ Baltimore. I’m as baffled as you are by this Cleveland team. You know what’s not baffling, though? Baltimore’s complete lack of offense. Pick: Cleveland
San Diego @ Jacksonville. From the city of Jacksonville website: “When it comes to spectator sports in Jacksonville, there’s no question that football is king. And the king’s throne is Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, which opened in August 1995, and is home of the Jacksonville Jaguars of the National Football League.” OH, those Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m glad they specified. Pick: Jacksonville
New Orleans @ JUGGERNAUT. Yeah, yeah, yeah…2006 Draft, blah blah. Whatever. This game is all about one thing–Reggie Bush’s vagina. Pick: HOUSTON
Kansas City @ Indianapolis. I cannot come up with a situation where the Colts would lose this game, even if they weren’t coming off back-to-back losses. So, instead, another story from when I lived in Kansas City. I was working out at my usual gym, which had this shitty, indoor basketball court. It was all of the usual people for the most part, including former Chief and current color-commentator JC Pearson. All of the sudden, we hear this buzz, as if a LOT more people have stopped lifting and started watching the crappy basketball game. Then, I figured out why–KC resident and (then) LA Laker Tyronne Lue had showed up and actually wanted to play. Somehow–and I will never understand why until the day I die–I wound up guarding him on five possessions. The first two times, he drained a three over me. The third, he crossed over, I fell down, and he hit a jumper. The fourth, though, right as he moved left, I stuck out my hand and stole the ball for a fast break layup. Before I could gloat, however, he caught a pass in the corner, blew past the guy closest to him, and basically jumped over me to dunk the ball. For the rest of the time I went to that gym, I was known as “the dude Lue dunked on.” Pick: Indianapolis
New York Giants @ Detroit. This could actually be one of the best games of the week, but I am completely uninspired by it. I think it’s because I hate the Lions. Pick: New York Giants
Carolina @ Green Bay. Everyone else will be pointing out that a Vinnie v. Brett matchup is a whole lot of combined years at QB. Fuck that. The more interesting story is that a Brett v. Mittens matchup pits two guys who could not be less alike against one another. It’s George Clooney v. Perez Hilton. Pick: Green Bay
Oakland @ Minnesota. Thirty years ago, I was happily gestating somewhere in southern MO, Rod Stewart was burning up the airways with “Tonight’s The Night,” and this pairing was your Super Bowl matchup. None of that really matters much, except I just realized that I am getting really close to turning thirty. Fuck. Pick: Oakland
Arizona @ Cincinnati. Hey, Marvin, when you inevitably get fired at the end of the year (if not sooner), would you have any interest in returning to a defensive coordinator position? If so, please send your resume to Gary Kubiak, 1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX 77054. (Oh, Richard Smith, if you could start boxing up your stuff, that would be great.) Pick: Arizona
Pittsburgh @ New York Jets. Horrible confession: I was a little disappointed that the J-E-T-S fireman guy wasn’t among the casualties on 9/11. Does this make me a bad person? (Like I really need to ask.) Pick: Pittsburgh
Chicago @ Seattle. [Author's note: Horrible, obvious joke coming.] They’re bringing Rexy back. Them other QBs don’t know how to act. Lovie, let him make up for all the things you lack. Let Rexy air it out because we’re sinking fast. [/horrible, obvious joke] Pick: Seattle
St. Louis @ San Francisco. Goddamn, this game sucks. Pick: St. Louis
Washington @ Dallas. Sean Taylor is hurt. This is bad. Strangely, he is still better in coverage than Roy Williams. Also, because I have nothing else, fuck the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas
New England @ Buffalo. Will they get to 19-0? I’m not sure. Will they beat the Bills? You bet your sweet titties. Pick: New England
Tennessee @ Denver. DGDB&D reader (and part-time instigator) Tman is going to be at this game. With any luck, Barrel Man will expose himself to Tman and the other Titans fans just as Ian Gold knocks Vince Young unconscious. Regardless, the odds of me busting out the live blog for this game are pretty good. Pick: Denver
A Fictitious Letter from Melody Carr
Nov 7, 2007 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Fake Conversations with Real People, Open Letters, She is pretty hot, Sucks to be John Fox, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Dear DGDB&D,
I was doing my monthly Google search for stories for my scrapbook about my husband, David Carr, and I came across your blog. I have to say that it is the most vile, disgusting, worthless piece of trash I have ever seen. You call yourself a blogger, but all you really are is a total fucking jerk.
What did David ever do to you? He might not have been the greatest quarterback the city of Houston had ever seen, but he has HEART, dammit. Besides, there is a lot of pressure when you are the number 1 overall pick, and he never hid from the pressure. I mean, ok, he was usually the last to arrive and the first to leave, and we never had any teammates over the house for BBQs, and he relayed many messages through his dad, but other than that, he never avoided the pressure and the spotlight.
Yet, instead of pointing that out, you call him Zoolander and make fun of his gorgeous hair? Oh, that’s brilliant. Newsflash, dickweed: not everyone who looks like a male model is dumb and vain. Some of them are just hard working guys who love their parents and family more and who happen to like the feel of supple cowhide on their hands while they are playing sports. Is that so wrong???
David is a wonderful person and a great husband, and a big reason for that is that he’s sensitive and emotional. When I showed him your worthless blog, he could have gotten angry and tried to find your address and came and kicked your sorry ass (as I suggested), but he didn’t. Instead, he went and locked himself in my powder room and started weeping. Sure, it took me almost an hour to get him to stop crying, and sure he might have threatened to shave his head, and, yes, there was a long discussion as to whether the Panther uniform makes him look fat, but all of that’s ok by me; most guys are afraid to show that kind of sensitivity. YOU certainly haven’t shown any to anyone, except that you are a grade-A asshole.
While all that other stuff is important, the main reason I am writing you is because of these fake conversations between David and Coach Fox? Boy, you have some nerve. There is no way Coach Fox would be touching himself inappropriately in his office. And he would NEVER attack Vinnie just to get David hurt. Coach Fox loves David–he says all the time that he is so happy David because now he doesn’t have to worry about his nieces getting pregnant. What’s next? Are you going to suggest that David hates Matt Moore because Matt went to Oregon State and David is scared of beavers? Well, let me just tell you right now, Mr. Blogger, David is most definitely not scared of beavers. He loves beavers. He pounds my beaver HARDCORE! (No, he doesn’t do it often, and he normally happens to be really drunk, and it’s usually right after he’s watched Brokeback Mountain or a Clay Aiken video, but still.) You just sit in your mom’s basement wishing you could be an NFL QB and get all the beaver David could get. If he wanted it.
In short, eat my ass, you fucking turdgoblin.
Yours in Christ,
Melody
P.S. All that stuff you said about David’s dad? Totally true. Even I can’t stand that cocksucker.
Albert Haynesworth smash puny human. AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
Nov 5, 2007 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Fake Conversations with Real People, I guess this storyline has run its course...or has it?, Injury bug, Sucks to be John Fox, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Sunday, November 4, 3:15PM EST
Vinnie Testaverde: (to Matt Moore, on the bench) Yeah, so no shit, I’m sitting there in his office, in the dark, and he grabs my fucking foot and just starts twisting. It was the weirde–
John Fox: OH MY GOD!!! HELL YES!!!!
Testaverde: What the?
Fox: (running at Testaverde) Did you see that?!?! Did you fucking see that?!?! Holy sweet Jesus in Heaven, he’s down. He’s down and he’s not getting up and I’m happier than a whore with negative AIDS test!!!
Testaverde: Sir, I don’t think you shou–
Fox: I told you, Vincent!!! I fucking told you my plan would work!!! Didn’t I say Albert Haynesworth was going to fuck Captain Gayness up three ways from Sunday?!?! Didn’t I???
Testaverde: Yes, but–
Fox: And now look!!!
(Assistant coach approaches, whispers in Fox’s ear) What? Oh. Yeah. What’s that kid’s name? Whatever…just tell him to get in the game.
(grabs Testaverde and gestures toward the field) Look out there, Vincent! Look at his glossy eyes. Look at the drool. Fucking marvel at the lack of equilibrium. That is beautiful, Vincent. Bee-ooo-teee-ful! I’ve actually got a chubby right now, no foolin’.
Testaverde: Sir, I just don’t want to be a part of this. It seems–
Fox: What!? What does it seem, Vincent?! Because, from where I am standing, it seems like God himself reached down and thumped that mittened fuckwit in the skull with his Almighty golden forefinger. It’s a goddamned miracle!!! Look at him, Vincent. He can’t even stand. To hell with my wife and kids; this is the single greatest day of my life!
(Fox runs over to where David Carr is being tended to on the sideline)
Carr: I can’t with the throw glove mitten man kisses. Sack time hurt oww! Aiiieeeieee! Big big Albert big crushy smash. Purple.
Fox: Oh, this is fantastic! He’s nuttier than squirrel turds! I want do some goddamned cartwheels!!!
(flipping Carr off) How many fingers am I holding up? HA! You don’t know, do you?! I’m holding up ONE, because FUCK YOU, NANCY!!!
Remember I said I’d kill you last? I lied.
Nov 2, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Injury bug, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Vinnie Testaverde: Coach? There was a note in my locker that said you wanted to see me. Coach? Are you in here?
John Fox: Come in and sit down, Vincent.
Testaverde: Why are all the lights off, sir? And why are your curtains drawn?
Fox: Please. Sit. It will all be explained to you in time.
Testaverde: Okaaayyyy.
Fox: You see, Vincent, the time for action is now. No longer must we labor under the restrictive glove of mediocrity. No longer must I lie awake at night, wondering what I’ve done wrong. No longer, Vincent.
Testaverde: I honestly have no fucking idea what you are talking about.
Fox: ROLL TAPE! *video of Titans-Texans game begins playing on wall* You see this, Vincent? You see how Albert Haynesworth absolutely destroys Matt Schaub right here. Do you notice the utter lack of compassion Albert displays as he crushes Matt like an empty beer can? Can you see, Vincent? Can you see the wonderfulness? Can you see the sweet tears of pain on Schaub’s cheeks?
Testaverde: Ok, for real, what the fuck are you talking about? I am too old for this shit. And where are you? I can’t see a goddamned thing in here.
Fox: I’m right here beside you, Vincent.
Testaverde: FUCK! Jesus Christ, don’t DO that! You scared the shit out of…hey, what are you doing with my foot?
Fox: Just relax, Vincent.
Testaverde: That’s the ankle I twea– FUUUUCK! OWWW! CHRIST!!! WHY ARE YOU BENDING IT LIKE THAT?!?! OWWWWW!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
Fox: (maniacally) Don’t you see, Vincent?! This is what must happen!! You cannot play this weekend. David must start! Oh yes, he must start so that he can be stopped!!! His fractured back and penchant for holding the ball??? That’s music to Haynesworth’s ears. It’ll be glorious, Vincent. Absolutely glorious!!! Imagine–David lying in a barely-mobile heap, gloves torn and bloodied, with his spine in the shape of a question mark!!
Testaverde: Oh god. You’ve lost your fucking mind! *Fox bends ankle 90 degrees the wrong way* SHIT! OWWWW!
Fox: Have I, Vincent? Have I, really? Or am I the only one who sees the big picture here? Not a word of this to anyone, Vincent. Do you understand me? Not a word. This must happen and it must happen this weekend. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!
Awesome
Oct 25, 2007 Inanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Thank reader Jersey Bill for this one.
Yeah, it’s what you’d think.
Bye Week QB Issues
Oct 24, 2007 2007 Season, Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Injury bug, Sucks to be John Fox, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
John Fox: Ahh…the long weekend of the bye week. The team is taking three days off, there are no secretaries around…nothing like having a little Me Time. Just a coach, his private office, no pants, and two-and-a-half Gigs of Cytherea porn. Time to rub one out.
*phone rings*
Fox: Fuck!
*answers phone* Who is it?
Voice: Coach, this is Pat Yasinskas from the Charlotte Observer. I was just wondering about the quarterba–
Fox: No comment.
Yasinskas: Well, it’s just that the fans want to know who will be sta–
Fox: I said no comment.
*hangs up phone*
Jesus. Now, where was I? Ah, yes…Squirtwoman 2. Very nice. Oooh. Ahhhh. Yeah. Mmmhmm. Ooooooh.
*phone rings*
Fox: *answers phone* Speak.
Second Voice: Oh, sorry. Is this a bad time?
Fox: Who is this?
SV: I’m from the Associated Press. What’s the quarterback situation there in Carolina?
Fox: One’s gay and one’s old.
*hangs up phone* Come to papa, Cytherea. Heh… “come.” Ah. Grr. Hnnngh. Ffffft. Ah Ah AHHHH–
*phone rings*
Fox: SWEET FUCKING CHRIST ON THE CROSS! WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO FUCKING WHACK OFF AROUND HERE??!
*answers phone*
WHAT?!
Third Voice: Hey, Coach. It’s Dave. I just thought I should tell you that my back is feeling pretty good and I th–
Fox: Feeling good, huh?
Carr: Yeah.
Fox: Nice and limber?
Carr: Yep.
Fox: Then you won’t have any problem when you GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!
*slams phone down* OK, now I can handle my bus–well, if this isn’t fucking fantastic. My dick’s gone softer than Dan Morgan’s brain. Now…Just calm down, John. Get a hold of yourself. That glovewearing Nancy may have fucked up the team, but he won’t fuck this up. Just breathe and watch the pretty little porn slut get freak nasty with that double-ender. Squirtwoman is your favorite; you love her. Remember that.
*watches porn*
*looks angrily at penis*
*watches porn*
*looks angrily at penis*
*turns off monitor*
*weeps*
Thunderdome
Oct 17, 2007 2007 Season, Fake Conversations with Real People, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
David Carr: You wanted to see me, Coach?
John Fox: Yeah. Have a seat, Nancy.
Carr: I really wish you wouldn–
Fox: So, Sissyphus, I was hoping you could help me with a little puzzle. How is it that a 43-year-old man can sign with this team on Wednesday and, by Sunday, look as comfortable running the offense as you would be playing Monster Rain?
Carr: With all due respect, sir, I thin–
Fox: Because I think the answer is “he’s smart enough to throw the ball to Steve.” Which is another way of saying “He’s not retarded.” Which is my way of suggesting that maybe you are retarded.
Carr: Now, wait. I jus–
Fox: But being retarded isn’t enough, is it? No, you had to go and get a fucking minor injury that should be healed by the time we play again, so I now have a quarterback controversy between Father Time and Retard McFaggygloves. Great. Do you know how fucking annoying this is?
Carr: I can–
Fox: It’s more annoying than late night phone calls to your wife that you are sure are being made by Chris Weinke. It’s that fucking irritating. I would honestly rather have someone pluck out my left eyeball and fuck my brain than have to deal with ridiculous shit.
Carr: I’m sor–
Fox: Unless you are offering to walk into oncoming traffic, fucking save it, douchenozzle. I have to figure out how to deal with this shit. The goddamned press is going to have a field day with this.
*phone rings*
Fox: This is Coach Fox.
Voice: Yeah, I was just callin’ to see if y’all needed a quarterback?
Fox: Goddamnit, Kubiak, this shit isn’t funny anymore!
*slams phone down*
Fox: See what you’ve done, you fancy-haired shithead?
Carr: If you’ll jus–
Fox: Shut up. Shut the goddamned fuck up before I punch you in the neck. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. You and Vinnie are going to fight it out to see who starts.
Carr: You mean based on how well we practice?
Fox: No, uber-puss, I mean “fight it out.” What part of that confuses you? Two men enter, one man leaves, motherfucker. Punch, stab, whatever. No rules. Et cetera. Get it?
Carr: I am pretty sure that is against the collective bargaining agreement, sir.
Fox: And I am pretty sure I don’t give a goddamn. I don’t want to deal with the shit that you caused, so you two are going to figure it out amongst yourselves. You might want to stand up.
*throws closet door open*
Vinnie Testaverde: It’s go time, gayness! Knuckle up! I’m Vinnie fucking Testaverde!!!
What if Testaverde breaks a hip?
Oct 12, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Injury bug, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Monday, October 8, 2007. 3:40PM
Jake Delhomme: Coach Fox, you got a minute?
John Fox: Yeah, Jake. What’s up? How’s the elbow?
Delhomme: Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I’ma have to have that surgery. My elbow sure did hurt when I was throwing today. The doctors say it’ll take eight or nine months to rehab.
Fox: Fuck you.
Delhomme: What’s that, sir?
Fox: You heard me, you crawfish-eating fuckstick. God DAMN it! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
Delhomme: Sorry, sir, it’s just–
Fox: Save “sorry” for someone who gives a ratfuck. Jesus Christ, son, do you realize what this means? No, you have no fucking idea, do you? You’re too concerned with your precious fucking elbow to give one shit about what I have to deal with. Selfish prick.
Delhomme: Sir, I don’t see why you are so upset. I mean, we still have David.
Fox: You mean Mangina?!? You expect me to try and run a team with David fucking Carr under center? Have you seen him play? Why don’t you do me a favor and shoot me in the fucking face right now?
Delhomme: Sir, it’s not that bad. I think you are overreacting.
Fox: OVERREACTING?!? He wears fucking gloves for chrissakes. White gloves, like he’s getting dressed up for a goddamned tea party! And then he throws with that little side-arm flip shit. THAT’S who you want to be our QB? Do you fucking hate me or something? We only signed the prick so I wouldn’t have to worry about my wife fucking the backup QB. He was never supposed to play. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007. 12:15PM.
David Carr: Coach? Hey, Coach Fox! Wait up! You got a minute?
Fox: Make it fast, Nancy. I’m supposed to go watch Vinnie fucking Testaverde work out. We have to find some kind of backup for you.
Carr: Well, sir, remember that hit I took Sunday? The one where I said it felt like my back popped?
Fox: To tell you the truth, I was drunk all day Sunday. But, yeah, I kind of remember. Why?
Carr: My back is really bothering me today. I tried to throw a little bit and it was hurting to do it.
Fox: Fuck me in the ear.
Carr: Sir?
Fox: “He’s tough,” they said. “We can sign Dave because he’s a tough guy. He never complains and he plays hurt.” That’s what they told me. I thought it was a bad idea; I even told them so. I said, “he throws like a retard and I think he’s queer; are we sure we want him?” But, nooooo, no one listened to me. I mean, I’m only the HEAD FUCKING COACH…why would they listen to me?
Carr: I wasn’t trying to get hurt. I just landed awkwardly and then some people fell on me.
Fox: Cry me a river, you sissified cockeater! You think I need your goddamned excuses? I’m about to go watch a 43-year-old man audition to be our QB. He was born when Kennedy was still in office! Kennedy! Apparently, no new quarterbacks have been born since 1963! And now, with your piece of outstanding fucking news, I get to try and teach this old fuck the playbook in four days. Hey, do me a favor, would ya?
Carr: Sure thing, Coach.
Fox: Go back in time to about ten minutes ago and instead of telling me you are hurt, just sneak up behind me and bury a pick axe in the back of goddamned skull. Maybe light me on fire first. Yeah. Just for good measure. You fucking jerk.
It hurts doesn’t it? Your hopes dashed, your dreams down the toilet. And your fate is sitting right besides you.
Oct 11, 2007 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Injury bug, Nnamdi Asomugha, Posts that list too many players, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I have a question for male readers who have shared their bed with a pregnant woman. Do they all snore like a comatose warthog? Or am I just lucky?
Last week: 10-4 (!)
Season: 47-28
Week 6 Picks
Byes: Indianapolis, Buffalo, San Francisco, Pittsburgh, Denver, Detroit
St. Louis @ Baltimore. Scott Linehan told reporters this week that he was not embarrassed by his team’s play thus far, but that he was a little humbled. He then pulled down his pants, showed his balls to the camera, and said “everyone who drafted Steven Jackson can eat these!” Pick: Baltimore
JUGGERNAUT @ Jacksonville. OK, I’m going to come out and ask it: why is no one questioning the wisdom of Andre Johnson going over the middle in the fourth quarter of the 31-14 game? With the way we’d dominated the game and only 12 minutes remaining, shouldn’t Andre have been resting at that point? You know, in case Schaub accidentally threw a bad pass that wound up getting Andre hurt, causing our best WR to miss three or four games? I’m just sayin’. Pick: Houston
Miami @ Cleveland. I am going to join the chorus of people saying that the Browns are a lot better than we thought they’d be. Not playoff caliber, but certainly better than teams like Miami. I look for them to put a metaphorical knee in the head of Cleo Lemon and the Dolphins. Pick: Cleveland
Minnesota @ Chicago. If you took Chicago, removed all the cool shit, and then turned the temperature down 15 degrees, you’d have Minneapolis. I’ve been to the Twin Cities twice, which is two more times than I recommend anyone go there. Unless, of course, you like frostbite, hotdish, and Garrison Keillor. All that said, though, Brian Griese and Cedric Benson against a strong front seven is not a recipe for success. Pick: Minnesota
Washington @ Green Bay. Right now, a person could make a pretty good argument that the Redskins are the second-best team in the NFC. A win over Green Bay would pretty much prove it. Of course, neither of these teams can beat the Colts or Pats, so who fucking cares? Pick: Washington
Cincinnati @ Kansas City. After the way the Jags manhandled the Chiefs last week, holding them to 10 yards rushing on the day, can we all agree that the AFC South is far-and-away the best division in football? As for this game, flip a coin because either one of them is capable of playing poorly enough to lose on Sunday. Pick: Cincinnati
Tennessee @ Tampa Bay. Vince Young continues to pull of the “he just wins” part of his myth with alarming regularity. Considering his domination of both Michigan and the Texans, I should hate the guy…but I can’t. Don’t get me wrong–I’ll never root for him. Still, he’s impressive. The fucker. Pick: Tennessee
Philadelphia @ New York Jets. I realized just a second ago that I picked the Eagles to win the NFC East this year. Looking back at the predictions, though, my NFC is jacked up in a number of places. That’s what happens when you try to handicap a conference that is composed entirely of teams that would struggle to finish above .500 in the AFC. (I’m only slightly exaggerating here.) So, my new rule for this year is, when faced with a shitty NFC team and a shitty AFC team, take the AFC. Pick: New York Jets
Carolina @ Arizona. I looked forward to a Jake Delhomme injury because I was thrilled at the prospect of watching Johnny Whitegloves “lead” the Panthers. Of course, he promptly bruised his labia, the Panthers signed Vinnie Testaverde, and David might not have a starting job if Vinnie shows that he is better than Carr. Which, you know, basically requires him to throw to Steve Smith. Pick: Arizona
New England @ Dallas. Five fucking interceptions, one fumble, and the assholes still manage to win? Jesus, I hate the Cowboys. I have no love for New England, but I can’t stand the thought of Dallas being 6-0. And what the fuck was with interviewing Tony Romo after the game instead of, you know, Nick Folk? Guh. Pick: New England
Oakland @ San Diego. So, wait. Just because San Diego dominated a Denver team that also lost to Oakland earlier in the year, we are supposed to believe that the Norv Turner Experience is finally on track? I’m not buying. Oakland is a lot better than we thought. (Yes, I just threw that line in so I could quote it in the offseason as I sing the praises of Asomugha.) Pick: Oakland
New Orleans @ Seattle. If New Orleans could go back and redo the 2006 Draft knowing what they know now, do you think they hesitate on the Bush pick? Maybe for just a little bit? Pick: Seattle
New York Giants @ Atlanta. Let’s see, the last time the Giants went against a team with a young left tackle, they racked up 12 sacks. The Falcons currently feature a left and right tackle who were signed as undrafted free agents. I don’t see this ended well for Joey Harrington. And I am glad. I hope they kill the sonofabitch. Pick: New York Giants
As I type feverishly in an effort to convince myself…
Sep 18, 2007 2006 Season, 2007 Season, Colts Shmolts, Gary Kubiak, Jacoby Jones is slighty less unheralded, Ron Dayne likes pie, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I left a shorter version of that last post as a comment for Stephanie over at FanHouse. In response, she brought up a good point: when we beat the Colts last Christmas Eve (i.e. the last time they lost to anyone), we did with David Carr and Ron Dayne.
Not only that, we did it with the final iteration of Zoolander the Texan. You know, the one whose progression was “safety valve, run out of bounds, fetal position.” The one whose month of December included things like 3-step drops1, 4 INT game, and a overall rating for the month of 59.9. In that game against the Colts, however, Johnny Whitegloves went 16-26–7 of those to the RBs–for 127 yards (a whopping 4.5 average) and 1 TD. Clearly, this would not be good enough to beat the Colts. Yet, win we did because Ron Dayne chipped in with 153 rushing yards and two TDs, which, along with Kris Brown’s two FGs, allowed us to eke it out.
Now, nine months later, our team appears to be markedly better in nearly every aspect than the one that took the field last December. Most importantly, in place of Carr and Dayne, we’re rolling out there with Schaub and Batman. And, if we can manage to get the Colts to punt–they didn’t punt once in last year’s game–we have Jacoby freakin’ Jones ready to bust off a little somethin’ somethin’.
My point?
Andre Johnson had 4 catches for 48 yards in that game, meaning he wasn’t exactly the reason we won. Hell, he had a holding penalty that negated a TD and forced us to settle for a FG late in the game. We won because Gary Kubiak’s gameplan called for minimizing our weaknesses (i.e. Carr) and exploiting the Colts’ weaknesses (i.e. run defense). There is no reason to think we can’t use the same philosophy this time around. If we do, we can be in this thing until the end.
If, in addition, we cause a couple turnovers and avoid any of our own, we can actually win this game. And I can say with little or no hyperbole that a win Sunday would be the biggest win in the history of the franchise, bar none.
1 Despite this shortened drop and the instruction from the staff to stop trying to read defenses, Sandy was still sacked 12 times in December… behind the EXACT same line that has only allowed 2 sacks of Matt Schaub. Can we please, PLEASE stop pretending that David’s own timidity and lack of poise didn’t lead to most of his sacks?
